The discipline game
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- August
- 12
How many shared-custody situations are out there where the child prefers one parent’s home to the other because “it’s more fun?” Particularly for younger children, this usually means that one parent’s home is all about play and the other involves actual parenting — rules and restrictions and doctor visits and doing homework.
I can think of several single- and divorced-parent situations where this is the case. In one friend’s case, the dad’s house has tons of toys and the child is routinely treated to milk shakes, donuts and sweets, and is allowed to fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Because the dad routinely has the child on weekends, there are few situations where the child has to be woken up early, dressed and prepared for school. The child gets up when the child gets up, and then it’s usually a day of fun in the sun.
Then there’s the mom. She has to get the child to school, has to be more conscious of dietary needs and is constantly trying to include vegetables and protein in meals. There are plenty of toys and play time, but with school, doctor visits and other utilitarian tasks built in, it pales in comparison to the nearly limitless play time at dad’s house. The end result is the parent trying to do the right thing for the child is the “less fun” parent, and has to regularly hear her child ask to go to daddy’s house.
She’s not alone. Another friend’s teenagers see their dad’s house as a refuge and a “safe place” when the mom tries to set curfews and limits on this or that. She’s forced to instill discipline. The end result is that one of her teens finally moved in with dad, who has provided little financial support for his children’s needs and close to no emotional support. The teen now lives with few rules.
And this is gender neutral. I’m highlighting two of the situations I know of personally, but I — of all people — don’t want to sound like I’m beating up the dads. I had friends in a single-parents group I once belonged to who were dads in similar situations. One dad who lives in the Carolinas was raising his children almost entirely on his own, carting them to school, tutors and the doctor while constantly hearing from them how mom never made them do these things. The mom primarily showed up to blame the dad when there was a problem at school. He, like my two other friends, have been forced to do the hardest thing of all: Keep quiet. They refuse, to their credit, to set the record straight for the children. They refuse to put the kids in the middle. They shouldn’t.
But what does one tell a parent in that situation? My advice has been to keep doing the right thing and ultimately the child will appreciate it — or at least one can hope so. The pessimist in me realizes that poetic justice only happens in plays and novels, not in real life. My more optimistic side clings to the notion that good intentions and actions are ultimately rewarded, if not with appreciation then certainly with the satisfaction of knowing you made your child a better and healthier person in the end.
Because it would just be nice to know that it’s a game where there are no real losers.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, August 12th, 2008 at 3:17 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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Weekends are more fun than weekdays, whether a child’s parents are divorced or not. So it only stands to reason that the parent who has weekend visitation, as opposed to custody during the week, will be perceived as the more ‘fun’ parent.
Much of how the situation plays out depends upon how cooperative the parents are with each other after their divorce. If they’re hostile, the weekend parent (usually dad) will often try to outbid the morther for the children’s affection, and he has a strong position to do that since he has them on days when they don’t have to go to school. I think the term is “Disneyland Dad.”
I’d say, though, that even in intact families, the father is much more the ‘fun’ parent, the special occasion parent, as opposed to the mother, who is more often there day by day. Divorce probably accentuates this tendency, but I think it’s there in most homes even when the parents remain married. It’s a function mostly of the different parenting roles that males assume as opposed to females. Children naturally go to their fathers for certain things and their mothers for others.
David;
I agree wholeheartedly that it depends on how cooperative the parents are with each other. It is at least the hope that both parents in a divorced or divided family will share duties and the more difficult tasks. I also agree that these issues can surface in traditional homes. But I think a child in a divided or divorced family is more likely to be in this position, particularly in situations where one parent uses it as a tool to become the favorite parent. While it is in many ways a natural tendency to want to be liked by your children—particularly in a divided home—it also places the other parent in an unfair and difficult position, and ultimately robs the child of equal and well-founded affection and appreciation for both parents. I think there is a significant difference between that situation and the varying roles that parents play in a traditional home.
But that’s just my two cents. Thanks for the input, which is, as always, greatly appreciated for its insight.
Jorge,
Part of the issue is the psychology of children, which is somewhat beyond the control of either parent.
Assuming that they love both parents, children tend to pine after the parent they see less, and take for granted the one they see nearly every day. So if the mother has primary custody, she will be the parent who is taken for granted in a lot of cases.
The only way I can see to have equal sharing of parental duties is for the non-custodial parent to have more time with the child. Disneyland dads may be seen in a different light by their kids if they actually had to get the kids out to school on certain days, or perform other more mundane parenting duties.
I think more important than dividing up responsibilities from the parents’ point of view is for the child to receive mothering and fathering. I firmly believe that these are two different jobs, and that if either parent abdicates their responsibilities in order to become more popular than the other parent, the child loses out. That’s a lot more important than a 50-50 split of unfun duties like taking the kids to doctor’s appointments or getting them off to school.
And let’s face it—you can’t have it both ways. If you fought for primary custody and have the children most of the time, then you can’t complain when you also have most of the work.
The issue is all about “being the parent”.
whether married,divorced,custody, doesnt matter. Both parents have to realize both have to be the parent …
This is why kids today have issues with respect.
My wife and I do what we can, we still get some back talk but you know what, our kids are ok.
Too many parents are, well I have to give the child space… what?! only when they are 18 and maybe not living at home.
and by 18 if the kid doesnt show people respect well there you go…
just my 3 cents..
Steve C.
David;
I agree with what you say, particularly about the main-custody parent being taken for granted more often. And, certainly, the Disneyland Dad—or the Mega-fun Mom—would be viewed differently if they had to assume more utilitarian duties. That was one of the points I hoped to make in my post. I do disagree somewhat in your dismissal of the notion of 50-50 split in those duties. I think, given the situation divided families make, it is an obvious remedy to the issue.
Steve;
I also agree with you in terms of the respect factor. I think it’s something of a side issue here. And while I agree that the issue of “being a parent” transcends marital status, I think there is a uniqueness to divided and divorced families in regard to this issue. It makes providing equal doses of mothering and fathering roles significantly more difficult, hence my addressing it. But there are, of course, some core issues at play, as you’ve addressed here.
Thank you both for reading and providing your two, three and four cents. They are always appreciated.
Jorge, great post. I’m a single dad with 50/50 custoday – half the week and alternating weekends. So the recipe is there for my ex and I have to equal influence on the kids. She runs a house that is more “fun” than mine. She has more big toys for them – trampoline, tree house, Wii and Playstation games. She takes more of the fun kind of trips – skiing, international adventures, etc. She can do this partly because with a lower mortgage and a boyfriend in the picture, she has more disposable income than me. But also – I simply appreciate different things in life.
Going to the beach with mom? Bring money to hit the boardwalk! Going to the beach with dad? Get set to boogie board and body surf for free. Hanging out at home with mom? Buy the newest Wii game and play it! Hanging out at home with dad? Read a book, play in the yard, call up a friend.
I don’t feel I’m depriving my kids of anything, rather I’m letting them know you can enjoy life simply by being present to your surroundings and to the moment. The best things in life are sometimes free. My kids are teens now, and we sometimes talk about these things. They get it. But they also get their mom. They like being at both houses.
Thanks for the post, dad. You, my friend, are a responsible dad—and a responsible ex. That’s the way it should work. And your point is well-taken. Likewise, my son enjoys his time with me for different reasons than he enjoys his time with his mom. But the point is he enjoys both, and has to follow rules with both parents. It does also help when kids are older.