The working-parent dilemma….and a single-mom victim of it
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- October
- 15
Don’t people work? You would assume with all the working parents out there and the growing number of single parents around that you’d find more after-school activities for your kids that accommodate a busy work schedule. But try to find a broad range of after-school activities that fit that criteria and see what happens.
My girlfriend recently got an education in this. She sought new weeknight activities for her energetic 4-year-old, only to find that many after school programs run roughly from 2 to 5 in the afternoon — hardly designed for working parents. He already plays soccer on weekends, but extensive weekend activities are difficult because she splits those days with her ex as part of the custody agreement. So, a weeknight activity was the goal. She ultimately settled on a gymnastics program that runs from 6:30 to 7:30 once a week. She would have preferred something a tad earlier in the evening that fit both her schedule and met her desired goals for a program. And this place is hardly around the corner from our home. But she was lucky: It’s a good program despite the long day it results in.
I had a minor taste of this myself with my son. He’s in sixth grade now and, as he did last year, he plays the saxophone in the school band. Also like last year, he was invited to join the jazz band, which practices after school. Normally, there’s a late bus to take him right to his after-school program. Only that doesn’t start until the end of this month, which means that either his mom or I would have to pick him up by 4:15 p.m. or he takes the early bus and misses band practice. Well, we have jobs.
The end of the world? Not by a stretch, especially with what’s going on in the world these days. But if you’re a working parent who wants an active, involved kid, it’s certainly frustrating — and occasionally unfair. It’s also proving costly for at least one single mom.
Here’s her story: Seeking a martial arts program for her young child, this working single mom signed up for a late class in Pleasantville, N.Y. The child has auditory processing delays, so he is occasionally unable to follow some verbal commands. She met with the martial arts instructor, explained this and was assured that the classes would be small in size — no more than five kids — and that his teaching method was designed to accommodate children with mild to moderate development issues. He required a contract and would not accept cash or checks: Only a credit card number. So, they were off.
Well, the class quickly rose from three kids to 12, and the teaching method changed by the second class, with the instructor suddenly facing away from the children and using increasingly complicated commands, moves and sequences that the kids were require to quickly learn and replicate. Needless to say, the single mom’s child was unable to keep up. It became a very frustrating and difficult process, and was certainly not going to build up the self-esteem she felt her child needed and would gain from the classes. So, she phoned and told the instructor she would no longer be able to attend because her child would have difficulty continuing, coupled with a change in her work schedule that made attending the classes on time very difficult. She said she received a follow-up online newsletter from the instructor, and thanked him for it but reiterated that the child could not continue.
This particular martial arts program stipulates that you must give notice if the contract is to be terminated. Nonetheless, the instructor billed the mom for an entire first month of lessons two weeks later, although her child only attended three classes. To make matters worse, when she politely asked if he could halt the billing, he mailed her a statement announcing his intent to bill her more than $700 for a three-month set of classes which she initially signed up for but, as he was now aware, the child would not be attending — not to mention that he had already billed her for an entire month’s worth of classes for just three actual sessions.
This borders on criminal. Obviously, the mom needs to take action to halt payment and report the school for misrepresentation or even fraud. But I think what irked her most — and what most bothers me about it — is the idea that she is being taken advantage of, if not outright being robbed. She had limited options for martial arts programs because of her work schedule and her child’s developmental needs. And, as a single mom, she is limited financially as well, and plopping down that much money is an indication of the sacrifice she was willing to make for her child’s wellbeing and happiness. And then this.
It doesn’t help when your schedule as a working single parent limits the extra-curricular activities you can treat your kid to in the first place. It helps even less when someone finds a way to make an extra buck from it.
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, October 15th, 2008 at 4:01 pm by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon.
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Category: Activities, Blended families, Childcare, Developmental issues, Economics, Emotions, Family, Growing, Learning, Money, Motherhood, Parenting, Playing, Preschoolers, Single parents, Sports, Working parents
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Being a working parent – single or not – is really a struggle, particularly when you’re dealing with your child’s extracurricular activities. My fifth-grade son also plays in the school band and I just hung up from speaking with his after-school program’s director, because I just shaved his five-day-a-week attendance down to three days a week. But I did that while biting my nails, because now I have to be sure that someone – me, my father,my husband or my elder son, will be able to pick him up two days a week. I feel like I just threw my safety net away for two days each week, even though it really doesn’t make sense for me to pay for the after-school care that he won’t get when he’s at band practice. It’s a struggle, to be sure.
And to hear that someone is trying to profit on that kind of dilemma is just horrific. I hope your single mom friend sticks it to that martial arts school in Pleasantville – please encourage her, so that she doesn’t just give in. I could understand why she might be tempted to give up, but she just can’t.
Not sure I agree.
The martial arts school is running a business. They only have so many slots to sell for a session. If somebody drops out in the middle of a session, that’s a slot they could have sold to somebody else in the beginning, but can’t sell in the middle.
People make their own choices in life, and have to make their own arrangements. It’s not the martial arts school’s fault if the mother was unable to follow through on the commitment that she made. Nor is it their fault that other kids had parents that could provide more support to their kids than she could to hers.
I probably answered too quickly before. The school is pushing this thing pretty hard, and she should push back, particularly since they appear to have misrepresented the program.
The misrepresentation of the program is kind of the point for me, David. The mom was very cautious in explaining her child’s needs to the instructor. He was very clear that the program would fit the child’s needs, and was very clear on the size of the class, which was a significant factor in the kid being able to participate. Once the contract was signed the circumstance turned out to be very different.
Even so, the contract stipulates that a parent can terminate the contract and their participation in the program by notifying the school. The parent did, first by telephone and then in a series of emails. Nonetheless, the instructor still charged the mom for the full $125 fee for the first month—which the mom will concede, despite her son only participating in a few classes. The really outrageous part is that he then told her he intends to charge the entire six-month fee of more than $700 despite her now-repeated notification that she will not be able to continue.
Business or not, the man misrepresented himself, his program and had engaged in nothing short of thievery. In fact, it strikes me as a pretty shoddy way to run a business. If word-of-mouth endorsements are a valuable tool to recruit new students, this guy failed horribly. I certainly wouldn’t enlist my son in this school and will recommend against this program for any parent that asks—and parents do often ask each other for suggestions on varying programs for their kids. So, poor behavior by a poor businessman.
Also, that story was in the general context of the difficulty working parents face in scheduling after-school and extracurricular activities for their children. As Tangie points out, this difficulty is clearly not limited to single parents. And I think scheduling limitations for working parents limits the options they have, and can lead to the wrong program, as this case demonstrates. I agree with your follow-up assessment that she needs to push back.
So, while I agree in principle with your initial statement that “people make their own choices in life, and have to make their own arrangements,” I think that overlooks the fact that many working parents—and I contend single parents in particular—have limited choices and have to stretch budgets, schedules and lifestyles to “make their own arrangements.” That’s kind of my point in the first place.
Jorge, I have to say, after spending years of driving my kids around that all parents regardless of being single are stretching budgets to put food on the table and gas in the car. I belive in karate classes for all children. ADD children, CAP children need different teaching and can not always learn with other children, that’s the way it is.
There are auditory trainers that the teacher could be made aware of and use too and as a parent of a child with an auditory figure ground hearing loss – I can tell you that trying to have the world change to fit your disable child doesn’t always help. The child has to change to fit the world and parents need realistic expectations.
in this case, clearly re the contractual issue – take the man to small claims court if the wording is as she says it is
I would suggest if she’s spending that kind of money find a private teacher – that’s extraordinary – but I know choices are limited though in karate most schools have the same schedules and kids go on Sat.
Parents have to make lots of sacrifices to educate/socialize their children and I dont’ know of any that haven’t worn holes in their shoes to give their kids tutoring, classes, experience on the ballfields.
I’d love to talk with any mother with a CAP child because I learned a lot about the options to help them having lived it, and have helped lots of kids received the correct remediation to help. In any case, as you can tell this is something near and dear to me since I had a child labelled under section 504 and changed jobs, and did what I had to to be there for them. It’s very hard raising children today and no parent has it easy, single or not. We make our choices and move heave and earth to live with them.
Gina;
Thanks for the input. I don’t believe I’ve disagreed with the notion that all parents, single or not, do what they need for their kids and go the extra mile for their kids. We’re obviously all stretching budgets these days. Not sure where I said otherwise. I do believe there are additional burdens placed on single-parent homes, and that seems like something that you and David differ with me on. That’s fine.
But I am a little taken aback by the reaction to this mom’s story. I was particularly surprised by your comment that “trying to have the world change to fit your disable child doesn’t always help. The child has to change to fit the world and parents need realistic expectations.”
It’s not that I disagree with that notion at all. It’s just unsettling that this is the message that you would draw from this particular mom’s story. Do you really and sincerely believe, from what we know of her story, that she was seeking “to change the world to fit her child’s needs,” and that she had “unrealistic expectations?” That’s an odd inference to draw based on the circumstances as I’ve relayed them. It seems to slant towards a conclusion that “she got what she deserved.” That troubles me.
sorry that I made it sound that way Jorge, in no way am I saying she got what she deserved – in fact my heart is with all parents of children with any disability
having a child with a disability is at times like living in a different world and when the child is young parents are under a lot of stress that’s added stress other parents do not have
I think that in the karate classes it is unrealistic to put a child with attention and brain processing issues in with children that don’t have them – this is speaking from my own experiences and those of many others I know with special education students with CAP and ADD problems.
These children with attention issues caused by whatever have historically needed special groups created for them so they can be taught in ways that work for them. Mothers need to get together to do that.
From what I’m reading Jorge, this child would benefit from an FM trainer, more individualized tutoring to set that up and work with a karate instructor. If he wants to pursue that. This type of child will have problems in any organized sport at school, baseball, basketball, soccer, anything, so having realistic views of what his brain is capable of, the most comprehensive testings with the right professionals (yes expensive but can be worked out at clinics) makes the total difference in brain development.
this just struck a nerve with me because I’ve lived what she’s going through, and learned how to navigate a lot. And parents of special needs children need other parents to support them
Gina;
Thanks for the reply. From what I know of this child, I think perhaps karate was a bit adventurous, but there was a desire by the mom to have an activity that included social inclusiveness. Sounds like it might have worked, at least as first described by the instructor.
But I don’t want to get lost in the wrong point, and I’ve already done that something of a disservice. I would like to hear more on what you personally have gone through and the lessons you’ve learned. I would love to put together a post on parents of special-needs kids, and I’ve learned enough to know that those needs can vary greatly from severe disorders to mild developmental delays—all of which present special challenges for parents.
I do think the mom in my story is going through some of the lessons you might have already learned, and this experience with the martial arts guy was a learning experience in and of itself. Certainly, her heart and head seem to have been in the right place, as yours very obviously always is when it comes to your children.
The Key is not to go to a McDonalds or Burger King martial Arts school. Its important to go to a much smaller school.
Unfortunately the Tiger Schulman’s of the world tend to rope people in..
Find a small local studio.
Steve, I’ve gone out of my way (to the point of threatening my job) to help parents of special needs children because of the emotional stress that we live with. Having one special needs child, one not special needs, working in the field and studying all I could to understand – and having many many friends with special needs kids, I have learned to
1. develop a realistic expectation of what my child could do (based on private testings at great universities)
2. never trust that the tests done by a school are number 1, adequate, number 2, all inclusive, number 3 truthful—a school and it’s service providers are not always on the same page, I’ve seen reports changed and children shuffled into programs they didn’t belong in
3. to do all you can to see private tutors and sell your soul to do it
why
because the child’s brain is growing, changing, and needs to be constantly reassessed and tested properly
example: my son had a 133 IQ at 5 and 10 – he had an auditory figure ground hearing loss which meant he only heard your words with 35% accuracy when there was ANY background noises (tv set, air conditioner, fan, playground, lunchroom)—fights happened in school from miscommunications, he seemed to have ADD but didn’t
now, his ears heard at minus 10 decibles (like a cat) but his brain didn’t process sound right – this was discovered by testing at St. Johns by a woman with a Ph.D. in speech and Ph.D. in audiology—
she administered tests and subtests until we understood exactly what was wrong
and guess what—no ADD like the school thought on observation only—and his language was in the toilet – he never heard it normally
so I hired private tutors in language – first oral then written, and my son went up to high school English in fifth grade
he also had a visual issue – and still does – it’s visual/spatial – it showed up in his copying from right to left, reading right to left on a page – and I took him to Mark Grossman, a developmental optometrist who gave him exercises for his eyes that helped scanning (he used to write on one side of a page and couldn’t hold a stick in karate because he didn’t know where the back end of it was!)
anyway – several years later at 16 he was tested for IQ again and it was 144 – he aced his English SATs and needed to take the tests in a quiet room (which meant no fan or air conditioner so he could hear the essay being read) – his IQ changed when his brain retrained itself and he used his eyes and hands and ears and brain together –
living with a learning disabled child is a process – it’s like weeding a garden and everytime you find a weed and pull it out a new one grows, the trick is to be actively involved learning all you can and getting advocates to attend the CSE meetings so you don’t get lumped in a category
CAP and ADD are very general – I want to know more about my child and test frequently and pay for it so that there is no vested interest in the diagnosis as some schools or programs have.
And any school that gives a child speech therapy without giving them a good hearing test in a sound proof booth is criminal –
the only way parents learn is by other parents and by talking with experienced professionals not involved with their school system (I am jaded about schools with good reason and experience)
Feel free to contact me and I’ll be happy to talk about all I’ve been through with my son.
You should tell this mother to get a group together if she can and approach a karate teacher – this one was obviously a dolt, love to know his name, it’s a small world. There are many good ones.
Jorge, a test for you—do you know what an FM trainer is?
http://lshss.asha.org/cgi/content/abstract/22/3/111
here’s a good article on them –
I have to say that the goal of any parent is to give their child the skills to survive in this world and be happy and independent people. Having a child with special needs sometimes, in my case, put him at an advantage. You see, when he was a teenager he knew his strengths and weaknesses. That’s what you have to stress to a child with a disability – what they can do. These children need to be taught how to seek help. They become masters at it if you coach them right and they’re ahead of the game in many ways.
CAP, ADD, language disabilities affect all aspects of life and relationships. Kids need to learn how to cope and how to modify themselves to fit in – hence the balancing act for parents. But! knowing the weaknesses makes a parent more involved in their child’s social/language development than they may be if they ASSUME all is ok. Show me any child that wouldn’t benefit from a parent being more involved.
Is the glass half full or half empty? I believe how you treat your child tells them how valuable/loved they are broadly, at home and school. Language disabilites from CAP and ADD come out in relationships, and in schoolwork, especially math which becomes more language based the harder it gets. as the child grows, more intricate social awareness and skills are needed – that’s where the parent needs to be sure that the professionals are addressing the correct issues and that’s the nightmare of balance for the special ed parent – when to hover and when to be the safety net to fall into.
I think if parents that parent of learning disabled students keep the child’s strengths always in focus they develop more of a positive interaction with their child and help that child succeed. They may not be a brain surgeon, but they might be the best carpenter, or engineer out there.
sorry to go on like this – as you can tell this is a very emotional topic for me – these children can succeed beyond everyone’s expectations
Jorge,
My original answer was made in haste. If there were a delete function, I’d have removed it.
Misrepresentation, and failing to honor the terms of a contract, are not only bad business but wrong.
I understand the difficulties of working parents, and I often wonder at how they can get it all done at all. This is particularly true of single parents.
I just don’t see what kind of help can really be given to them. School schedules don’t coincide with work schedules, and unless a working parent is lucky enough to have family that is available to help out on a pretty broad basis, it can be very difficult.
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