One of the key questions for a single parent who wants to date is “when.”

Most single parents I know are dating for the first time in years, and now have to juggle time with the kids and all the issues that brings. I’ve found many of them are more comfortable with online dating, simply because the traditional dating places and rituals just aren’t appealing. They’ve just matured since they first met their ex — the last time most have dated.

The answer to the “when” to date question varies, simply because there are nuances to every single-parent situation, and you know our emotional readiness best. Parents also differ on the other “when” question of when to introduce your children to a dating partner. Obviously, it depends largely on the seriousness — and future potential — of the relationship. But it varies. I have one friend who dated someone of two years and never introduced him to her son. (There are issues there for another discussion).

Personally, I think you have to start by asking yourself some questions, about why you want to date again, how willing or able you are to discuss it with your children, and how prepared you think they are for a new relationship in your life. In general, I think you need to ask yourself what you hope for in a relationship first.

Anyway, it’s important to talk this through, particularly with other single parents. I found a pretty good piece on the subject from The Hartford Courant that was carried on the newswire. See what you think:

By Kathleen Megan

The Hartford Courant

The cell-phone calls would start a couple hours after she left. “Mom, it’s 10 o’clock, when are you coming home?�
And later, “Mom, where are you now, Mom?�
When Anita Garvey started dating a couple years after her divorce, her teen daughters said they were happy for her, but even so, it wasn’t easy on the kids — or Garvey.
“It was almost like I was a teenager. It was like a role reversal,� said Garvey, who was divorced four years ago. It was perhaps made harder, she said, because she had been an at-home mom for most of her children’s lives, leaving the house to work only six years ago.
“They were used to having me 24/7,� said Garvey, of South Windsor, Conn . “Working was a little hard for them to digest, and then divorce was hard for them, and then when I started dating, I could sense they felt me pulling away.�
Finally, one of her daughters said, “Mom, you know, I’m not liking this too much.�
For parents who are navigating the dating scene in search of a new partner, the process of parenting while on the prowl is delicate at best.
The challenges for a single parent range from the practical — finding the time, a sitter and a date — to the complex: gauging whether you are ready for a relationship, what your child’s emotional reaction is, whether the date has long-term potential. All of this may make it seem easier to simply wait until the kids are out of the house.
But even then there can be problems — twentysomethings have been known to dislike mom’s boyfriend as much as 12-year-olds — so it’s probably worth proceeding when you feel you’re ready, experts say. With 25 percent of families with children in homes run by single parents, according to 2006 U.S. Census Bureau figures, you’ll have plenty of company.
Here is some advice from experts and parents who have been there.
First, make sure you are ready to date, said Donna Ferber, a licensed professional counselor in Farmington, Conn., with a specialty in life transitions and author of “From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce.� When a marriage has ended in divorce, Ferber said, “It’s good to take the time to learn what went wrong before anesthetizing with a new relationship.�
Priscilla Dunstan, an Australia-based specialist on communication with children — known internationally as the “baby listenerâ€? — and a single mother herself, suggests setting up social and recreational times with friends from the beginning. This gives you social support, while also getting your children used to the idea that you need time for a social life, too. This way, Dunstan said, “when you start dating … your children won’t feel that your date is taking up their time with you, it’s just a regular night out.â€?
If there’s one mistake that gets made too often, according to Ferber, it’s introducing children to a partner before the child is ready or before the parent knows whether the person has much potential for a stable relationship.
“The child may not be through grieving,� Ferber said . “The parent may feel like this is something new and exciting, but their child may not be on the same page.�
“Secondly, if you do connect and then break up, the child experiences a loss all over again,� Ferber said .
Dale Macken, who was divorced 14 years ago when his children were 4 and 1, said that over the years he’d never introduce a new girlfriend to his daughters until he was fairly certain the relationship would be long-term.
And when he did introduce a date to his daughter, he’d call the woman simply a “friend.�
“But Dad, they are ‘girls,’ and they are ‘friends,’ so they are your ‘girlfriends,�’ he recalls his daughter once saying to him. “No, honey,� he’d tell her, “they are friends who are girls.�
Macken, who lives in Bristol, Conn., joined a singles group at his church. He liked it because he could get to know a woman first in a group setting before thinking about a romantic involvement. Macken and Garvey are now dating.
It’s “a slippery slope� deciding when to introduce kids to a potential mate, Ferber said.
A Bristol mother, who did not want her name published, said she probably introduced her two young sons too early to one boyfriend. “In the beginning you are naive about dating, at least I was,� she said. “This boyfriend, he made promises and then basically walked out. My children were kind of soured on me dating after that.�
That was two years ago, and the Bristol mom has been more careful since then about whom she introduces to her sons. She said she senses that her sons, ages 17 and 14 now, “are comfortable with the way things are. … They don’t want to meet anyone unless it’s serious, and they probably would prefer no one at all.â€?
Dunstan said in an e-mail, “Your family home is a sanctuary, not only for you, but especially for your children. It is therefore extremely important that you are guarded with whom you let into that sanctuary.�
If you’re not sure where the relationship is headed, Dunstan suggests seeing the person when the children are not home or going somewhere else.
Jeff Palitz, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Diego, said he knew of some parents who wouldn’t introduce the kids to a love interest until the relationship had lasted six months or longer. “I’m not sure that extreme is really necessary,� Palitz said .
Therapists advise against inviting a date to sleep over when the kids are home. “This is their house, and they shouldn’t be intruded upon,� Garvey said . “I try to put myself in their shoes.�
But what if, after all the conversations, your child doesn’t want you to date or doesn’t particularly like the person you are dating?
Usually this is less about the person and more about the child’s grief about the divorce or a parent’s death.
Palitz encourages parents to keep talking to children. It’s natural for a child to act out or start to regress if they are going through a difficult time, he said. Keep open the possibility of getting therapy for the child.
There are some parents who say “if my kid doesn’t like you, you’re out,� Palitz said . In general, most experts say that approach gives the child too much power.
Palitz said some parents talk about waiting until the child is “healed� from a divorce or a death before they begin to date.
“They could be waiting forever,� he said. “So they may need to make a decision that they are going to start dating — and that may actually help the child move forward.�
If a child continues to hate the boyfriend or girlfriend, Palitz said, “parents have to be very careful to be respectful of children’s feelings, to hear them and acknowledge them, but the child is also expected to treat the significant other with respect. They don’t have to like them, but they need to be respectful.�
However, if a child persists in disliking your love interest, Palitz said, it’s worth looking closely at the relationship to make sure the child isn’t picking up on something you’ve overlooked.
Distributed by the Los Angeles Times-Washington Post News Service

Add this story to the “Horrific/idiotic things that can occur in school” file: In Grahamsville, slightly upstate from here, a high school student was pulled out of class by a security guard who wanted to make sure no kids had backpacks or bags that students are banned from carrying during the school day. The girl apparently had a small purse with her that day.

The security guard was just doing his job, right? Perhaps. But what’s problematic was the question the guard asked the young lady: Whether or not she was menstruating. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, that’s the only reason why students at Tri-Valley High School are given a pass to have a bag with them during the day. Read it all for yourself here.

I can’t even begin to imagine how upset this girl was. I think if someone – and a man, no less – asked me that when I was 14, I would have fainted. And apparently, “The Question” is asked quite freqently. And it has upset so many students that girls – as well as boys, in support of their female friends – have taken to wearing tampons and sanitary napkins on their clothing in protest of this despicable question.

According to the news story, the school banned bags in the halls to prevent kids from being hurt by heavy bags and to avoid falls, as well as a concern about concealed weapons. Valid concerns, for sure.

But “The Question?” Hardly valid, I’d say. What do you think?

I’m sure we’ve all heard by now that 1 million Chinese-manufactured cribs have been recalled, adding to the already lengthy list of children’s products manufactured in China that have been called back for posing potential hazards to our kids. You all probably have a sense of what that growing list looks like, with Barbie accessories and a host of other products with defects that include high lead content and magnets that can come apart and be swallowed. Obviously, it’s important as parents to keep tabs on that list. (Scroll down to The Journal News toy recall database).

But, as one of our loyal readers pointed out in an earlier reply, there are more recalls than just the Chinese-made products. You may or may not be surprised to know that consumer products are recalled pretty regularly, a good number of them children’s products.

“The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission”:http://www.cpsc.gov/index.html does a remarkable job of updating its list of recalled products. While the controversy over Chinese-made goods has dominated the list of late — and rightfully so — it’s important for parents to stay on top of all the recalls, which also include everything from bunk beds from Denmark that can collapse, to children’s science kits from South Africa that can present a burn hazard.

The commission’s recall announcements often include helpful photographs and diagrams, and are arranged under various categories, “including toys”:http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/toy.html as well as “other children’s products”:http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/child.html. In addition, there are separate listings for “sports and recreation equipment”:http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/category/sports.html.

You can also “search all products”:http://www.cpsc.gov/cpscpub/prerel/prerel.html by date or category.

Of course, it’s important to stay on top of the most recent wave of recalls of Chinese-manufactured toys as well. Unfortunately, that list seems to continue to grow. To conduct your own search for those products, check out the complete database we put together for you here at The Journal News:

This time it’s for parents who may wonder if their children have special needs or developmental problems. It’s from a recent issue of the Child Care Aware online newsletter, which is sponsored by the “National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies”:http://www.naccrra.org.

The truth is parenting takes work, and some kids may need reinforcement in one area or another. “This article”:http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=52 gives parents some things to look for and some things to think about. Personally, I think these are areas we should all be assessing and looking at as parents, not only to evaluate our children’s needs, but to ensure that we are staying on top of their development.

With my own son, we’ve always had an eye out for anything out of the ordinary — perhaps to a fault. At one point my ex even worried that some of my son’s mannerisms were in fact “tics” that can be consistent with disorders like Tourettes Syndrome. So we brought it up with his doctor, and spoke to a specialist. As it turns out, he is simply hampered by bad sinuses (regrettably, it’s one of my genetic contributions to him, it would seem). But we were on it just the same.

The point is we checked it out with the pros. Which brings me back to my earlier point: It’s good to think about this stuff.

I’m excited about this. My youngest son, who just turned 13 Saturday, has  run with me four times in a little more than two weeks. The plan is for him to run two or three times a week so he can get into shape for our parish’s CYO track team. But this routine is  good for me, too.

I’ve been an on-again, off-again runner since the mid-1970s -  mostly off since the birth of my first son in 1990. Running for me has been a 99.9 percent solitary activity, which was OK for a long time. But as I get get older, it’s tougher to run. The fantasies about winning Olympic medals don’t cut it any more and I  always have a dozen chores on my list of family-related chores which  makes it easy to skip running. I don’t know if you’re like this, but I fantasize that one day I will get to the bottom of that list. In seven years it hasn’t happened.

Running together provides both of us with an incentive to lace up our running shoes. I’m not sure how long time arrangement will last, but it’s great. 

What’s especially fun is for me to see my son improve so quickly. He now can run faster than me for a couple of laps, though I still can run for longer distances.

The last time we ran he did 1 1/2 miles to my two. With the cross-country track season beginning, though, it won’t be long before he’ll beat me on distance, too. And I’m looking forward to that.  

On Saturday, we hosted a rock-climbing birthday party for my younger son, who’s now 9. A whole bunch of little boys—and three adventurous girls—had a great time scaling the walls at The Cliffs at Valhalla.

This is one of those places where you bring the party to them: We provided the pizza, cake, paper goods and they outfitted the kids with all the climbing equipment and aptly supervised the party.

When we were setting up for the party, the young man assisting us marveled at how my husband, my friend Adrianne and I worked together seamlessly to set the table, place the veggie and fruit platters for the parents, set up the drink station and hide the goody bags to be given out later. We remembered to bring matches, candles and a knife, which the young man found amazing. But it wasn’t a big deal to us, really. After the party, my husband and I estimated that in our 13 years as parents, we have probably prepared “birthday parties-to-go” more than 20 times, between our two sons. That includes taking cupcakes to school and parties held outside of our home.

We’ve run the gamut of parties, I think: We’ve done pool parties, bowling, pet the pony, spin art, movies, sports parties, ice-skating. They’ve all been fun, really. And the best part? When the party is done, we pack up our stuff (or toss the trash away) and leave! No muss, no fuss.

I’m sure there are many people who are fond of home parties for their kids, but it doesn’t work for me. Our house is too small to have a lot of fun and my patience for that kind of party is too short.

How do you celebrate your kids’ birthdays? Any new ideas out there for parties? Share them here!

Though it ends summer, September is an optimistic time for parents.

September is to the school year, what spring training is to baseball. It’s that brief time when all is fresh and promising. There’s plenty of time for reality later; It’s called the second semester.  

Last night, I went to curriculum night at the school attended by my two sons -  eighth and 12th graders. Curriculum night is when parents get a look at their kids’ courses and any major changes at the school.

The courses look improved. For instance, my youngest son’s history class starts up with the American West, includes the progressive era, World War I, World War II, the Civil Rights era and Vietnam. Pretty timely, since only a couple of weeks ago my youngest son asked me about World War I and how it started. Well the Archduke Ferdinand was assasinated,  but I recall there was a lot more to it. It was sort of like a  run-away train that no one could stop, but I’m not sure that made a lot of sense. Maybe in a few months he’ll be able to explain it to me. 

The teachers look promising, too. One excellent math teacher who had planned to leave is back for another year, and a couple of rookie teachers look like potential stars. Even the PTA seems energized.

And then there’s the final piece in the puzzle - my kids. So far so good. They haven’t failed any tests; Haven’t been late for school; And they’ve turned in the few simple homework assignments they’ve had.

I’ve seen the start of a lot of school years; this one looks special.

Leave it to the U.S. Census Bureau to stay on top of National Singles Week. Actually, the bureau does this every year, releasing a “fact sheet” on singles and single parents to coincide with singles week. This year, it’s this week.

Among the findings in this year’s version: There were 12.9 million single parents living with their children as of last year — 10.4 million of them women. In all, 9 percent of the nation’s households were headed by a single parent in 2006, up from 5 percent in 1970. You can “read the rest here”:http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/010329.html.

On a related issue, the Census Bureau also announced new data on marriage trends today. Here is the news release on it with some of the highlights:

Most People Make Only One Trip Down the Aisle,
But First Marriages Shorter, Census Bureau Reports

In 2004, most people in the United States had married only once, according to new data from the U.S. Census Bureau. Marriage and Divorce: 2004 said 58 percent of women and 54 percent of men 15 and older had made 0nly one trip down the aisle.

The Census Bureau also reported first marriages for women during the peak of the baby boom lasted longer than recent marriages. Of the first marriages for women from 1955 to 1959, about 79 percent marked their 15th anniversary, compared with only 57 percent for women who married for the first time from 1985 to 1989.

People born in the leading edge of the baby boom experienced high divorce rates in the 1970s and 1980s. About 38 percent of men born from 1945 to 1954 and 41 percent of women in the same age group had been divorced by 2004.

Other highlights:

• On average, first marriages that end in divorce last about eight years.

• The median time between divorce and a second marriage was about three and a half years.

• In 2004, 12 percent of men and 13 percent of women had married twice, and 3 percent each had married three or more times.

• Among adults 25 and older who had ever divorced, 52 percent of men and 44 percent of women were currently married.

• Just over half of currently married women in 2004 had been married for at least 15 years, and 6 percent had been married at least 50 years.

A friend who hasn’t stopped by my house since before Pumpkin was born came over recently. Her first words? “I don’t remember your house being this messy.” It’s true: You can divide our home into two stages: pre- and post-baby. Before Pumpkin was born, there wasn’t a bright pink high chair in the kitchen, bibs weren’t hanging on a cupboard knob and a rack of sippies and bottles weren’t drying on the counter. Before Pumpkin, the living room was an adult haven for reading and relaxing by the fire. Now, it’s a playroom, with enough colorful toys and stacks of board books to satisfy a small preschool class. These changes delight our family — but what if I were trying to sell my house? Would a potential buyer be able to see through the clutter to catch the charm of my home? Or would the litter of toys — and, sigh, stray Cheerios — put the kibosh any any deal? It’s a question that faces all parents when they sell their homes, even if the mess has morphed from Elmo dolls to a teenager’s video games, CDs and discarded clothing. I decided to ask someone experienced as both a parent and a real estate agent for her perspective.

Today’s Questions & Parents feature, or Q&P for short, is with Scarsdale resident Claire Civetta, a real estate agent with Coldwell Banker and a mom of three children: Alexander, 20; Nicholas, 17; and Christie, 15. Claire knows what it’s like to buy and sell a home when children are in the picture. She offers some hope for parents who can’t purge all their children’s belongings — it turns out that buyers actually like a home with a lived-in look — as long as that doesn’t mean peanut butter-and-jelly smears on the bannister. As a mom who had had to transplant her kids more than once, Claire also offers tips for keeping the emotional upheaval to a minimum — and getting kids excited about a move.

Q: How does your advice for clients about buying and selling a house differ when you are dealing with parents of children living at home?

P: First and foremost, as a professional real estate broker, I carefully listen to my client’s concerns and needs, whether it involves children, pets or elderly parents. As a buyer’s agent, full disclosure regarding the property is appropriate and expected. I will share anything about the property and the location that I think would enhance their family lives. As a selling agent, I educate my seller as to how buyers will view their home. It can be a delicate conversation, especially if there are serious issues that effect the saleability of the home, like a child’s favorite musky smelling ferret, a propensity for toy clutter or a shabby yard. Buyers respond to the house and the environment, therefore it is important to educate the sellers on how a single issue — as simple as making sure the banisters are not sticky — can place the home in a unfavorable light. Years ago, I fell in love with a home because it was filled with books and children. There was not one television in the place, and the mother was sitting on the front porch reading to her children. I wanted that house before I walked in the door.

Q: When a parent is shopping for a new home, what is the best way to involve a child? How does it differ by age?

P: This is truly a personal call. I think getting a child involved “after” the house decision has been made — and if possible after the contracts are signed — is a healthy approach. There is always an immediate emotional response, either positive or negative. If there is a change of school involved, kids are absorbed with so much personal change that the fun stuff, like picking their bedroom or the colors for their room or having their friends participate, gives them control over their new environment. When my daughter was 10, we moved and not only did she pick the color for her new room but together we stenciled butterflies and ladybugs in her bathroom. In another move, I allowed my teenage daughter and her friend to paint her oversized closet. They had a blast putting their purple hand prints all over the walls.

Q: What happens when children accompany their parents to open houses and showings?

P: There is not one agent who does not have a “Saturday from hell” story when unruly kids are brought along for the ride. It is exhausting trying to educate a buyer, highlight a home, sell a location and navigate a child’s demand for attention. Serious buyers need to make good use of their time and remain focused. I help them by involving the kids, like allowing them to be the leader orgiving them one of my cards to hold. If the parents are reluctant to set clear rules as to what is appropriate in someone’s home, I gently set them. If that doesn’t work, I do the “distraction dance.” I have been fortunate that my “Saturday from hell” only involved a child throwing up in my car and not throwing a tantrum.

Q: What do you tell parents about protecting kids from the emotional ups and downs of the real-estate market, which can include getting your heart set on a house only to lose it to another buyer?

P: I believe that any house can be a home. Moving is one of the top three stress inducing changes, along with divorce and death. Exposing children to the adult fears and concerns about if and when a house will sell, or whether a family can afford the next house, is a personal decision. The buyer should know their child’s emotional texture and decide how much detail is appropriate. In my experience, all children — be they grade schoolers or teenagers — do not like the idea of moving, so why add more stress to the mix? Things like scheduling the showing when the kids are in school and having telephone discussions with your real estate agent without your children present can keep the process removed from their day-to-day lives. Once the contracts are signed, sealed and delivered, then the fun can begin.

Q: What about when you are trying to sell your house and your living room is full of Legos or your teenager’s room is a disaster area? How do you get your house in shape for buyers and still allow your kids to be kids?

P: Buyers respond to life. That is why you will hear many brokers say that it is more difficult to sell an empty house then a full one. If there is a teenager involved, it is difficult. But the saleability of the house is crucial. Sometimes the parent has to be more proactive and do the organizing and straightening. The showings can be arranged for after the cleaning day or while the kids are in school.

Q: What were your strategies with your children when you have had to move to a new home?

P: My children and I have moved several times, most recently in May. At their current ages — 20, 17 and 15 — they were more involved and interested in participating. Clear requests, like taking down existing wall paper and making sure we had wireless connections throughout the house, were easy for me to accommodate. At any age, the need for ownership and comfort is necessary.

Q: What advice do you give parents that you wish they all would follow?

P: Temper your excitement about a new house until contracts are signed. Understand how this move will change your child’s world. Allow them some age-appropriate control over their new environment. Be positive no matter what the reasons are for moving. And remember, any house can be a home!

Thank you very much to Claire for sharing her knowledge by doing a Q& P! If you would like to be featured, or you know any parents who have expertise to share, please comment here on the blog or send me an e-mail at jalterio@lohud.com.

And, in case you missed them, here are links to earlier Q&P features. There are interviews with more than a dozen moms and dads, including a dog trainer dad, financial planner mom, writer mom, mathematician mom, baker mom, drug counselor mom and pediatric dentist mom.

Want to give your high school junior or senior a fast start to college? Then check out the Jumpstart Open House information session on Saturday. Sept. 22 at Monroe College in New Rochelle.

Students can choose from 13 courses, including accounting, allied health, business and marketing, criminal justice, information technology, hospitality and culinary arts. The course is free and textbooks are included. Classes are held for 11 weeks beginning Saturday, Sept. 29 through Dec. 15. But you’ll have to rise early—the classes are held from 8:45 a.m. to 11:40 a.m. at Monroe’s campus at 434 Main St. in downtown New Rochelle.

To participate, students have to apply in advance, score a passing grade on a placement test and write a page-long personal essay, in addition to providing a high school transcript and other documents.

And what do students get out of this? A real introduction to college AND three college credits. That’s worth the early wake-up time on Saturday, right? (Well, at least parents might agree!)

The Open House takes place from 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. on Saturday and the placement test will be offered then. For more information, call Lisa Scora-Contrino, assistant director for admissions at Monroe, at 914-740-6807.

Car safety seats certainly have improved since the days that kiddie seats were made of flimsy plastic and equipped with a steering wheel and horn. The whole thing was hung over the seatback using two large inverted hooks. I remembered my parents were thrilled when they found a small carriage that could be wedged between the front and rear seats, once the chassis (the carriage’s) was removed. I don’t know how safe it was, but my little brother was able to sleep on my first trip to Niagara Falls many years ago.

The Yonkers-based Consumer Reports is out with its latest assessment of infant safety seats, a review that found 11 of 11 were rated as acceptable. The reports finds a wide range of prices, so unless you are shopping for status in infant seats – one can save money by shopping wisely.

The report also contains an analyses of what went wrong when Consumer Reports issued an earlier review of infant safety seats in Feburary, a report which the non-profit group soon withdrew.

And here’s some additional advice on car seats from my colleague and Parents’ Place blogger Julie Alterio

It turns out that picking apples is really, really easy. Too easy. I have a whole bushel’s worth in my foyer to prove it. And do you know who picked the majority of those apples? Pumpkin! Yup, a 2-year-old can be an able apple-picker, especially at a kid-friendly orchard planted with dwarf trees. This Sunday, we went up to Mead Orchards in Dutchess County with my husband’s two sisters, their children and one of their husband’s and my mother- and father-in-law. One sister lives up in the Albany area, so Tivoli was a nice halfway point. It was a sunny day, the apples were red and cheerful and it was just so darn easy to keep filling those bags!

We also had a great picnic lunch on tables steps away from the trees — I got to try out this recipe for “Cooler-Pressed Sandwiches” I’d been saving from the July issue of Cookie magazine. I made all three: Tuna and Artichoke; Mozzarella and Peppers; and Ham and Corn Relish. They were easy to make and the flavor combination gave the sandwiches the feeling of a special treat. The only fault was my own. I used ciabatta instead of the recommended baguette and the sandwiches didn’t get as “pressed” as they might have with a squishier loaf. My favorite was the tuna fish and artichoke. I made it with tuna packed in olive oil and squeezed a whole fresh lemon. The flavors were so bright.

In short, it was a terrific family day. I highly recommend apple picking with kids of all ages. And there’s no need to drive all the way up to Dutchess. Check out this site from the New York Apple Association. You can click on a county and see listings for “pick your own” farms. Local farms with Web sites include Salingers Orchard in Brewster, Dr. Davies Farm in Congers and Wilkens Fruit & Fir Farm in Yorktown Heights. So, get picking! Just don’t come home with a bushel if you don’t know what you’re going to do with them! (My colleague and food editor extraordinaire, Liz Johnson, has kindly posted a notice on her Small Bites blog asking for helpful recipes. I already made a pie and a Waldorf salad. I bought pork chops for tonight’s dinner and will be scanning the Web for a good apple and pork recipe. I only have about 60 apples to go!)

Here are some photos of our day of fun to inspire you to get out and pick your own apples!

Here is Pumpkin picking her first apples:

She even put them in the bag herself:

There’s nothing like the taste of an apple right off the tree. Here is my niece, Samantha, sampling a Cortland:

My sister-in-law, Stephanie, relaxes around the picnic table while her daughter, Rachel, enjoys a fresh-picked apple:

One of the best parts of a day in the country? Taking the time to smell the clover:

Here’s the haul in the trunk ready to come home:

You know the scenario: Cute child. Cute puppy/kitten/goldfish/hamster. Begging on the part of the child. Resistance, then capitulation, on the part of the parent. Child cleans up after pet for one week. Parent gets a new hobby. It happened to my sister-in-law, Susanne, who lives up near Albany with her family, which includes my obviously persuasive nephew. I found out this weekend how grateful a parent can be when a must-wanted pet finds its final reward.

“It finally died. Thank God.” That’s what my sister-in-law said to me on Saturday when I gave her a call to finalize our apple-picking plans for Sunday. She was talking about her son’s fish, and the relief in her voice was palpable. “None of us could stand the fish. It required constant cleaning,” Sue told me. The black guppy lived in its two-gallon tank for about a year — long after a young boy’s aquatic zeal diminished. “He lost interest when he realized it requires work,” she said. Sue estimates that she spent about a half hour once a week over the past year cleaning the tank. Add it up and it comes to 26 hours!

Even though the family’s feelings for the fish changed over the course of the year, no one was willing to do the unthinkable, though the topic was raised. “My son said, ‘Can we flush him down the toilet, and then he’ll be out in the open?’ I said, ‘No, we can’t. It would die, and that’s not nice.’” But then one day, their hopes were answered. “We came home and it was floating. We said, ‘Yeah!’ We’re all so happy. We came to hate the fish.”

Family vacations could be a recipe for disaster. First of all there are the high hopes of a family adventure,  shared experiences and, in this instance, a college visit for my oldest son, who at the time of our trip, was just about to start his senior year in high school.

Then there is all that time cooped up in a car, which can’t be good. And finally there are the memories of your own childhood vacations, which seemed to take place without tantrums and theatrics from children old enough to know better.  

Does anyone know what I’m talking about, or am I the only person who is part of a couple with peridically impaired parenting skills?.

We didn’t leave for our 10-day vacation at 7 a.m. back on Aug. 23, as I had hoped. We got on the road about 10:30 a.m., and then I made the mistake of following travel advice that recommended going through Jersey and Pennsylvania  on the way to Niagara Falls – a big mistake, There were times in these two states when the cars just stopped and we stayed put for at least 30 minutes at a time. With 2-3 other stops for food and bathrooms along the way, we didn’t get to Niagara Falls, Canada, until 9 p.m.  

We also traveled to Toronto, a city in which I could imagine living. In someways it seemed American, but with a somewhat disorienting difference.  The subway there still uses dime-sized, the kind that disappeared in New York City about three decades ago. The kids really liked the tour of the Skydome, now known as the Rogers Center and those all-day breakfast places that seem very popular there. They were very useful for a family has trouble getting out of the hotel before noon. And then there are all the Tim Hortons, a chain of doughnut/sanwhich shops founded by the late Toronto Maple Leaf hockey player. I recently read that there are more Tim Hortons per Canadian than there are McDonalds per American. Score one for the Canadians.   

Our final stop was Ithaca, a great college town with a four-block center that’s closed off to traffic, but still seems quite lively. It was our jumping off point for a visit to Binghamton University, a school that is now on my son’s list of possibles.

At Niagara Falls we visited an amazing butterfly center, Fort Niagara, which I remember from my first trip there when I was eight, and stumbled upon a free jazz festival in Lewsitown, N.Y., where John Pizzarelli was about to perform.

And then there was Niagara Falls, itself. Though my wife wanted to visit them for years, I resisted. I think it had something to do with its old image as honeymoon capital and the tackiness that had been described to me as creeping up too close to what is truly a wonder of the world. 

Right after a quick dinner, we walked off to find the Falls. I pointed out to wife and kids what seemed to be a pretty huge waterfalls and off in the distance what seemed to be a second smaller falls. Having studied the tour books, I explained the big falls were the Canadian/Horseshoe Falls and the smaller ones were the American Falls.

But as we walked through the mist the smaller falls were getting bigger, huge in fact, monstruously huge. They were the Canadian Falls. One of the tour guides later explained that 20 percent of the world’s fresh water went over the falls. I don’t know how they measured that, but I didn’t doubt it. 

The next day we put on the raincoats they handed out on the Maid of the Mist boat and headed into the Horsehoe Falls, where the pilot seemed to park the boat. It  seemed like were standing in the middle of a rainstorm. It was great.

Sometimes it’s good to be wrong.

This morning, after reading this story this story, I found myself talking aloud. To myself.

The case, briefly: Collette A. Barnes, who has a home day care businesses in Stamford, Conn. is free on bail, after being charged with a number of crimes, including leaving her 14-year-old daughter in charge of a whole bunch of kids, hosting a child care facility in a house in need of cleaning and serious repairs (not to mention the possibility of lead paint in the home), and bunch of other problems. It gets worse: Apparently Barnes left her day care business in another adult’s hands while she went to Florida to bring her father to NY for a visit. The adult backed out of the deal and then Barnes’ mother was supposed to take over. But when inspectors paid a surprise visit to the home, no adult was with the kids and the 14-year-old was in charge.

No doubt, this is bad. And if I had a kid there, I would probably take him out. Pronto. But a parent interviewed for the story, who leaves four children in Barnes’ care, says she has very few other options for care. At least care that she can afford and that will work with her fluctuating work schedule. She’s considering sending her kids to her mother in Florida if she can’t find care while Barnes’ business is shut down.

I empathized with this parent: She feels, despite all evidence to the contrary, this is good care for her kids. Barnes reads to the kids and helps them with potty training, she says. Those are good qualities, yes. But then Barnes leaves the state without a responsible adult in charge of her business? That’s unfathomable, in my view. Yet, when your options are limited, you overlook a lot of things.

Still, Barnes faces the possibility of going to jail for 48 years, if she’s found guilty of all the charges. Certainly, I thought to myself, she should never operated a day care facility again and should find another line of work. She made gross errors and poor judgment calls all around. And, as a police officer investigating the case said, she’s just very fortunate that this didn’t end disastrously. But 48 years in prison? I don’t know.

What do you think?