Interesting blog item on the “Fathers and Families”:http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/site/index.php website. It deals with “moveaways,” or the process whereby children of divorced or separated parents are moved to a new home. It’s clearly a legitimate issue, but I think there are other elements at work in many of those situations, and certainly in the example cited in the blog.

When my ex and I split, she argued for us to keep the house so my son would have one home he was already comfortable with. My view was that if he had two loving homes, it would not matter as much, particularly given his young age. But I gave in and the home remains one of the two he shares time in. Has it been a factor in his adjustment? Hard to say. But I have to concede it didn’t hurt.

In general, I think relocating children is probably not the best scenario if it can be avoided. Sometimes, particularly in divided families, it is routinely unavoidable. According to “the ‘moveaways’ blog”:http://fathersandfamiliesblog.org/?p=314 that I referred to above, moving children in those situations is harmful, and several studies are cited. It is undoubtedly a debatable point, as the blogger himself expresses. And then he cites a case study involving a Massachusetts couple.

In truth, I’m not sure it’s the best example, since there seems to be some intense emotional tension between the parents in the relationship, something which directly impacts the kids. To me, that level of animosity between parents is a more damaging factor in most divorce situations than the simple act of moving a child to a new home after a separation or divorce.

But that’s just the way I see it.

I have a child who loves to eat sushi – that’s right: Raw fish. I can’t even look at the stuff without getting queasy, but I tend to indulge her because seafood is such a healthful food, right?

Maybe not.

With all the talk about mercury and other nasty stuff lurking in our fish, I’m starting to wonder if I should continue to allow my daughter to eat sushi.

I guess other parents are wondering the same thing.

A group called KidSafe Seafood, which describes itself as “not-for-profit organization focused on ensuring a healthy ocean, and a healthy seafood supply, for the future” has come up with a list of “safe” sushi ideas for kids.

One is a standard California roll made with imitation crab meat — not a favorite in my family. The others are sushi -wanna bees: fruit, peanut butter, etc., dressed up to look like the real thing.

Take a look at the KidsSafe sushi party ideas here.

If your kids are like mine, they’re probably clamoring for a Wii. I didn’t even try to buy one during the busy Christmas/Chanukah season. But someone in my family has a birthday coming up. So I started asking around…..The news wasn’t encouraging. All local stores seemed to be sold out. No better luck with on-line sites.

Then I wrote a story for The Journal News about nursing homes in our area that are using the Wii as therapy for older residents. Many nursing homes also complained that they were not able to buy a Wii because store were sold out.

Then a reader posted a comment to my story that contained a tip in how to find the elusive video game. A site called www.wiialerts.com will send you an e-mail and text message to your cell phone when a store is in stock.

I signed up.

Later that day, I got an e-mail alert about a possible Wii sighting.

Turns out I didn’t need it.

A colleague here in the newsroom heard me talking about the site. She told me that the night before a friend called her with the news that a store in Spring Valley had the game.

I quickly called the store, but I was too late.
But the clerk told me another store in Suffern, “GameStop”:http://www.gamestop.com/Default.asp?cookie%5Ftest=1& had just gotten a shipment.
I called and a very nice clerk promised to hold one for me for an hour.

An hour and $270 later, I was a proud Wii owner.

On the one hand, it’s gratifying, helpful and reassuring when there’s actually something written for single/separated/divorced fathers. There’s just not as much for us out there.

On the other hand, it seems like dads are characterized as the secondary parent. Whether or not that’s the case statistically in terms of single-parent homes nationwide, it always frustrates me that single dads are assumed to have lesser custody status and little time for the kids. Maybe I’m just reading that into it, maybe not.

And perhaps we do have to step up more. But most of the single dads that I know love their kids, make time and, in many cases, split custody 50-50, the way my ex and I do. So when do we get equal billing? Have we earned it?

With that in mind, I did my regular surfing on “The Single Parents Network”:http://singleparentsnetwork.com this morning and came across one such article for single fathers. It’s on the site’s father’s link, which is one of the features I like about the network.

It’s “a very good tips list,”:http://singleparentsnetwork.com/Articles/Detailed/267.html which regular readers know is something I’m fond of posting. But what’s with tip 1? Other than a glitch that makes the print tiny (not great for my aging eyes), it seems to assume an absentee dad. Or am I reading too much into it again?

 This is a process, this whole separeted/divorced thing. I’m sure there’s a study somewhere that breaks it down scientifically. Some would likely say you go through the stages of death. Others would say it’s just that—a process.

Well, if you’re in that boat, you have your own version. It’s never easy to split from your mate, and particularly so if you have kids in the mix. There’s hurt, guilt, anger, etc. If you’ve read my blog with any regularity, you know that the kids in the mix is always a priority for me, whatever the dynamics.

But there’s also comfort in knowing you’re not the only one that went through it. And sometimes the web is the best place to find a diary of the process. That’s how I came upon Richard, otherwise known as the blogger, “The Separated Man.”:http://separatedman.blogware.com/blog

He brings his own story to the table, and does a good job of being open, honest and blunt about the emotions and trials he’s going through. He’s also in the minority, as he’s a single dad blogging about his experiences. Statiscally, separated/divorced dads are fewer in numbers than single moms, so it stands to reason that there’d be fewer of us blogging out there.

So, Richard becomes the latest member of the network of single/separated/divorced parents I’m trying to build. My ultimate goal is to link moms and dads in those situations through our blogs. Hope you’ll find The Separated Man a good addition.

And check out the blogroll on the main Parents Place site. Always open to new adds.

I heard another horror story today about a divorced couple and the nightmare they’re putting their young daughter through. I hate these stories, but there’s no denying they’re way too common.

In this scenario, the parents are feuding over custody time and several other details. The father listens in on phone conversations the little girl has with the mom, and took away a cell phone the mom bought the girl — at the child’s request so mother and daughter could talk privately at her dad’s house. The mom, on the other hand, has made unreasonable demands in the custody schedule.

There’s really no winner in a situation like that. And divorced parents need to take account of the lingering emotional distress this causes children even in adulthood, long after they have built their own lives. I can count several close friends who have dealt with the dysfunction of a broken home for years, some more intensely than others.

I think that’s why it’s vital that parents who go through the separation or divorce process check their own emotions when kids are involved. With that in mind, the “Single Parents Network”:http://singleparentsnetwork.com put together a good check-list for parents to keep in mind when going through a divorce. It’s not necessarily the definitive list, but the “tips for divorcing parents”:http://singleparentsnetwork.com/Articles/Detailed/130.html falls into the category of food for thought.

It seems like such a small thing to consider for the sake of a child — and the adult they’ll become.

There’s little doubt that Internet dating is increasingly popular among single parents. I mean, most single parents I know are looking for a companion, and a lot of them are turning to the web to restart their social lives. A lot of them.

I think it’s for obvious reasons: Single parents have less free time to get involved in traditional dating rituals, less patience for the “dating game,” and, since they’ve likely been “burned” in some relationship capacity, they like being able to surf profiles to be more selective about who they express interest in. With kids in the picture, being selective is particularly appealing.

Personally, I don’t know too many single parents who haven’t delved into it in some capacity. I do know some who have met mates through groups like “Parents Without Partners,”:http://www.parentswithoutpartners.org preferring the face-to-face encounters that offers, as well as the child-friendly atmosphere it provides. But most folks I know like the convenience of the Internet, and know that the stigma and fear of online dating seems to have subsided a bit in recent years among both parents and non-parents.

But how does one get involved? The top dating sites are certainly active, but not particularly designed for single parents. If you’re considering it, the advice I give single-parent friends is to surf around and read up on some single-parent dating sites. There are plenty out there. But avoid “younger” sites, and hunt down what appeals to you. Then be selective and don’t compromise.

One single-dad blogger who reached out to me this week is putting together an online site that seeks to help. It’s not a dating site per se, but “Single Parent Romance”:http://www.singleparentromance.com offers links to some. More importantly, he’s putting together a list of online resources for single parents and will link relevant blogs in an attempt to create an online community.

I’d put it out there as a good starting point. And remember, while it’s not for everyone, there’s nothing wrong with having options.

Yesterday was the deadline for many college applications. So my eldest son was at his school until 10 p.m. last night finishing his applications. I know that because at 8 p.m. he called to ask for an example of his stubborness, something he needed for his college essay.

“An example of your stubborness? How about waiting until the last minute to finish you college applications, even though we told you to do it months ago,” I said.

“I can’t use that in this essay,” he said.

That leads me to the following question: Is procrastination genetic? I once had a tendency for lateness that led a friend to come up with the concept of Maniace time - a time zone that’s somewhere to the left of the Eastern zone. I think the final straw was when I arrived a half hour late to drive him to his wedding. 

But procrastination had nothing to do with that. It was love. Before arriving at his house I gave my then-girlfriend some tips on driving my car, which she would need to get to the reception hall  since I would be in a wedding-party limo. It was love. I treasured that gleeming, cream-colored 1972 Super Beetle.

Eventually my wife cured me of my procrastination (This may come as a surprise to my editors; not the part about my wife, but that I’ve been cured). While I could be anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour late, my wife topped me by orders of magnitude. When it came to leaving on vacation trips, this meant we’ve been anywhere from three to six hours late. My reaction to her lateness was to reform; I’m now semi-punctual. That has allowed me to name a time zone after her.

Hence my original question: Is procrastination genetic? If so, my kids are going to be world champs.  

Interesting business story today about “changes to MySpace”:http://www.lohud.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080115/BUSINESS01/801150324 to increase monitoring of the site. I’m sure we’re all familiar with MySpace, and the concerns many parents have with the unfiltered access some kids and teens have to it. So, this move would put in some changes to target sexual predators who may frequent the site.

According to the story, 49 states and the District of Columbia have endorsed the changes for the site, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. Apparently, only one state, Texas, has failed to back the measure. What’s up with that?

I think it’s time to blog on this: Too many snow days.

As I hear it, everyone seems to agree that school districts order snow days — or delayed openings, as was the case today in my son’s district — much more frequently than when we were kids. It’s certainly my experience. Or is it simply my perception?

My neighbor, who is from the Czech Republic, laughed off today’s delay, noting that when he was a kid back home there would be a foot of snow on the ground and all the kids would pray that school would close. He says it happened once that he can remember.

In my own youth, I certainly remember walking to school amid snow banks with snow falling. In recent years, including the harsh winter of 2004, it became an issue, with district worrying about making up school time because of all the snow days. I stumbled upon “this story from cnn.com”:http://www.cnn.com/2004/EDUCATION/02/09/snow.days.ap/index.html about one superintendent’s dilemma with it, and the fallout he endured.

But I couldn’t find a viable database that tracks the number of snow days per year. I thought this would end the debate once and for all, and determine whether schools are wimpier these days or whether it’s just our perception. One newspaper in Michigan took to the web last month and conducted “a reader poll”:http://blog.mlive.com/taking_notes/2007/12/school_snow_day_poll_too_many.html on the subject. Not exactly scientific, but it does make for some interesting results.

Of course, I’m not bringing this up with my son. Nothing a kid loves more than a snow day. It’s a hassle for us grown-ups, dealing with work and what to do with the kids and, particularly as a single parent, negotiating with the ex to reach a compromise on who takes time off, who doesn’t, whose turn it is to do so, etc. The big winner is always my son, who gets a day off. I just hope he remembers how good he had it as a kid.

No, not the kind we need as parents. We’ve all had a crash course in that if we have kids. I mean getting your children to be patient in impatient situations. Like, the long lines at Disneyworld.

In this case it was the long lines at the “Holiday Train Show”:http://www.nybg.org/hts at the New York Botanical Garden. We took the boys there last weekend for the show, which ends this weekend if you want to check it out. It was an awesome display which the kids loved — after a 90-minute wait on line because of obviously poor planning and management by the folks in charge.

Needless to say, we had a 3-year-old and a 10-year-old in tow, so it required some creative time management. Since there were two adults, we were able to split time between standing on line and taking the kids to run around somewhere or other. But this would’ve been a remarkably more trying situation for a single parent with no partner. I went through this a few years ago when I took by son to Disneyworld and the waits became difficult for him, and understandably so.

These days, I’m fortunate to have my girlfriend in the picture (add “line marker” to her lists of attributes). But it still leaves the question of managing patience in children in an impatient situation. The “University of Pittsburgh Medical Center”:http://www.upmc.com/AboutUPMC has one of many sites out there that discusses “how to teach children patience.”:http://www.upmc.com/HealthManagement/ManagingYourHealth/PersonalHealth/Children/?chunkiid=14355

Obviously, the article focuses on more significant benefits to teaching patience than just managing a child while you’re on a dreadfully long line. Those are, of course, valuable to successful parenting, and having patience during a long wait is much more mundane. But I was most struck by the suggestion that kept coming up as I was doing some research for this posting: Start by being patient yourself. To be honest, patience isn’t exactly my strength. And maybe I should teach myself first.

Besides, watching the kids roll down the hill during my time as “line marker” looked kinda fun.

I don’t remember the last time I saw my oldest son cry. I didn’t actually see him cry yesterday when his high school basketball team lost by two points.

After the small crowd had gone home and only the two teams and the score keepers remained, I looked across the court to see my son’s face buried in his hands. Then he pulled his jersey over his face as several of his team mates attempted to console him.

It had been a tough loss. His team had fought back after trailing by at least 13 points only to lose by by two. It hadn’t been his best game. He still hadn’t recovered from a torn rotator cuff suffered at the start of the season. He had scored and rebounded some, but it was his hustle yesterday that I really admired  - playing defense, wrestling for the ball while sprawled on the court, and  late in the game getting an opponents’ foul shot nullified when a player on the other team had stepped over the line too soon during a foul shot.

But with one second on the clock and his team down by two points, my son, who is 17,  was on the foul line to shoot two. If he hit both,  his team just might win its first game of the season.

The first shot bounced off the rim. So did the second.

I could guess how he felt. His teamates had named him team captain after he had led them last year in scoring, rebounding and foul shooting. But this day the shots did not go. He had let his team down and he had let himself down.

I walked across the court to him and rubbed his back and head. I told him it was OK, and that he had played a good tough game, but I don’t think he was buying it. Only after the coach had called him a second time for the post-game meeting did the jersey come down from his face.

Later I tried to figure out what I would say to him. I felt badly for him. The loss and his missed shots hurt. What could I say? But I had another feeling that I couldn’t quite place. Finally I knew what it was and what I would say – I was proud of him.

We talked after dinner last night, just the two of us, and it was the closest I had been to this stubbornly independent boy in a while. Maybe we did manage a win of sorts yesterday.

Okay, this is way premature: My son is just 10.

But I’ve always accepted that my time with him is limited. We buddy around now and go on treks together, share movies and even joust in X-Box contests now and again. But what happens when he hits the teen years? That’s when dad has to drop him off around the corner so his friends won’t see him with me. It’s inevitable, isn’t it?

This came to mind this week when a colleague of mine told me the latest news about his 15-year-old. Both our sons take guitar lessons and fool around with the six-strings, so we’re always checking in on their progress. This week he tells me his boy has turned in his guitar for text-messaging. In other words, he has a girlfriend.

Now, my girlfriend’s 3-year-old has a girlfriend too. Of course, in pre-K it’s a slightly different dynamic. My son is in fifth grade, and had his first kiss in kindergarten. He has had a girl or two chasing him over the years. He’s still at that age where he blushes at the mere mention of that first kiss, but two girls in particular always come up year after year.

Anyway, the girlfriend isn’t even the ultimate point. It’s more a matter of losing some part of that father-son bond when my boy hits the teens. I know of cases where it hasn’t worked that way, but a lot more where it has. For instance, I have one cousin who remained close with her boys during those years, largely by staying current on the latest video games and playing with them frequently. Another cousin left home early in his teen years due to his inability to relate in any way to his parents.

Will my son be one or the other extreme? Or somewhere in the middle? I bring this up to him now and again, and he tells me that’ll never happen. He’ll always be my buddy. God bless his little heart for saying so.

But, as much as it as a rite of passage of sorts, I do dread it. I mean, isn’t it just a matter of time?

In early December, we put up a holiday poll asking the Parents’ Place community about our favorite holiday traditions. Here are the answers:

Decorating the Christmas tree, 6 votes, 43%
Making cookies, 4 votes, 29%
Watching “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer,” 2 votes, 14%
Wrapping gifts, 1 vote, 7%
Celebrating Kwanzaa with friends, 1 vote, 7%

Check back soon for our next poll — and if you have a suggested question, let us know!

Yesterday, I told the story of how, through a computer glitch, I lost several years worth of e-mail that includes notes telling the story of Pumpkin’s life in all its little details and big milestone moments. This was pretty upsetting, as you can imagine. Well, I found a solution that has me somewhat relieved, but a little daunted.

I knew there was a chance the files were saved somewhere on my computer, since I don’t have the option of leaving e-mail permanently on the Internet service provider’s server. The problem is that Mac Mail saves the e-mail in a format that’s designed for the program to retrieve, but not for the user to find by searching through the library. But I was determined, particularly after neither Optimum Online nor Apple tech support could find a way to restore the messages. I found a folder embedded deep in my computer that contained about 8,700 files, all named with “elmx” and a number. I opened one, and it was a sent e-mail message. I was so happy — here were the missing messages! But I was also intimidated by the task. There is no way to do a text search on the files and their file names give no hint as to their contents. The dates on the files also do not correspond to the dates inside the e-mails.

So, yes, I have to open up all 8,700 files individually, scan their contents and save the ones that relate to Pumpkin as text files. It’s a big job, but at least I have a solution. It will be worth the effort, I know, based on a few of the e-mail messages I’ve read so far that put a date on how many ounces of milk she was drinking and when she smiled her first smile. Good luck to me! I also hope that all the messages are saved because there are some odd leaps in time between them.

I am sharing this tale because I am hoping it will be a lesson to all of us. We parents sometimes need a reminder to backup our precious memories stored on our computers. Do you still have holiday photos on your hard drive that haven’t been saved anywhere else? Get them backed up! And think about unconventional sources of memories, like e-mail. Those e-mails or instant message logs from your son or daughter spending a first year at college, for instance, would be a treasure if you saved them to read again in 10 years. Do the rest of you have any backup tips to share? Or any tales of lost (or found) data?