Sons and the silent treatment
-
- February
- 19
My wife, oldest son and I visited Stony Brook University yesterday to check out the school that’s vaulted to first place on my son’s list of college choices.
It’s a big school; lecture halls are routine for most classes he’s going to take his first year. Also since its an NCAA Division One school, chances are just about zero that he will play for the school basketball team, something that occuppied a lot of his time in his last two years of high school. That’s not to say the school doesn’t have a lot going for it. There’s just a lot to sort through.
Asked what my son thought about the school, he answered: “Good.” What did he like in particular: “Nothing.” What didn’t you like: “Nothing.” And how it compared with other schools we’ve visited: “About the same.”
My son can make Humphrey Bogart seem absolutely chatty.
After the tour, as my son and I walked to get the car, I suggested that it’s OK to feel anxious about going to college. He immediately insisted he wasn’t. Is that exhibit number one that he is worried?
So how do I get him to talk a little more? I’m kind of at a loss.; talking about feelings is not something he is particulary good at. I’ve told him some about my experiences at college. I guess I’ll tell him a more, especially the funny things. That can’t hurt.
Meanwhile last night, I made an offer: ”I know you’re not worried about college, but anytime you want to talk about college with me you can.”
He gave a half smile-half laugh, a gesture that could have meant nearly anything. It could have meant “I’m not talking; it’s no big deal.” Or perhaps, ”Thanks, dad.”
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, February 19th, 2008 at 9:04 am by Len Maniace.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Share and Enjoy: 
| 
Print
| 
Email
Len, having two that finished college, and watching so many friends kids go through the same, this is not unusual behavior at all. I remember all the boys AND girls taking forever to do student applications, and really not being connected to college – and now thinking about it, we’re looking back at something we know, they’re looking at the unknown and have no idea the implications of their decisions or lack of them.
In other words, I think I’m trying to say that as parents we’re looking at the whole picture and the outcome, these poor kids are stressed out and holding onto highschool and the familiar and not thinking about the consequences of choosing right.
This is a hard place for a parent because you’re paying the bill, you have a goal (to make your child self supporting and have a career that gives them a life and all you dream for them) and you want it to be an experience they savor and make the most out of.
What are the kids thining college is—ask him? What does he want to get out of it – ask him? Don’t accept the grunts and avoidance behaviors – this is serious, it’s about his life and about lots of money (no jokes there). don’t let him be passive aggressive and you step in and make the decision (he’ll blame you for everything that goes wrong) It’s a business deal, he works hard, you pay, there has to be an agreement, an expectation of performance for your support – now is the time to start laying out the contract. He has to take responsibility for his part in it. Also have him sign a health care proxy form naming you and his mother so you have no issues in case of any health crisis. (believe me, when it happens, it happens fast and you have no time to put things together)
This is reality time – remember years ago, your son and mine would have been drafted – now they get extra ‘play time’ before real life starts – so you have to introduce him to real life by making him make decisions. Start talking about legal issues (being in rooms with kids taking drugs, having sex, being accused of rape by some girl he might date, sexually transmitted diseases). He’s going into a big venue and no one watches or warns them, so routine doctors visits and blood tests for AIDS, Hep C help drive reality home.
These are the blind years of youth—hold on, this is where parenting an adult starts and causes lots of sleepless nights.
(do get the insurance that covers if your kids is sick or injured and can’t attend classes, because you could lose an entire semester tuition if your son has an accident, gets mono or something or has psychological trouble adjusting)
You may want to get him to a life coach, or sit with the dean of the school to help him take some control (I’m not one that’s fond of two years of ‘core courses’ leaving them lots of free time during the day and no diretion) (nor am I fond of fraternity living [that’s my stuff]) so start bringing him into a control positon in his world so he can start designing it and taking responsibility for it.
I think college is a privilege, not a right of passage, and as parents we have to keep a close eye that our kids keep on course.
Boy could I go on, but I think I’m off topic. Good luck, the ride has just begun.
So your kids actually graduated. I hope mine will, too. Right now, I’m just glad there is a school that wants my oldest son, and a good school at that.
You raise some good points; I clearly need to worry about a lot more than is on my plate right now.
Seriously, though, my son does need to understand what is expected in the next four years and that going to college, especially a quality public university, is a privilege. But if he’s feeling a lot of stress, which I believe he is, I don’t want to come on too strong about these points.
Actually I would take a harder line. Who’s paying for his college education? See, I am NOT paying and therefore it will be up to my kids where they want to go and what they major in etc. I paid my way they can pay their way. So if they dont want to speak up to me about the school. hey its their choice.
You should tell him to make this choice seriously and communicate more, especially if you are paying. But Len if you were to talk to me about this and you were a friend or close acquaintance I would tell you, have him pay for college and let him make the choice.
Believe me , there’s nothing that makes a kid work harder then the realization that he/she has to pay the tab once the diploma is in hand. I am living proof… I knew I was paying, I did all the leg work on the colleges, i went to college and knowing who was paying made me study,focus etc…
What did I notice about those kids whose parent’s paid. they skated along… many of them said hey i aint paying so what…
I am not saying your son will be like them, however in the back of his mind he probably doesnt understand the financial implications of it all. SO if you would like some friendly advise. dont pay. Co-sign or help him get a student loan and grants etc.. but dont pay…help with food or book money but dont pay the tab… let him earn his way.. it will only make him stringer…
thats my 3 cents
;-]
stringer/stronger..
you said
Seriously, though, my son does need to understand what is expected in the next four years and that going to college, especially a quality public university, is a privilege. But if he’s feeling a lot of stress, which I believe he is, I don’t want to come on too strong about these points.
I honestly think that a great deal of the stress these kids feel is from the unknown and not having a good sense of control and goals. If discussing these issues is coming on too strong then there’s a bigger problem. He may welcome the discussion. I think it’s up to the parent to force dialogue, bring up points and help the child set goals, or just identify them. That relieves stress. If he won’t talk with you enlist counsellors or life coaches.
The way you say you’re just glad some college wants him, especially if he’s reading this, sends a strong negative message. He’s not going to college just to get a diploma and say that he’s done it, he needs to be creating a life for himself doing something he likes (hopefully). You’re investing a lot of money in him. Does he really want to go to college or perhaps a trade school career or something else is what he truly wants and will succeed at?