Joining the sandwich generation
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- March
- 31
Readers of this blog won’t be seeing my posts for a few weeks because I’m taking some family leave to care for my mom, who is recovering from surgery. We hope all will go very well — but this experience puts me for the first time in what’s being called the “sandwich generation.” There’s even a LoHud blog called In the Middle that deals with the topic. The term applies to people in their 30s, 40s and 50s who are responsible for their own kids while also helping their aging parents. My daughter is still a toddler and I’ll be taking care of my mom, who is in her 70s.
I am grateful that I am able to take the time off work (Thanks for the Family and Medical Leave Act, former President Clinton!), and also grateful that my mom moved to this area more than two years ago to help me with Pumpkin. This would have been much harder if I had to travel to my hometown of Niagara Falls. I can’t imagine how disruptive it would be for Pumpkin if she had to leave home for several weeks or, alternately, for me to be away from her for all that time. Just tonight, I had to sing her lullaby over a cell phone from my mom’s hospital room. (After apologizing in advance to her roommate!)
How are the rest of you Parents’ Place readers coping with your own sandwich generation experiences?
This entry was posted
on Monday, March 31st, 2008 at 12:39 am by Julie Moran Alterio.
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I know what it’s like to juggle a sick mom and little kids. My dad died when I was 23 and just a couple of years (and kids) later, my mom had several surgeries and recovery times, and then was diagnosed with Parkinson’s.
I can’t tell you the sandwich genration-ing I’ve had to do-
kids, school, ballet practice, piano lessons, things to keep my children’s lives on track-to my mom’s doctor appointments, physical therapy, midnight pharmacy raids, back and forth from sitting up all night at the hospital to home to my children during the day.Somehow, I found the tenacity and strength to do it—and that stems from the love and bond families share for each other. I hope you’re able to hang in there and that your hubby can pitch in because it takes everyone. I couldn’t have done it without my husband’s patience and strength.
Keep singing those lullabyes via cell phone! What you’ll teach your daughter is that she’s from a loving family—and a part of something bigger than herself.
~Carol D. O’Dell
Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
available on Amazon
www.mothering-mother.com
in 2005 I lost my mother and father 8 weeks apart after three years of illness – luckily until that time I wasn’t involved in their daily care, just called in when emergencies and surgeries arose, and believe me, there were many – but my parents were independent for 66 of their 69 married years and that’s quite an accomplishment
my mother had a knee replacement and hip surgery after she fell
my father over the course of years from when my daughter was five until he died 20 years later had
two carpal tunnel surgeries
two spinal laminectomies
seven hip replacement surgeries
(a hip infection requiring six weeks of IV antibiotics which I was taught to give)
a prostate surgery
radiation therapy for six weeks
two urethral surgeries resulting from the radiation surgeries
and on and on with care, infections and hospitals and near death experiences
I became the damage control expert, and when I walked into a doctor’s office they cringed.
So from the time my daughter was five and my son three I’ve had to take time out of my life to care for my parents – and they have too as they’ve gotten older. I’m an only child, so without the ‘family’ effort, my parents’ lives would have been impacted more harshly as they aged. We definitely helped keep them independent.
My son and daughter cooked for my parents the last few years of their life – every night, and drove them to many doctor appointments, and we all grocery shopped for them weekly and sometimes daily.
Now my daughter and I manage my 95 year old aunt who’s living with a full time aide for the last two years
What I’ve learned is that I couldn’t do this alone. It is certainly a family effort. And that the quality of our parent’s lives depends on us. It is very hard to find the balance of child, caretaker, medical provider, damage control expert. But, I have no regrets. It has taken a toll on my health at times, and our family – but this is what family is and it requires changes.
Julie, make constant assessments of how this affecting your life, your daughter and your marriage and get help whenever and wherever you can. Because, as I found out, this can go on for years.
Years ago, we had extended family around, women didn’t work and there were physical and emotional support systems – today is a different world.
I wish you and your mom the best. You’re both very blessed to have each other.
Julie—I really wish your mom the best. It can be so hard juggling the needs of your kids with the needs of your parents. Hope everything goes well.
My parent’s live overseas. Last November my brother and I got the dreaded phone call that forced us to drop our everyday lives and fly down to Buenos Aires and then ferry over to Montevideo. My dad became suddenly ill and even though we got to see him, he wasn’t aware that we were there with him. He passed a day after we got there. Mom does not want to come back to NY with us. We barely convinced her to come up this summer. Winters down there are pretty harsh. She’s in her mid seventies and both my brother and I have very young children. On top of every other worry, from finances to work to play dates, this makes my trips to the psychiatrist worth every penny…