The dreaded teen years
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- January
- 8
Okay, this is way premature: My son is just 10.
But I’ve always accepted that my time with him is limited. We buddy around now and go on treks together, share movies and even joust in X-Box contests now and again. But what happens when he hits the teen years? That’s when dad has to drop him off around the corner so his friends won’t see him with me. It’s inevitable, isn’t it?
This came to mind this week when a colleague of mine told me the latest news about his 15-year-old. Both our sons take guitar lessons and fool around with the six-strings, so we’re always checking in on their progress. This week he tells me his boy has turned in his guitar for text-messaging. In other words, he has a girlfriend.
Now, my girlfriend’s 3-year-old has a girlfriend too. Of course, in pre-K it’s a slightly different dynamic. My son is in fifth grade, and had his first kiss in kindergarten. He has had a girl or two chasing him over the years. He’s still at that age where he blushes at the mere mention of that first kiss, but two girls in particular always come up year after year.
Anyway, the girlfriend isn’t even the ultimate point. It’s more a matter of losing some part of that father-son bond when my boy hits the teens. I know of cases where it hasn’t worked that way, but a lot more where it has. For instance, I have one cousin who remained close with her boys during those years, largely by staying current on the latest video games and playing with them frequently. Another cousin left home early in his teen years due to his inability to relate in any way to his parents.
Will my son be one or the other extreme? Or somewhere in the middle? I bring this up to him now and again, and he tells me that’ll never happen. He’ll always be my buddy. God bless his little heart for saying so.
But, as much as it as a rite of passage of sorts, I do dread it. I mean, isn’t it just a matter of time?
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, January 8th, 2008 at 5:53 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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It’s hard to say – you just never know. My son (15 years old and a sophomore) and I are not as close as we once were, but still enjoy each other’s company. Not so between him and his father – they are too much alike, I think, and that brings problems – but the two of them are in a rough spot. I try to mediate without taking sides – also tough – but we do the best we can. It sounds like a cop-out, but I really think that a lot of it has to do with who they choose as friends. My son still has the same friends he had in kindergarten, and I know all of the parents of these kids – we see each other all the time and so having parents around is natural for everyone involved. When they start with the girlfriends and making other friends who we DON’T know, that’s when we start to lose touch. And if these friends turn out to be not so good for them, you lose touch even faster. Luckily that hasn’t happened to me but I’ve seen it happen on lots of different occasions.
Have him Read catcher in the Rye.
I had both my sons read it … it will help with the whole being able to talk to the parents thing ;-]
Thanks both for the feedback.
My ex and I have kept tabs on my son’s friends, and we get him together with his two closest friends all the time. Both are good kids whose parents we know well. But, yes, every year there are new kids, and this year there’s one from my neighborhood who has the makings of a bully. That’s an issue for another blog. Once again, thanks for your insight Doreen.
And, Steve, I’ll add Catcher in the Rye to the reading list!
Jorge, I don’t think it’s a matter of time for any particular thing to happen except to recognize that your relationship with your son is constantly changing. Did you ever read Passages? Years ago adolescence ended in the teens, now Passages was rewritten to reflect our society and adolescence ends around 30. My son and I became close over certain things that I could support him in, like advice about each of his girlfriends, picking presents, being appropriate and walking her into her apartment, not leaving her at the curb – making sure she was safe – and buying clothes and hairstyles. Other issues evolved, such as my involvement in his schoolwork, SATs. We had push pulls but never a break off. I know there were things he didn’t tell me, but I talked a lot about things I was concerned about and put my foot in my mouth a lot because I talked at him a lot, instead of with him.
All in all, he knew I was his best cheerleader and I did everything I could to help him have choices. I think the worst years were 12-14, then he sought me out more and now that he’s in his mid-20s we’ve created a new relationship.
I think when you have love and communication it all works out, we, as parents, have to learn to shift gears and perspective. I think parenting is the most challenging relationship. It has certainly taught me the most about myself.
Gina;
Thanks for your post. Very insightful and helpful. I’ll cling to that last paragraph, if you don’t mind. Quite striking.
Thanks.