my mother had a knee replacement and hip surgery after she fell
my father over the course of years from when my daughter was five until he died 20 years later had
two carpal tunnel surgeries
two spinal laminectomies
seven hip replacement surgeries
(a hip infection requiring six weeks of IV antibiotics which I was taught to give)
a prostate surgery
radiation therapy for six weeks
two urethral surgeries resulting from the radiation surgeries
and on and on with care, infections and hospitals and near death experiences

I became the damage control expert, and when I walked into a doctor’s office they cringed.

So from the time my daughter was five and my son three I’ve had to take time out of my life to care for my parents – and they have too as they’ve gotten older. I’m an only child, so without the ‘family’ effort, my parents’ lives would have been impacted more harshly as they aged. We definitely helped keep them independent.

My son and daughter cooked for my parents the last few years of their life – every night, and drove them to many doctor appointments, and we all grocery shopped for them weekly and sometimes daily.

Now my daughter and I manage my 95 year old aunt who’s living with a full time aide for the last two years

What I’ve learned is that I couldn’t do this alone. It is certainly a family effort. And that the quality of our parent’s lives depends on us. It is very hard to find the balance of child, caretaker, medical provider, damage control expert. But, I have no regrets. It has taken a toll on my health at times, and our family – but this is what family is and it requires changes.

Julie, make constant assessments of how this affecting your life, your daughter and your marriage and get help whenever and wherever you can. Because, as I found out, this can go on for years.

Years ago, we had extended family around, women didn’t work and there were physical and emotional support systems – today is a different world.

I wish you and your mom the best. You’re both very blessed to have each other.

I can’t tell you the sandwich genration-ing I’ve had to do-kids, school, ballet practice, piano lessons, things to keep my children’s lives on track-to my mom’s doctor appointments, physical therapy, midnight pharmacy raids, back and forth from sitting up all night at the hospital to home to my children during the day.

Somehow, I found the tenacity and strength to do it—and that stems from the love and bond families share for each other. I hope you’re able to hang in there and that your hubby can pitch in because it takes everyone. I couldn’t have done it without my husband’s patience and strength.

Keep singing those lullabyes via cell phone! What you’ll teach your daughter is that she’s from a loving family—and a part of something bigger than herself.

~Carol D. O’Dell
Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
available on Amazon
www.mothering-mother.com