The little bully
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- September
- 8
I wanted to beat up a 3-year-old this weekend. And boy, would he have had it coming.
Frankly, I would’ve been okay with my girlfriend’s 4-year-old taking the kid out. But that’s where she and I differed, and where it makes for an interesting discussion on bullying. It’s been on my mind lately anyway, since my 10-year-old son is now in middle school. In our district, the middle school is grades 6-8, and since he’s the youngest in his grade because of his late-November birthday, he’s also one of the smallest kids in the new school. So, it’s been on my mind.
Back to the weekend: Our blended family was out and about in the sunshine yesterday, and took time out to hit the playground at Croton Point Park. All is going well, until a 3-year-old boy (I’m guessing on the age) punches my son in the stomach. Now, he’s bigger, so he just laughed it off and let it go. But then the kid punches my girlfriend’s 4-year-old in the gut — three times over the span of maybe 5 minutes or so. Hmm.
So, our boy runs back and complains that the kid kept hitting him. One point: Our little guy is amazingly strong for his age. He has remarkable arm strength for a kid his age, and is big for his age. However, he’s also very, very mild mannered. In other words, he has the strength to be a bully, but nowhere near the demeanor. Therefore, he keeps trying to go back to the play ground but runs back in fear each time the little bully kid starts running towards him.
At one point the bully kid actually pulls down his pants and urinates on the playground equipment as if it was second nature. No, there was no sign of a parent. Anyway, my girlfriend takes matters into her own hands. She walks over, does official introductions for her son and the bully kid. They shake hands, and off they go to play like old buddies — until the smaller boy kicks our boy in the face.
My 10-year-old offered to take the little bully out, but, of course, we’re not going there. Now here’s where my girlfriend and I differed: Her solution was to just leave and to congratulate her son for not hitting back. I also commended him, but felt that, at that stage, we should have instructed our 4-year-old to, A) Tell the bully kid to stop and, B) If he didn’t stop, to clock him in the head. That’s me.
Years ago, when my son was in pre-K, he had a bigger kid push him around regularly. The kid was bigger and the staff at the place did little about it. I complained several times, and finally told them after a few weeks that if it happened again I would instruct my son to defend himself. They said they would do something. Needless to say, it happened again. My son got pushed down, got up and clocked the kid in the nose. The bigger kid went down, started crying and ran away. They ended up being friends after that.
Is that the best option? Maybe not. I saw it as a last resort. And I’m not sure how I’d handle it if he has a similar problem in middle school this year. My fingers are crossed that it doesn’t happen.
With my girlfriend’s 4-year-old, there’s another component: He is, as I said, a very strong kid, and we don’t want him to hurt anyone and we don’t want him to learn to solve his conflicts with his fists. But isn’t there a breaking point, where he should learn to stand his ground? When is that point?
This entry was posted
on Monday, September 8th, 2008 at 12:26 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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Jorge
this is a tricky one! When my son was younger, some kid was bullying other kids on the playgrond equipment. My son is not shy, and kept asking him to stop. When he wouldn’t, my son came and got me. I went over and asked the kid “do you think you can play without being mean to other kids?” He considered my question, then said “yes.” He didn’t bother anyone after that.
I think if I’d told him to stop, he might have been defiant and kept doing it. But by asking him if he was capable, he actualized his own good behavior.
I’m not saying it will always work like that, but it worked that time for me!
David
After the first punch has been thrown and a warning given, that 3 year old would have had issues.
Forget the kid getting near my daughter, my boys better have stopped the kid long before that tidbit happened…
I believe in defending oneself. not being is a bully is important i wont stand for my kids to be bullies/ But defenders, well at that point i would stand behind what they had to do.
Thats just me..
Self-advocacy can be mutually exclusive from physical conflict resolution, but it is a hard, slow process. You can teach your child to proclaim loudly that someone has done something wrong to them and that they want this activity stopped. You can use lines like “Stop doing that, it’s mean!” and “I don’t like that!” and “I am going to tell on you if you do it again.” We don’t want the kids to resort to violence because that is more likely to escalate into a much worse situation (we have all heard about the smaller boy who accidentally killed the other child with a baseball bat). At the same time, we need them to be assertive to protect them from becoming a victim. Bullies will predominantly pick only on children who are not good at defending themselves.
Also, let your child know that you have their back. If you see this happening, you should also get involved. Let your child see you asking the bully where his/her parents are and go talk to them about it. Let your child know they are supported.
Keep your expectations about a time frame realistic. Don’t expect your child to change in a week, month or even necessarily a year. Just keep working with them until they get. Practice with scenarios at home.
Lastly, do a quick evaluation of the “bully” if you can. Make sure that he/she does not have any signs of abuse.
At the play ground where we live there’s a little girl about 3 that lives right next to it. I’m guessing that she believes that the playground is her property since it’s right at her back yard. The kid is an extreme bully and even goes after kids that are just minding their own business. I’ve seen it happen to other children but last week she pushed my 2 year old off the swing to the ground, hit him and jumped on the swing herself. My 2 year old is bigger than her, but still a 2 year old and had no idea of what was going on, shocked and in tears. My reaction was to yell “hey, hey hey!” “There is absolutely no pushing and hitting at the play ground! Where are your parents?” She was with a teen age aunt, that was texting on her IPhone. I asked her to please keep an eye on the little girl and tell her to play nicely. They left. Fine by me. In general kids need to resolve their own issues, but in extreme cases, jump in.
Jorge, I swing both ways on this one. I know exactly how you feel, having been there myself.
When my daughter was three a bully pulled her off the slide at Harbor Island. She stood there and cried. I cried inside.
When she was at the doctor’s office a kid yanked a toy away from her, and she let him and the mother laughed. My daughter came to me. I told her to go get it back and she pulled it out of his hands, knocking him down. His mother got upset with me.
Another mother didn’t care when her son knocked my boy down a flight of marble stairs at school and hurt his spine when he was six. She laughed. I told my son to go to school and knock him down the stairs and I’d buy him a toy. He did it and the kid cried to his mother who yelled at me. I smiled back.
but that wasn’t smart; I reacted out of anger when I saw the huge welts on my son’s back (thank God he didn’t crack his head on the marble) – I wouldn’t do it again though
My son was tall but very thin – a wonderful target for bullies. My daughter was strong and large for her age but mellow.
what did I do to control my frustrations at the lack of parenting, nasty children, and absent parents – I sent my kids both to karate
I did learn from experience as they got older, that so many of the kids that are bullies are emotionally disturbed. Some parents abused them, didn’t care, and there was in fact no controlling them, no matter how young they were.
We can never know what goes on in someone elses home and what kids are experiencing.
That being said. Given the rules of behavior at school and dangers of having a ‘school record’ or ‘police record’ if they fight back, I now know what I did was right – karate was the answer. My daughter is still studying at 29 years old and my son studied for years. They studied Tae Kwon Do and Kenpo styles. Other kids were beaten up at school, some in high school were beaten up by gangs of wonderful, educated, wealthy, Larchmont kids. Kids are kids, and the reality is the weak get preyed upon.
Children need to learn how to defend themselves and karate first teaches to run away, then block and, lastly, to fight when you have to. And, believe me, the kids in school knew not to mess with either of mine after they put several in head locks. No blood, no damage. Just respect.
You know, kids that are emotionally disturbed, kids with AIDS, kids with hep C are in school, and they’re all ages. They are sharing the same playgrounds, so hitting and drawing blood are dangerous. I worked in the schools and saw five year olds bash other five year olds heads into the concrete of the playground because their parents were beating them. You just don’t know what kind of mind you’re dealing with.
Send your step son to learn the skills he’ll use for life. I always believed that it was useless to have an education if you couldn’t defend yourself. That doesn’t mean hurting someone or being a bully of course, it means having self confidence and the skill to avoid being hurt. Karate does that. Now is a good age to start.
I also think that karate would be a good thing to learn for protection. There are way to many bullies out there i had had a couple problems with kids and my son at school because he is so small. Hes like 7 and at like 43pounds doesnt way very much/ I enjoyed reading your blog and i hope things are going good for you and your family god bless.