Whatever happened to good manners?
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- May
- 12
I’m a little confused.
One of the things we have been adamant about teaching our boys is good manners. This is something my mom drilled into my brother and myself since we were young, and something I’ve always taught my own child. My girlfriend is the same with her boy, and we both insist on good table manners and polite behavior.
So why do I feel like we’re in the minority? It can’t be for lack of resources on this stuff. Five minutes online and I was able to track down several tip sheets and suggestions for teaching your children manners. Some of the better ones include this web page as well as this other site on the same topic. So what’s going on?
Let me back up. We had two experiences this weekend that make me wonder if young people aren’t being taught manners:
On Saturday, we had a four-year-old birthday party for my girlfriend’s son. When it was time for pizza one of the little boys decided he wanted another boy’s chair, and pretty much muscled him out of it. I get it: He’s only four. But the boy’s father just watched, made one half-hearted suggestion that he not be so pushy, then let it go. The other boy burst into tears. Poor parenting.
Then the following day, we went shopping at Target in Mount Kisco. We had to return some stuff, so went to the “customer service” counter. The young woman there puts out her hand for the receipt, turns her head to talk to someone else, then, when the receipt was in her hand, she immediately says she’s calling a manager because she doesn’t put up with customers being disrespectful. Huh? The manager comes, never apologizes and says he doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Meanwhile, the young woman glares, the manager sees nothing wrong with it and suggests we go on our way.
Two varying encounters, one basic problem. In the first, a four-year-old needs to be directed toward good behavior, and it’s up to the parent to ensure that happens. Children learn from role models. Neither my son nor my girlfriend’s son would ever be allowed to behave that way. In the second instance, it’s an example of someone being raised without manners — let alone professional courtesy a young person needs to succeed in any industry, primarily the retail service industry.
To me, this is something kids should learn before they apply for their first job, whatever that may be. I know plenty of single and divorced parents who instill this in their children — it’s not heavy lifting. And, in our own blended family, it’s the rule.
But am I making too much of this? Or am I right to wish that our boys encountered good manners outside the home as well?
This entry was posted
on Monday, May 12th, 2008 at 12:05 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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Jorge, you are very correct. there is a serious lack of manners. I too have drilled good manners into my kids and they know above all else they better be polite in public and to other people.
Oddly, we get nothing but compliments. I just wish they remembered more at home. I take all the wins I can, but as long as they are mostly well behaved and better behaved for others. I am pretty happy with them. The crap i see from other kids.. oh man. And I am one of those dad’s not shy to look at one of my kids friends oddly and go. excuse me??? and expect good manners from them .
I had a few parents actually thank me. sad huh?
It’s sad that more parents don’t do that, Steve.
One thing for me is that, while I’m well aware that I can point to a retail employees’ behavior and identify it to my son as something he shouldn’t do, I’d love to be able to point out more examples of proper and courteous behavior. I want him to know that good manners aren’t only in the home.
You’re 100% right, Jorge.
Lack of manners is an epidemic. Some of the worst manners involve cell phones. I think they have created an expectation that you can interrupt anybody at any time, and many people also seem to think that strangers around them want to hear their private conversations.
We have to fight back against bad manners. In a retail environment, don’t go to the stores that offer bad service and rudeness. If enough people did that, they’d get the message. I avoid Caldors for years when it was still in business for that reason.
Unfortunately, you’re in the minority, and most people have accepted bad manners from retail personnel, as well as others around them.
David;
I remember the old Caldor store. We used to go to the one on 119 in Elmsford pretty regularly. Target kind of replaced that. Personally, I’ve had some positive experiences with the floor staff at the Mount Kisco store. For some reason, though, the customer service staff was always lacking. But this one was through the roof.
Ultimately, you either shop or don’t shop at a place over something like that. The thing is, we also try to teach our boys to stand up for what’s right. So when they see rude behavior like that, I think it warrants a stand. Shouldn’t that be part of what they learn?
Stores have become the worst. first you have to find someone that admits they work there and work in that department. then deal with their attitude because you are asking them to do their job. When I was young and worked in a retail store. there wasnt anything at that store that wasnt my job. you were asked by a customer and either you did it or you found the person that could do it. Society today makes me sick.
As for cell phones. I love the peopel with it glued to their ear looking down and driving and when you almost get hit and honk at them they give you a dirty look “hey cant you see i am on the phone?” GGRRR.
Then of course you get to see cops on the phone too. thats always a joy.
I also insist on good manners in my house – to the complete embarrassment of my son when he has friends over. I do not allow cell phones in my dining room and you must remove your hat at the table. If his friends don’t like it they can go home and eat. I think it’s all about what you’re prepeared to put up with and what you’re not. When they walk in my door there are certain expectations. They know it ahead of time (except the poor soul who comes to my house for the first time…) But I have had several mothers comment to me that I can get their kids to eat stuff that they won’t eat at home. And I tell them that’s because my house is a home, not a restaurant. If you’re hungry, you’re eating what we’re all eating. No special orders. They are open to it when you suggest it to them – it just surprises me that other mothers put up with the “dinner order” routine. I have no time for that nonsense.
I like your approach, momanon. Our boys help set the table, help clean up, and eat what’s on their plate. They ask to be excused from the table before they get up, even if it’s just to pour another glass of milk and come back. It’s not rocket science. And while we do try to serve what everyone likes, they do need to eat their dinner. As for special orders, I agree with you: We serve what we serve.
Steve, I again agree with you. I worked retail all through high school and college, up until I joined the newspaper full time. Back then, we were all in customer service. I would’ve gotten fired for behaving the way this discourteous employee did at the Mount Kisco Target store. It sends a horrible message to your child to witness something like that — not to mention the customers whose patronage you need. I did email the Target corporate offices with my complaint. But you know how that goes: They’ll make their money either way, so who cares about one rude employee, right? It seems to be what we’ve come to.
Anyway, thank you both for reading.
momanon. my house as well. you eat what is on the table or tough. plus my kids are all at the age. of setting busing the tables.. washing and drying the dishes. And when they make me have to do it. they know they are in for it.
Good manners are swiftly becoming a thing of the past. Years ago, the stay at home Mom, children were drilled at proper behavior. Today, mothers have to work to help pay bills and kids are shuffled between daycare where manners are not a priority. Constant reminders to the very young child instill proper behavior and today, everyone is busy running somewhere.
Some parents leave the raising of their child to the schools and blame the school if their child is rude or misbehaving.
Emily Post is probably rolling over in her grave at the attitude of todays children !
I’m afraid you’re probably right, Jan — good manners appear to be disappearing. However, I do think it can be rectified if it’s made a focus at home. Today’s busier schedule, for both moms and dads, still leaves time for manners. I think insisting on good behavior is simply something that needs to be reinforced with children for whatever length of time parents are able to devote to their kids. Obviously, I wish we all had more time for parenting. But I think it’s about making good use of the time. Is it harder these days? Sure. We’re both exhausted by the time we get home and start our parenting routine. But I think it’s doable. At least that’s my two cents.
Anyway, thanks for reading!
Jorge – I think you’re right about what you said – yes, we’re all busy and exhausted. But the way I look at it, we work so that we have money to enjoy the rest of our lives. And to me, having well-mannered children is a flexibility thing. It means that I can take them ANYWHERE. I know people who never go to any halfway decent restaurant and haven’t gone to a movie theater in a few years because they can’t trust the behavior of their children. Is that any way to live? It makes it easier and less stressful in the long run to have a child that you can just put in the car, take them somewhere and not worry about it.
I’m with you momanon. And as for Jan’s comment – a display of poor manners is most certainly NOT linked to fewer stay-at-home mothers or more kids in day care. When my son was in day care, manners were taught and were insisted upon among the kids, as well as between the kids and the teachers. And my husband and I certainly continue to enforce good manners at home, and we both work. Sure, it would be good to have more time and not have to work, but that certainly doesn’t give anyone license to raise bratty children. And for the record, I know plenty of kids who have a stay-at-home parent and have no manners whatsoever.
I blame the parents. We were always a reflection of our parents. and be damned if someone had anything negative to say about you.
I see the difference between my kids and other people’s kids.
The kids who getaway with murder walk all over their parents.
Not my kids, I dont think so. and when their friends are at the house its my rules or there’s the door. If my kids tell me about things at other people’s house, I then decide if my child should ever hang at that kids house anymore.
No way my child will get in trouble because of some other kid.
I think this is a pervasive issue about lack of responsibility in the home, schools and work. I can’t believe the quality fo the people I’m working with who feel they don’t have to come in on time and there are no consequences. They leave early to do some little thing – it’s all about self, instant gratification and no accountability.
Schools are happy kids show up and do homework, (in their defense they have parents who rely on them to raise children for them), and the parents aren’t consistent and have no follow-through. That’s been my experience. I’ve disciplined other people’s children and have had thank yous and looks from them – but the comments just come out of my mouth (that’s my conditioning).
Jorge, to answer your original question, you’re not wrong to wish this – I think you just touched on a can of worms that spans all ages and all situations, home, work, school and social. We’ve become a society of mixed signals and no blame.