Co-parenting with the ex
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- November
- 27
I’ve been fortunate in that I was able to establish a friendly relationship with my son’s mom. She’s remarried, and I’ve moved on as well. None of it has prevented us from co-parenting, and my son benefits as a result. I’m always particularly aware of it this time of year, since it allows my son to enjoy the Holiday season without tension between his parents.
I wish that were true for all divorced parents. But, in fact, most of the conversations I have with separated or divorced parents are about the tense relationship with their ex. Of late, I’ve had conversations with two moms at my son’s after school program, and they were both dreading the Holidays because they anticipate some disagreement or other over presents, where to spend the Holidays, etc.
Sometimes in those situations one parent is the cause of the difficulty. But most often, both parents contribute, and the children suffer as a result. The irony is that neither parent ever wants the children to suffer. Sometimes it just ends up that way.
There is no shortage of suggestions on coping with the ex. I found a particularly good list on the single parent link on the lifetips.com website. The suggestions are a good starting point to fashioning a tolerable relationship with the ex. In the early stages of my split, I found it was necessary for me to bite my tongue and swallow my pride quite often. I’m sure my ex felt the same way.
Ultimately, we were able to form enough of a friendship that those issues could be addressed when my son wasn’t around or on the phone. But in most cases, the issues didn’t seem significant any longer, so we moved on and focused on our roles as parents and even friends. And at no time of year am I more thankful for it than the Holidays.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, November 27th, 2007 at 12:19 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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Thanks for this Jorge! You’re right: how unfortunate that when two divorcing parents can’t compromise, it’s the child who suffers.
Please offer some tips about how you and your ex manage to get along so well! (Bravo to both of you. You’re a great example.)
For example, how do you plan your schedules with your son?
Do you two have an online calendar set up together?
Do you still talk on the phone a lot?
Often, it seems like just the little details—like around scheduling—can cause big problems. Do share how you do it!
Hey, Rachel;
Thanks for reading. And thanks for the “bravo.”
Frankly, I’ve always wished I had more of a formula for this. But it’s been mostly gut feeling. We do have a set schedule which splits my son’s time 50-50, but most people find it confusing. We do not have an online calendar, only an internal one. And the only reason it all works is because we do talk on the phone a lot. In fact, pretty much daily, as well as sharing time with my son on his birthdays (last Saturday) and significant holidays, such as Halloween. It’s all in the communication.
As I mentioned in the blog entry, it does take patience and a lot of “eating crow,” as they say. My motto: Just think kid.
Anyway, I don’t want to miss the opportunity to plug Rachel’s own blog. She does quite a remarkable job on it, and finds time for a regular Lifetime TV column. So check it out. I’ll be borrowing from her research and experience in the near future.