The prom date debate
-
- April
- 23
Looking for input on this one.
This is an issue that came up in a friend’s family, and I differ with my girlfriend and others on it. The scenario is this: A 15-year-old boy was asked to go to the Senior Prom by a senior at the school. The parents know each other and the kid’s a good kid. He’s never been in trouble, very mature and the whole bit. The girl asked him, and he said yes.
Next, he told his mom, who said he could not go because he is too young to go to a Senior Prom. The boy never shared this with the girl, and told her he would be going. When the parents ran into each other, the boy’s mom found out he had not declined as she told him. So, he got grounded and will not be going to the prom either way.
The two issues are this: Is a 15-year-old boy too young to go to a Senior Prom? Secondly, should he have been grounded for defying his mother’s wishes and not telling the girl he wouldn’t be allowed to go? Frankly, I’m not sure how he would’ve pulled it off when the prom day comes around, but perhaps he hoped to convince his mother before then.
For the record, the parent here is in a traditional two-parent home, so it’s not a single-parenting issue. Of course, I always think of these situations as they would apply to single-parent or blended family homes, and I think that adds other potential elements. So, my third question is, does your answer to the first two questions change if I apply the situation to a single-parent household?
Anyway, what do you think?
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008 at 10:12 am by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Share and Enjoy: 
| 
Print
| 
Email
Yes and yes. Yes 15 is too young for a senior prom. And good for that mom for being a parent. Any one of us in our 40s or upper 30’s would have been more than grounded back in the day.
about time the parent is a parent. regardless if its a traditional 2 parent or single parent home. parenting is parenting.
Really weird that you posted this. My fifteen year old was just asked to go to his hs senior prom by a senior girl. I told him I’d have to think about it. I’m actually on the fence, but leaning toward letting him go to the prom, but no after-parties and definitely not to the shore for the weekend if that’s part of the deal. He’ll have to tell the girl what the rules are – she may not want to take him if he can’t be part of the whole festivity. But I really don’t care. As Steve said—I’m not his friend, I’m his mom. And 15 is too young.
Interesting question. I went to a jr/sr prom when I was 15 and a sophomore. My girlfriend was a junior. My parents were fine with it because they knew her parents, and she and I weren’t in a party crowd.
But if my 16 year old daughter who is a sophomore got asked by a senior boy, I might not want her to go. Double standard? Not sure. Maybe I just need to see my daughter go on more casual dates like frozen yogurt and movies before I warm up to a prom.
btw – she and her friends do not date. The focus is more on “study hard to get into a great college”. That worries me, as I think there’s a lot to learn about relationships during the teen years. But she’s only a sophomore, so maybe things will change next year.
i wasnt allowed out after 8pm/9pm at 15. when i hit 17 i was allowed a little later. But I also gre up in brooklyn where everything was within walking distance and everyone practically knew who I was , or who my dad was…
I am sorry, but you must be the parent and calling this different times doesnt cut it. BE the parent. The issue today kids walk over the parents because the govt dictates everything. it shouldnt if everyone would just be the parent.
Good input by all. I think the general feeling is obviously that the 15-year-old should not be allowed to go to the prom. Personally, I disagree. That’s partly due to knowing the kid in question, so I would deem it a case-by-case situation. However, I do agree entirely with momanon: There would have to be strict rules and an early curfew for the night. The girl would need to know that ahead of time and decide if she’s ok.
That aside, I do wonder if there are double-standards here. If I had a 15-year-old daughter and a senior asked her to the prom, I might view it differently. So, I’m with dadshouse there, and would probably be a hypocrite myself, as I went to my prom with a 15-year-old sophomore.
Jorge, I agree with you that this should be on a case by case basis. When I look back at my youth, my parents ruled with an iron hand and so did the other parents – and kids went behind their backs and were sneaking around. When my kids hit highschool and I worked there, I learned that my son had girls that were friends and girlfriends and the same with my daughter. They had wonderful friends who came by when they were sick and my son had surgery to nurse him. There really is a difference in the thinking of the kids today for the good and bad in many ways. But about the senior prom, my concern as a parent is who my children’s friends are – that I”m included in their decision making and they follow rules – think back when 18 meant going in the army. At what age do we step back and help our kids make good decisions and become adults – I think the answer is always.
One rule I would have is that the child contribute to the cost of a prom which is astronomical and that they be home afterward. Obviously this 15 and 17 or 18 year old have some kind of relationship and the parents are or should be aware of it.
I think proms are great opportunities for parents to bond with their children, getting dresses and tuxes and helping them make the arrangements. I enjoyed my children’s junior and senior proms and afterwards their friends had a great time – carefully chosen, good fun.
case by case? how will the 15 year old get there?
call me old fashioned but he will have plenty of opportunity.
However, there is no excuse for disobeying a parents wishes.
you want to give your child permission to go to a prom thats fine. But if you say no its no. This is why the kids are the way they are today. No respect for the parent when they say NO.
I know what happened to me if i disobeyed whether thats right or wrong it was for the time. but the issue at hand is … BE the Parent. just because you werent allowed to go to a skinny dipping party .. you will say yeah to your kid???
Listen we all did stuff behind our parents back. but we also expected consequences. This is what is missing from the kids today. they expect to do things with impunity.
I have no patience for this type of upbringing…
I was no saint and when i got caught i got it.. i earned it..
but i also listened when it came to the real hard decisions. even when i thought it was mean etc…
Obedience is obedience. if you are being the parent and say yes.. well thats being the parent. if you say no.. thats also being the parent. but the child needs to adhere to the rule.
ok i am done now
Steve;
Yeah, case-by-case. As a parent, there are some hard and fast rules on what I will allow my child to do and not do. Most of those are no-brainers.
But this one is a judgment call to be made on a case-by-case basis, at least as far as the prom decision itself is concerned. That’s parenting. It’s not a case of being your kid’s friend rather than his or her parent. It’s making a parental decision based on the situation, the people involved, your kid’s maturity, and your own instincts.
That aside, I am glad you raised the misobedience portion of this situation. Because, essentially, the punishment came from disregarding the parent’s directive. And that falls squarely on the don’t side of the do’s and don’ts list. That’s where being grounded falls into place—although I hardly think it’s an indication of the problem with kids today. I have a list of those somewhere.
Steve, I’m the first one to be a tough love parent and my kids knew that what I said was law – then I learned that I had to bend too and understand the consequences of my decisions as well as their decisions -it’s not about laying law that’s written in stone.
Obviously in saying yes to the girl, there are financial and other issues this boy was not taking into account – usually the kids share the cost of an expensive limo -tickets, flowers, etc. So, this boy was not thinking it through and there is no way he could have gotten away with not being found out.
I personally think that what parents agree to with their child is based on their relationship and their child – Plenty of kids go to proms as friends so that they can go because they don’t have a significant other – in fact I saw more of that than boyfriend girlfriend dates when I worked in the schools—
I completely didn’t address the fact he disobeyed and that disturbs me as a parent – but in the scheme of things that are serious issues like drugs, sex, deadly dangerous secrets – what disturbs me here is why and I’d ask him and work it out – this not a battle I’d choose with an adolescent. Peer pressure is strong at this age and this is a perfect opportunity to step in as an advocate. Having adversarial relationships with our kids because we are boss I don’t think is helpful. How would this boy feel if he doesn’t go, how will it affect his school relationships – that is important
At 15 a child has 3 years left of parental controls – this is not the time to force them to be secretive and defiant – it’s the time to help them work out solutions.
When my kids went to the junior proms we drove them and picked them up – senior was a bus – a cost they shared.
I learned that there are times that it’s ok for a parent to apologize and say they made a mistake or rethink a situation. this is one I’d choose and I’d let him go – but make him work for it earning the money and following curfews, and being driven.
creating a rebellious teen these days is a no-win situation for parents and kids
Since we’re discussing proms, this is a press release issued by Westchester County this week on general prom safety:
PROM AND GRADUATION SAFETY SUMMIT AIMED AT PARENTS
Westchester County Executive Andy Spano and Westchester County District Attorney Janet DiFiore invite parents, police and school administrators to spend an evening at the Westchester County Court House on Tuesday, April 29 from 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. for “Getting on the Same Page: What Every Parent Should Know About Prom and Graduation Parties.”
A panel of experts will answer questions and offer advice on steps parents can take to ensure their children’s safely during this year’s prom and graduation party season. Members of the Teen Drinking Action Council will present a public service announcement produced for their peers. School officials and police will discuss the steps they are taking to closely supervise proms, provide safe transportation and carry out alcohol compliance checks at local stores and alcohol distributors.
Parents will be provided with valuable information on how to conduct safe, alcohol free after prom and graduation parties in their homes, how to proactively prepare their children to face challenging peer situations and how to manage health and legal issues, should they arise.
“We are pleased to take this opportunity to promote safety and educate parents about the dangers of teen parties, underage drinking and drunk driving,” said Spano. “Taking the time to share this important information is a critical step toward keeping our kids safe.”
“This summit is part of our ongoing effort to increase awareness of the problems we in law enforcement typically face around this time each year,” said DiFiore. “We want parents, police and school administrators to be our partners in protecting the lives of our children in Westchester.”
Registration and a short reception will begin at 6:30 pm in the first floor atrium of the Richard J. Daronco Court House located at 111 Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd in White Plains.
The summit is being organized by the Westchester Coalition for Drug & Alcohol Free Youth.
I’ll come at this from another angle.
I think the boy needs to be taught that he shouldn’t commit to somebody if there’s a good chance he’ll have to leave her high and dry.
The girl invited him to the prom, his mother told him he couldn’t go, and he still accepted. At some point, he would have had to disobey his mother or leave the girl without a prom date at the last minute.
I agree that 15 is too young to go to a senior prom. There’s a huge gap between a 15-year-old and an 18-year-old in terms of how they can be expected to handle the exposure to things like alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. that can come from attending one of these prom extravaganzas. I think the boy’s mother was right to disallow it. I echo people who say it’s good to see a parent actually act like a parent, and not a child’s friend. You can have any number of friends in life, but only one set of parents.
the only thing that concerns me here (accepting that everyone has their own perspective) is that it seems it’s ok to apply general parenting rules across all situations
I find that upsetting being the parent of a 28 and a 26 year old and having lived through and survived the teen and early 20 years and have a constantly evolving relationship with my children.
Parenting and the style of parenting needs to be reassessed and developed as a child ages. In this case we know of a 15 year old, maybe closer to a 16 who Jorge thinks is a good kid and a senior – maybe 16 or 17 – not all seniors hit 18 until after senior year is over – so maybe a two or one and a half year difference
also these two obviously have a relationship already meaning they’re mixing in the school and social setting (not unusual) and the parents know each other and the girl’s mother knew about this
How old are your children Steve? Dave? have you lived personally through the teen years with your kids.
15-18-25 year olds are learning – socially – this was a dance, where they can be dropped off, picked up and parents volunteer to chaperone – so no parties afterward – obviously both sets of parents must know who their kids friends are and if they don’t there’s an issue (all the grades mix at high school level)
do you know that in NY State a doctor or clinic can give a virtual child birth control? parents have no say – and with this boy, you have maybe two years where you can tell him what to do –
the issue to me is and maybe it’s a mother vs. father issue, what kind of relationship do you want to have – win the battle or win the war – and the war being having a position in your child’s life where you can guide them and have them come to you free to know you’ll help them ‘function’ in their world – not your world
each situation with a child needs to be assessed differently and parenting fitting the situation – heck, even in the legal world one crime such as murder has different punishments depending on “INTENT” -
My eldest just became 13. i have 3 kids. From early on my kids have been raised with values i was raised with, without the same ,shall we say motivation applied to me.
I am a firm believer in discpline but the punishemnt must fit the crime. However, my dad taught ,e certain values, not in always the best way, but as i got older i understood what he tried to do and the lightbulb went over my head.
The issue today is kids have gotten DUMB. I blame society,parents and government. As i boy in brooklyn after a certain age i was allowed off the block. but expected home at a certain time. Did I disobey and do stupid things. absolutely thats the nature fo being a kid. when you got caught you paid the piper. With that said, I make sure my kids realize that i am teaching them exactly what i was taught but not 100% thesame way but the lesson and the value is important.
first and formost. No is No. period. no discussion. an explanation and thats it. maybe next time we will discuss but for now its No.
evolving relationship? absolutely as the child grows and learns it will evolve. But you are still the parent.
I see way to many kids back talk their parent,especially in public. I hear that crap and i flinch , knowing what would happen to me. My children also know that we are to respected. do the cross the line yea. do they get punish, depends on the crime if its an infraction then they will just get warned.
As for Rome raising my child. they cant even monitor the mayors and governors behavior. I am tired of ROME telling me how to raise my kid and what is expected of me. Go after the real bad parents and leave the rest of us alone. But that is too easy. CPS rather go after the good parents, its safer for them.
Mother vs Father? uh its a team thing. we are a united front. the second we find one of our kids playing Mom vs. Dad. The whole thing ends and the answer is NO and not only that but maybe they lose a game privilege. if we smell it coming, one of us will ask, what did the other one say? that usually breaks the poker face.
legal system? hah murders get off and a kid caught with a joint can get 25 years. lets not discuss ROME versus parenting. the key to parenting should always be. Honor thy parents. Even though growing up i, as so many kids did, uttered, I hate you.. to at least one of them. then later on I realized why the rule was there.. i always loved my parents, as for agreeing on how they raised us. it was the best they could do for the time. I for one scratched out the values instilled and found a different tactic for teaching. so far my wife and I have done a decent job, the compliments on our kids abound. (shock as it may be because we dont see it) so i guess we did something right. and no i wouldnt let me 15 year old go to a senior prom. first off a sophmore? maybe as a junior. MAYBE. but freshman sophmore… nope. the peer pressure to get the younger kid to do something tremendously stupid will be ON. and thats nothing a kid should go through. as a parent, you SHOULD visualize what WILL happen and protect him/her from that until they know not to follow through , even though they probably would later on anyway. (at least you held it off for a year)
Like i said in the beginning of my soapbox lecture. kids today have gotten stupid. if you are going to disobey be smart about it. but they arent and the fact that they stand up to a parent the way i see so many kids I shake my head. No way would i do that, and no way would my kid to that.
Be the parent. you may Not want to be the parent your parent was, but you know what??? we are all still here. and the toys we had grwing up are now being recalled because of studity. drawstring hooded shirts recalled due to choking hazzard??? unreal.
ok i’ll step down now. but just realize, each one of us achieves the goal for our children our own way. But the second i hear a kid bad mouth a parent and that parent doesnt shoot a glance. I wonder… unfortunately i see it here in rockland way to often. young kids 10 or so demanding something from the parent. all the parent sheepishly talks to the kid. on thos rare occasions usually my kid would be taken home and that ends whatever outing we are at.
ok next parent..
Steve, funny, I think the issue is not that kids have gotten dumb, in fact the ones I know are quite manipulative and brilliant – I find the issue is one of lack of personal responsibility in the parents and the kids.
It sounds like you and I were raised the same. And I firmly agree that the punishment should fit the crime and that we achieve the our goals for our children in our own ways.
Frankly, if a parent hasn’t imparted their values on their child by the time they’re fifteen,they’re fifteen years too late. My father ruled with is own philosophy and it kept us emotionally apart for years – yes I respected him, yes I feared him, and I feel a good deal of healthy fear prevents a lot of issues with kids, however, in my own experience when kids become teens each issue needs be handled on it’s own as well as each child.
In high school all ages mix – in between school periods, in sports, in the band, in clubs, in plays – everyone is together. So to think that attending one prom is going to expose this boy to unthinkable seductive choices he can’t control is ridiculous. He’s living it every day. As parents we have to help them make the right choices and this is just the tip of the iceberg.
My goal was always to have my children feel comfortable to come to me about what I consider life and death issues, drugs, diseases, not to have them think my reactions would be the same across the board – and thank God most of the time it’s worked. Late adolesence, early adulthood is a very confusing time and kids need practice for it in less dangerous arenas, such as high school. I would still let this boy go, after laying down the law that he would pay for it and be driven and picked up and probably volunteer as a chaperone. If all he’s lied about to his parents is this, they’ve done a great job raising himk – now, in my honest opinion, they need to be his advocate – and that doesn’t mean his friend, it means good parenting.
13 is not 16 is not 20 – I want to be the person my kids come to when they need help – not the person they fear, and good parenting is very hard work