Lost memories
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- July
- 22
There are only so many memorable moments in a child’s life, and only so many “firsts:” The first time mastering a two-wheeler, the first fireworks display, the first time on a plane, and so on. The hardest part of being a dual-custody parent is losing some of these moments. The child’s time — and thereby, his firsts — are routinely divided between the two parents.
My ex and I generally break even in that regard, since our custody situation is a 50-50 split. But how many moments have I lost out on? I got the first trip to Disney World and his first pro baseball game; She got his first trip overseas and, last month, his first visit to Niagara Falls, which, while it’s no Disney World, was a huge success with our son. And there are other, smaller moments that I’ve been able to share with him: I took him to his first rock concert and made it to his school talent show, where he played Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” on guitar. My ex has her share of those moments she was able to share with him.
This whole concept came up on our recent vacation, when my girlfriend stood back and observed as her little boy, clutched to her own mother, watched the July 4th fireworks display overhead down in the Carolinas. At 4, it wasn’t his first view of fireworks, but it was certainly a memorable moment. He covered his ears and looked up with a mixture of wonderment and fear. She later told me that she was hit with the notion in that instance that she was missing that moment, so she walked over to her mom and asked to hold her boy. She both soothed him and shared the display with him for the remainder of the show. It was a shared moment she’ll certainly remember, as will he. And it made us think of the firsts and the moments we’ll inevitably miss with both our boys.
Ultimately, the boys benefit from having the experience at all, whether it’s with their mom or their dad. That’s comforting. But it carries a tinge of sadness, that there are times when we won’t be the ones to share the memory. It makes me hope that those parents out there who share all those moment appreciate the value of it.
For me, there’s no doubt how much it’s worth.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 3:04 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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One of my favorite quotes is “Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.” ~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family. They are words I try to live by and ensure that each “deposit” is one my son will look back on with fondness.
Although I have custody of my 3 yr old with his mother having 3 days a week and 2 overnights, I relate to your sadness in knowing that we will inevitably miss out on some of our children’s “firsts”...not just for ourselves but for the memories that our children will carry with them.
What really tears my heart out is when his mother and I do the dropoffs and pickups for visitations. Many times our son will want to hold each of our hands at the same time for something simple as walking around the driveway. He finds such joy in those brief moments that I can’t help wondering how much more joy he could have had if he we were still an “intact” family.
Thanks for the post—and for the Swindoll quote. I do remember when my son was younger and how he struggled with the separation his mom and I had gone through. There came a point where he accepted, at least on the surface, that his parents would be apart. We’ve been able to share moments with him since, such as trick-or-treating every year together. But it is an adjustment for children in that situation, and I suppose you can only rescue as many memories for him as you can. All one can do is make as many deposits as we can manage.