How does your family deal with death?
-
- November
- 18
An uncle died last week after suffering a stroke during the summer. We attended the wake Thursday night and the funeral Friday morning. When I said we I mean me, my wife and our 17-year-old son. My 13-year-old son chose not to attend - even though in the past he has.
At the wake there were some children, one as young as four. And it got me thinking about how families with young children handle death. There seem to be two schools of thought on this – well at least two, because there is a vast middle ground. One holds that it’s good, and natural, for young children to participate in these mourning rituals for relatives or family friends. Others believe, though, that attendence may be too upsetting for young children and it’s best put off until they are older.
I suspect it all depends on the child. See what they think about going to the wake and saying some prayers for the deceased, or – if you are not religious – spending some time thinking and talking about the deceased. Then gauge his or her reaction.
As long as the child is not terribly frightened by the prospect of a wake or funeral service, I think there is much to be gained.
For one thing there are lessons there for children and adults about the importance and power of family bonds. As I sat in church Friday morning I watched my uncle’s grandson, a young man in his early 20s, read a passage from the Bible. He teared up and twice stopped in his reading. When finished, he walked back to his seat and his father, my cousin, put his hand around his shoulder, pulled him closer and kissed him on the forehead. It’s a moment I think I’ll remember.
After the wake I spoke to my youngest son and told him that some of his younger cousins were there. Maybe next time, I said, he will come along with us. My son’s immediate response may not have been realistic, but still it was somehow perfect: “I hope there is no next time.”
This entry was posted
on Sunday, November 18th, 2007 at 3:33 pm by Len Maniace.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Share and Enjoy: 
| 
Print
| 
Email
It’s a tough time when lose our family, I met a widow on singleparentdate.com, she said she nearly want to go with his husband when she heard his death, but when she thought about her kids, she knew she should be independent, strong and live well. I think you can do it!
I was very young when my Dad’s mom died. we went to the funeral service. But he didnt tell me what it was just said we were going to church. I didnt realize they were talking about my grandmother. My dad didnt like death nor the issues that come with it. When he died It was very difficult but i helped my mom and everyone else deal. get this i am the youngest.
I made sure that when other family members or friends passed. I brought my kids, when they knew the deceased. They needed to understand death. Life sux then you die. But its very important for the living to understand and cope. It sux, I still miss my dad and hate he isnt around.
Hope things get better at home and that this is the worst of it for now…
I wasn’t allowed to go to wakes or funerals as a young child. My fathers two parents died when I was 8 and 9 years old, and I didn’t go to the wake or funeral for either one of them. My mother’s father died when I was 10, and I was allowed to go to the church part of the funeral, but not the funeral home or the cemetery.
I went to my first wake at about 15, and it was somebody to whom I wasn’t particularly close, so it wasn’t terribly upsetting.
There’s no right answer to this. Every parent has to decide the right age for his/her child to learn about this unavoidable part of life. Sometimes, I think it is good for kids to be exposed to the mechanics of the whole process for the first time when it involves somebody to whom they’re not particularly close, so they can take it all in without being overwhelmed with grief. Of course, that’s not completely controllable, as circumstances sometimes take over.