Divorce and dads
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- May
- 3
One of the things that my divorce has accomplished for me is that it has created a very close bond with my son. That’s not to say he’s not equally attached to his mother. But, basically, we had a lot of time together when he was with me. I think that’s the nature of the circumstances that he was hurled into.
That’s kind of why I was intrigued when I came across “an article in Science Daily”:http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/01/080109094337.htm about a study out of Penn State. The study suggests that divorce widens the gap between fathers and their children, compared to mothers. I think that says quite a bit about custodial outcomes from divorces, and the fact that mothers are predominantly named the custodial parent.
But one of the more striking findings was that, prior to divorce, 71 percent of the youngsters interviewed for the study reported being very close to their mothers, but only 57 percent said they were very close to their fathers. So I wonder, do fathers who develop a close relationship with their children before a divorce do a better job of keeping that alive after a divorce? Or is it out of our hands?
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on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008 at 6:22 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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I think that in an intact family, some fathers tend to take a back seat to the mothers, and allow the mothers to manage their relationships with their children.
After a divorce, the father must manage the relationship on his own, and do things with his children on his own. Previously, he might have just hung around the house on the weekends, or done things that didn’t necessarily involve the kids, but once he has visitation rather than being there, the emphasis shifts more to the children.
In some cases, this will lead to a closer relationship with his children than existed before. But some of it depends upon the nature of the divorce. If the father’s visitation is highly restricted, or his estranged/ex wife gives him a very hard time about it, it could hurt his relationship with his children.
If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that most fathers who were raising their children inside a marriage, and then got divorced, probably have a much better track record of staying involved with their children after a divorce than do fathers who were never married to the children’s mother.
My dad was a semi hands off father. hhe was there for many things but never vocalized the good so much, though later on I found out how proud he was , of me.
In raising my kids with my wife, I take a much more active role, to the chagrin of my kids. Because they get the good and the bad
But its always a team effort, with the wife you must always has a united front in raising the kids.
I think it’s clear you’re both examples of involved dads, which is how it should be.
I agree with Steve that a marriage with children should be a team effort, however the duties are divided. I also agree with David’s point and think we’re on the same page: A divorce should increase a father’s involvement with their children by the mere nature of the circumstances.
But, as he also points out, much depends on the terms and nature of the divorce. Personally, I’ve always considered it cruel and reprehensible when one parent restricts another parent’s access —unless, of course, it’s warranted, as in the case of abusive parents, etc. But if it is done for merely vindictive reasons, it is unacceptable.
That aside, I think it’s on both parents to develop a close and attentive relationship with their child or children after a divorce—as well as before. I also think that, given the role of most fathers in a traditional marriage, a divorce can also serve as a wake-up call to fathers who may not have been as attentive before. Like Steve, my own father was as good a provider as he could be, and loved both me and my brother—in hindsight. It was simply hard to tell at the time, and is still a challenge to feel close to him emotionally. I vowed to be different with my son.