Comments on: Divorce and dads

By: Jorge Fitz-Gibbon

Jorge Fitz-Gibbon — Mon, 05 May 2008 15:11:43 +0000

I think it’s clear you’re both examples of involved dads, which is how it should be.
I agree with Steve that a marriage with children should be a team effort, however the duties are divided. I also agree with David’s point and think we’re on the same page: A divorce should increase a father’s involvement with their children by the mere nature of the circumstances.
But, as he also points out, much depends on the terms and nature of the divorce. Personally, I’ve always considered it cruel and reprehensible when one parent restricts another parent’s access —unless, of course, it’s warranted, as in the case of abusive parents, etc. But if it is done for merely vindictive reasons, it is unacceptable.
That aside, I think it’s on both parents to develop a close and attentive relationship with their child or children after a divorce—as well as before. I also think that, given the role of most fathers in a traditional marriage, a divorce can also serve as a wake-up call to fathers who may not have been as attentive before. Like Steve, my own father was as good a provider as he could be, and loved both me and my brother—in hindsight. It was simply hard to tell at the time, and is still a challenge to feel close to him emotionally. I vowed to be different with my son.

By: Steve C.

Steve C. — Mon, 05 May 2008 14:27:00 +0000

My dad was a semi hands off father. hhe was there for many things but never vocalized the good so much, though later on I found out how proud he was , of me.
In raising my kids with my wife, I take a much more active role, to the chagrin of my kids. Because they get the good and the bad
But its always a team effort, with the wife you must always has a united front in raising the kids.

By: David V.

David V. — Sun, 04 May 2008 01:49:49 +0000

I think that in an intact family, some fathers tend to take a back seat to the mothers, and allow the mothers to manage their relationships with their children.

After a divorce, the father must manage the relationship on his own, and do things with his children on his own. Previously, he might have just hung around the house on the weekends, or done things that didn’t necessarily involve the kids, but once he has visitation rather than being there, the emphasis shifts more to the children.

In some cases, this will lead to a closer relationship with his children than existed before. But some of it depends upon the nature of the divorce. If the father’s visitation is highly restricted, or his estranged/ex wife gives him a very hard time about it, it could hurt his relationship with his children.

If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that most fathers who were raising their children inside a marriage, and then got divorced, probably have a much better track record of staying involved with their children after a divorce than do fathers who were never married to the children’s mother.