What makes a dad?
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- June
- 15
What exactly is it that makes me a dad?
I got to thinking about this after hearing a discussion on the radio this morning on fatherhood. To be precise, the topic was fathers who came to learn they were not their child’s biological father. There were even a few folks who called in with real-life examples.
Well, I got to thinking about how I would feel in that situation. I think anyone would have a difficult time hearing something like that, particularly if you’ve been raising a child for several years. And it got me to thinking about my own role as a parent.
To me, it is ultimately about the relationship you have with the child, not your DNA. What bonds me to my son is the time we’ve spent together, the things we’ve shared and cried about, the games we’ve made up to play together. So we’ve built something based on shared experiences and genuine emotion. Wouldn’t you agree that’s what matters most?
Last year, a friend told me about her experience as an adopted child. She had reconnected with her biological mother in recent years and they had started to build a friendship. But there was no question whom she considered her true mother: The woman who raised her. She understood that there had been a void in her life before she met her biological mother. But she considered the woman who had raised her as her real mom.
Now, I’m not adopted, and my son is my biological child. And I would love to hear input from those two points of view. But for me, what makes me a dad are my deeds and words, not my genes.
What do you think?
This entry was posted
on Friday, June 15th, 2007 at 2:23 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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I think your son is a very lucky kid.
Though devasting to find out, you are still the dad that child knew and loved.
Well Jorge, I’m adopted, a mother of my own biological children, found my biological mother when I was 35, and two years ago lost my “parents” who raised me.
I know that I am my father’s daughter – it’s about history, family, sharing life and values that make us who we are. And, as much as I knew I felt that, after he died I understood it more.
I do feel terrible though for anyone who finds out they’re adopted or not a child’s parent later on. The dishonesty has so many ramifications in everyone’s lives.
Whether a biological father or a natural one – (or mother) I think it’s vital to be strong in who you are and never doubt your parent status. I’ve seen too many adoptive parents doubt their roles in their children’s lives and take a sort of second parent status. Perhaps divorced parents do this too to compensate for what they perceive the child has lost and they can’t give.
this poem says it best
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn’t grow under my heart,
But in it.
—Fleur Conkling Heyliger
Very nice poem, Gina. Thanks for sharing.
I agree with your point about being certain of your parenting status, and I think that’s the case regardless of your particular situation. Single parents who become involved with another parent are in a similar situation, as you’ve suggested. For instance, I am in a parenting role with my girlfriend’s son, yet he has a father. Same with my ex’s husband-to-be and my son.
So I think in both types of situations it’s important to set parameters for the relationship with the child early on and be consistent in your role. I’d go so far as to say that the single parent situation is a tad more complex, particularly when the child’s biological father is still actively parenting, as is the situation in my case.