Sick child? Whose turn is it?
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- April
- 16
Somebody’s got to stay home with the kid, right? That’s logical enough. But who misses a day of work?
A study last year by sociologist David Maume at the University of Cincinnati determined that moms are still significantly more likely to stay home than dads. Maume surveyed more than 1,400 parents and determined that 78% of women reported taking time off to stay home with a sick kid, compared to 28% for men. You can read more about the study in Science Daily.
The thing is that the study seems to have looked only at traditional homes, with mom and dad in the house. How does one handle the situation when they’re a single or divorced parent? Needless to say, this is a major problem if you solo parent. Unless there’s family nearby or a support group of some sort, you’re in a bind. And what are the rules on this in a blended family?
This has been on my mind this week because my girlfriend’s little boy has been battling the flu and hasn’t been able to go to his day care. She missed a couple of days, and her ex missed a couple and took him to his sister’s house for the day. Statistically, she ultimately takes more of those days on than her ex does, which seems to fit Maume’s study.
But at some point I wonder what my role is. I normally save my days off for when my son is sick, and juggle those with my ex. Is it my role as a stepparent figure to take off as well when my girlfriend’s son is sick? Or is that a responsibility that falls squarely — and exclusively — on the little guy’s parents?
In the end I’m thinking gender isn’t all we should be looking at. Frankly, I’m thinking we need a new study.
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, April 16th, 2008 at 11:11 am by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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Jorge, I don’t think this is about ‘position’ in his family, whether it be biological dad, step dad or mother’s significant other – I think it’s about feelings toward the child. When you love and care for a child, when they’re sick you want to make it better and help take care of them. That will change from situation to situation.
I can’t imagine being that child grown up and looking back and saying my stepdad never cared enough to take care of me, or how a child would feel if the male in his world didn’t nurture him? Here I’d go with my gut and love for the child and wouldn’t keep score on who did what and when.
Gina;
Thanks for the feedback.
My affection for my girlfriend’s son is not an issue at all. Nor, for that matter, is hers for my son.
There are two basic issues, to start with. First is a more practical matter: We each have only so many sick days we can take from work. I believe it’s understood, therefore, that when my son is sick it is my primary responsibility to see that he has someone to stay home with him, be it me or my ex. Same for her, on top of the fact that she wants to be with her son when he is not well so that she may care for him herself. Any decent parent would feel that way.
Obviously, she would want to stay home with my son and I with hers to care for them also. But there is clearly a distinction over whose role it is first. She knows I would stay with her son in the blink of an eye if she and her ex were unable to, and I would care for him as my own.
But, again, we have to be practical and juggle who is best able and who has the right of first refusal, if you will. There is simply a pecking order at work.
The second issue is one of politics, for lack of a better word. Basically, it’s not just about two parenting adults in the home. There are others involved, as in our ex’s.
Her son’s dad sees his son as his primary responsibility as well, and might take issue with me, not him, caring for his sick son. Let me be clear: This has not happened. But it is a dynamic in divided families. However amicable the split is or was, there is sensitive relationship between the biological parent and the step parent. That is why, in those situations, it is ultimately, and in part, about the ‘position,’ and not just the emotional attachment.
And those were more to my point: It’s not solely a matter of my affection for my girlfriend’s little boy. On that there is no debate whatsoever.
Again, thanks for the input. As always, your commentary adds to the discourse and raises significant issues.
Both my husband and I work full time. I don’t have much sick leave accrued so about a month ago when our son was sick I asked him to call in. First question out of his supervisors mouth was why doesn’t your wife stay home?
I was just having a conversation today about how work interferes with life and how ready I am for a four day week and 9-5 hours so I have a life – and my kids are grown.
It is so difficult for the friends I see here at work losing all of their vacation time to take off for their kids for school plays, sickness, etc. I see your point Jorge, from time to the pecking order. I would tend to go with it takes a village to raise a child, from parents, steps and in-laws and friends, we call in whoever can help. When I grew up we had more at home moms and when my kids grew up I worked a job that gave me more flexibility and much less salary to be more available. I was lucky that I could afford it at the time. I think letting the child’s parents decide first would be the way to go and then get involved if you have to in case for legitimate reasons they can’t cover.
Sometimes I feel that we need a new agency or job description called “extended family”. I knew lots of friends that had ‘multiple babysitters’ lined up to cover the times that a child needed to stay home for sometimes a week or more and weren’t really that sick or that contagious. And it is hard to get time off even without pay to stay home. I also have friends where the husband or wife works days and the other works nights. It is a big problem across all families.
The person that telecommutes. Otherwise the person that can afford to miss work that day.
It has to be fair… and equitable.
Agreed, Steve. The parent you really feel for is the solo parent who has no support group. You miss work too often, your job is on the line. This is the kind of stuff we delved into several months ago with the home alone mom in White Plains.
yep. well at age 10 or so. i was on my own as well. both parents worked. and all my siblings were in college.
it was the 70’s but still .. it can be done…and it tajes a village to raise a child