The sensitive dad
-
- June
- 27
I came across an excerpt on this issue on the home page of the Dr. Spock Company, a group of parenting and child care experts who subscribe to the philosophies of the late uber-pediatrician Dr. Benjamin Spock. Here’s what they wrote on this:
“Everything I’ve said about a mother raising a child alone applies to a father raising a child alone. But often there’s an additional problem. Few fathers in our society feel completely comfortable in a nurturing role. Many men have been brought up believing that being a nurturing person is “soft” and therefore feminine. So, many fathers will find it hard, at least at first, to provide the gentle comforting and cuddling that children need, especially young children. But, with time and experience, they can certainly rise to the task.”
Personally, I’ve never worried about societal stereotypes as a father, and changed plenty of diapers while I was still married. I’ve also always been very warm with my son, and we exchange “I love yous” on a regular basis — something I never got enough of from my own dad. But I have to wonder if I’d feel limited in what I could offer as a parent if I had a daughter. And, generally, I feel there’s more acceptance of a mom playing catch with her son than there is for a dad braiding his daughter’s hair.
The issue is somewhat moot for me now, since I am building a blended family and we have both a father and a mother figure in the house. But I know my girlfriend worried early on that her little boy lacked male role models, as his time with his father was limited. And as a divorced dad, it was something I dealt with when I was single. For instance, when boys reach a certain age their dads seem reluctant to hold their hands while they’re out: Moms do it as a matter of habit.
The wisdom of Dr. Spock suggests that, with time, dads can learn to provide the additional nurturing children need. But is there a line that even the most nurturing dads won’t cross, whether it’s holding hands with an older son or shopping for an American Doll with a daughter? And as for societal stereotypes, what is your reaction if you see a dad holding a 12-year-old son’s hand at the mall?
This entry was posted
on Friday, June 27th, 2008 at 9:38 am by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
Share and Enjoy: 
| 
Print
| 
Email
Jorge – great insights here. As a single dad, I see these stereotypes directed at me fairly often, mainly from schools, doctor offices, parents who may not know me very well. Other people are more accepting of my single dad role, like the parents on my daughter’s soccer team.
Speaking of which – she’s 16, and our relationship is great. I never braided her hair for her, but that’s okay, I related to her like a normal dad. But I also cooked her meals, ran the household, did laundry, performed other tasks dads tend to avoid. I was the parent who talked to her about sex; her mom wouldn’t go near the subject.
So I think my daughter got a look at fatherhood that some of her friends whose parents are married didn’t get. And while I don’t try to be a “hip” parent, I do boogie board and genuinely like bands like Tool, so her high school friends give me major thumbs up. That certainly helps her not be emabarrassed when I’m around.
dad; You bring a very good perspective to this issue, and make a valid point that your daughter had the benefit of a fully involved father that children in traditional homes often don’t have. It’s important to understand that the stereotypical role of mothers and fathers has necessarily changed, and clinging to those stereotypes is not only impractical, but unrealistic as well. The only flaw I found with your post here is that you failed to mention your own blog on this issue. You tackled the topic much more eloquently there than I did here. I’d highly recommend to my readers that they give it a read.
I doubt a 12-year-old would want to hold either his mother’s or father’s hand at the mall.
I think that while it’s good to break out of rigid gender stereotypes when it comes to parenting, we should remember that the father’s job is fundamentally different from the mother’s. A great father is usually a lousy mother, and vice versa.
Much of the talk about greater father involvement has centered on turning fathers into second mothers, which I think is a mistake. Kids don’t need 2 mothers (or 2 fathers for that matter); they need a mother AND a father. I think there’s a lot of flexibility in how those roles can be defined, but they are fundamentally different roles.
David;
Yours would seem to be the traditional view, which I understand. Still, I am curious what you would describe as the mother’s role and what you would describe as the father’s role. Is it the ball-playing in the yard versus the hair braiding? Or something more substantive?
Also, I think you overlook the basic point of my post: That single dads are forced into the more traditionally mothering roles because their kids don’t have a mother around. So that point, in particular, addresses the non-traditional situations a growing number of kids live in.
Jorge,
My son is 11 and I still hold his hand while we are out. I’ve never thought about it and probably won’t until he’s ready to let go. He is still clingy in many ways too. However I don’t make a big deal out it either way, meaning I don’t really encourage and I don’t push him away. My role as parent is to prepare him as much as I can so that when he lets go he can manage his life on his own.
It isn’t that I’m trying to fulfill both mother and father roles because I have learned that it isn’t possible. I have also learned that I don’t need to “turn him into a man” or worry about him being “soft”. He is a boy, his is going to become a man. There will come a point that he’ll create his own image and definition of what a man is, as probably the rest of us have done.
Jorge,
My view of a mother’s and father’s role is more substantive than who braid’s the child’s hair, as opposed to having a catch in the back yard.
I think every family can work out those details for themselves, so my view is not really traditional in the sense that I think it’s imperative that the mother cook every meal, or the father cook the grass.
While there is a broad range of typical male and female behavior, I think that the mother, as the female parent, is often more concerned with the child’s needs in the here and now, while the father tends to be more concerned about how the child will grow up. It is often the father who pushes to give the child a little more freedom, and dares the child to try something new. Things like that.
Even these roles can be reversed, but I think a child needs both of them. He/she needs both a present day nurturer, and a builder of the future, and usually, the mother puts greater emphasis than the father on the former role, while the reverse is true of the latter.
I didn’t miss your point about parents being forced into broader roles by the deterioration of our family structure. However, my point was a little different. I think we owe it to our children to do our best to provide them with the type of upbrining that they need, rather than try to rationalize raising them in a less than optimal way. I see too many people who have children outside committed relationships, without giving a thought to how the tenuous relationship with the other parent will impact their child’s life, both financially and emotionally. While we can force our children to adapt in some form or fashion to the absence or scarcity of a vital influence—one of their parents—I think it’s far better to acknowledge what children ideally need and try our best to arrange things so that it’s possible that they receive it. I realize it doesn’t always work out 100%, but for far too many people, that isn’t even a goal.
David;
Good post. In general, I think I agree with you. But you have to take into account that most of us didn’t choose to be in a situation where we had to play both roles. I’d like to hear from some of the single dads out there if they would prefer to have a mother-figure in the home as well. I think they’d all say yes in the perfect world. So, it’s more a matter of single dads making due with what they were dealt, and doing what we had to, even if it wasn’t the first option—and even if it’s seen as unfatherly by some. Personally, I think it’s ridiculous to have any stigma attached to that: I always played whatever role my son needed to be whole. I hope you’d agree. That’s where I, at least, come from as a single dad.
Computer dad;
Well put. My son is 10 and sometimes he still instinctively reaches for my hand when crossing a busy street. I don’t sweat it. I’m also the guy who got up early and cooked bacon for his breakfast at school (see my last post). I never saw any of that as motherly, just parental. And, yes, I agree: He will become a man and he will be his own man. Again, well put.
My earlier point was that there are traditional—and perhaps stereotyped—roles. I think that those lines are blurred because of the changing face of the typical family in our society, and are very much blurred for a single father who is, at least part-time, forced into those dual roles.
Thank you both for reading, and for the insightful input.
Jorge,
I think it’s good in a lot of ways that fathers have moved beyond the traditional father role. But as I said, I think it needs to be recognized that the father does have a job separate and distinct from the mother, and I do think that too much of the emphasis has been on making a father, in effect, a second mother rather than reinforcing the very necessary father role.
I saw an alarming article the other day that said that 38% of all babies born in the US today are born out of wedlock. The number has been going up for a long time, but was around 25% 15 years ago. At this rate of increase, in another 10-15 years, half of all babies born in the US will be born outside of marriage.
I think this can only mean a serious degredation in the social state of our society, overall, and that it’s a devastating trend. It is with that in my mind that I make some of the comments I have made. Within these high illegitimacy numbers lie the main reason for childhood poverty, the growing gap between the ‘haves’ and ‘havenots,’ the difference between good schools and bad ones, etc.
I recognize that sometimes people find themselves in a situation that they would not have chosen, but I think too many people are choosing it, or at least not taking the right steps to avoid it.
We have this mentality of looking at child-bearing and child-rearing from the point of view of the ‘right’ of the parent(s). I think this is totally wrong. I have an unmarried relative with no money or job skills who had a baby with a man whose name she doesn’t even know. She lives in squalor and poverty, and that is how her baby will grow up. Yet somebody we know said that she could understand her having the baby because “this is her last chance to have a child.” I think that reasoning is absurd. It’s as if having a child fulfills some type of ‘right,’ and whether you can raise the child properly (she most definitely can’t) is almost beside the point.
EDIT: I noticed a few typos in my previous post. I wish these blogs had an edit function.
All I can say, regardless of the Marital status, if you are the mother and the father. Then you MUST BE THE PARENT!
The other stuff is nonsense and as David V expressed will get worked out (who’s the better cook etc). I was raised to cook/clean/sew. SO I could live on my own and not need anyone. so when I found a woman that would put up with me, I wanted to be with her, not need her to tend to me. So As i generally say in threads of this nature once again: Just BE THE PARENT!
I think it’s interesting to see a slightly different reaction to this from single dads versus married dads. But, overall, I don’t think there’s that much actual disagreement here.
Steve, no one is disputing the notion that a parent, either a mom or dad, needs to be a parent, period. But there is a nuance being lost. No matter how the issue is viewed, there is a gap in a child’s life that a single parent has to fill, and some of those roles are defined differently. That was the point. It’s more about single parenting than pure gender.
As a single custodial parent of a 3 yr old boy, I find myself assuming whatever “role” is necessary for the development and well-being of my boy.
I never really thought about whether these roles were “mother or father centric”. They were and are things that I feel or know needs to be done due to the situation life has thrust upon us. Whether it’s doing household duties, holding hands, giving him a big hug and saying “I love you” around other people, or chasing him around the house to try and make sure his hair is brushed, the thought that such things might make me appear to be “feminine” or “soft” never enters the mind. As single parents I think we have so many things to be concerned about and deal with that allowing societal stereotypes to play any part in our lives is counter-productive and certainly not in the best interest of our kids.
As for what I think when I see a dad holding a 12 yr old’s hand, I see a parent.