We’ve all had those Scarsdale mom moments
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- April
- 22
The number one topic of conversation where ever I’ve been in the past day is the Scarsdale mom who got so fed up with her two kids bickering in the back seat that she threw them out of the car in downtown White Plains.
If you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t read the “story”:http://www.lohud.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090421/NEWS02/904210347, here’s the short version: one of the kids, 12, ran back to the car and got in. The other, 10, stood on the side of the road, crying until a passerby bought her ice cream and called the cops.
When the mom, Madlyn Primoff, got home to Scarsdale, she called the police, who told her to go to White Plains PD to get her daughter. The mom did and was promptly arrested.
Then the outcry started. About half the people who have commented on the story on the LoHud forums think the mom, a high-powered New York City attorney, is terrible, deserves to be arrested and should count her lucky stars that nothing bad happened to her daughter while she was standing on the White Plains street corner.
The other half think the police over reacted. The mother was probably more than justified in her actions and the girls were probably brats who needed to be taught a lesson, they say.
I’m fascinated by this story. I find myself in the middle of the two groups. I think the mom lost her cool and probably regretted her actions as soon as she left the kid on the side of the road.
Would I have done the same if pushed hard enough? I’d like to think not. But unless you’re the parent of a 13-year-old, you really don’t understand how crazy they can make you.
I’ve never thrown my kids out of the car. But…..I remember once when my youngest daughter, now almost 8, was about 2 or 3. It was a freezing cold late afternoon, already dark, and I stopped at ShopRite to pick up some groceries before I had to get my older daughter at some activity.
As we were getting ready to leave the store, my charming little girl pitched a full-throttle temper tantrum because she didn’t want to put her jacket on. There she was, on the floor, kicking, screaming, refusing to put her jacket on even though it was probably 10 degrees outside.
What I’ll never forget about this particular temper tantrum was that for a couple of memorable seconds I contemplated—no dreamed of—leaving her there. On the floor. In ShopRite. Just walking out the door without her…..
Of course I didn’t. I struggled to stuff her squirming body into her jacket, then stuffed her into her car seat and drove off, with her.
But as I read about the Scarsdale mom, I remembered this incident. And I realized that most of us have, at least for a couple of seconds, dreamed of doing what the Scarsdale mom did. I guess the difference is that most of us don’t act on those impulses.
This entry was posted
on Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009 at 2:53 pm by Jane Lerner.
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I feel for this mother. Her daughters are certainly old enough to manage on their own, and they were not let off in a desolate, rural location. It’s incredible to me that the police arrested her for this. If the daughters had asked to be dropped off alone in the exact same location would that be a crime?
Furthermore, any involvement of the child protective services only serves to make a regrettable situation worse. Shame on the authorities in this case.
I agree that it’s probably overkill to involve Child Protective Services in this situation, which has already been blown out of proportion. You’re exactly right when you call it a “regrettable situation.”
Thanks for reading.
Jane
This situation is sad for all parties involved. I feel so sad for the family. This woman has been punished more than a lot of criminals, especially after having her name, picture and address published in the local newspaper and being on most of the local television stations last night. There is no easy answer for this situation. I am a single parent of 2 grown children and I remember they used to fight like cats and dogs. Sometimes I was at my wits end. Thankfully I never put them out of the car (because I never thought of it). I would have also been a nervous wreck wondering if they were OK. God Bless this family.
Maybe I’m missing something, but as I understand it this mother left her 10 year old daughter in the middle of White Plains and counted on local police to bring her home – and in fact attempted to use a “missing child” report to get her kid back for her.
In essence, she took it on herself to use taxpayer-funded cops to do her parenting for her.
That’s just not right. It’s actually illegal, by the letter of the law. That’s obviously where WP cops went with it.
I agree with Jane that we’ve all had instances where our kids drove us nuts, and maybe even made us want to leave them there. But to actually do it and use taxpayer funded police to teach your kids a lesson is through the roof.
I only have this barometer: I worry enough about the freaks out there when it comes to my son. I certainly wouldn’t leave a 10-year-old unattended anywhere, let alone abandon them in a city where there are scheduled pickups for the homeless, drug clinics and any number of strangers about.
If you’re all okay with that, that’s cool. I just know that, discipline techniques aside, my son would never be dumped out on the street like that. That’s my two cents.
And, with all due apologies, I do wonder what the reaction would be if this mom were a Hispanic immigrant or a poor black woman. I venture to guess it would be viewed differently. Maybe that’s the cynic in me. But let’s be real: Would you do this to your kid?
Jorge, to clarify, it is NOT illegal, by the letter of the law. The law is purposefully vague to allow for discretion. Booting a 5 year old to the curb is clearly unreasonable, but many reasonable people, if not most, feel a 10 year old can be left alone in a public place. Children younger than that navigate the NYC subway system alone, without their parents being arrested.
Perhaps the mother displayed poor judgment – debatable – but I fail to see how she acted criminally. Pressing charges, a night spent in jail, involvement of CPS and enforced separation of mother and children… how can these extreme responses not cause infinitely greater harm? Not to mention the intense public scrutiny. I really feel for this family and find the police response chilling.
as a resident of Scarsdale and a teacher, children of 10 or 12 years old are very savy. I believe that this mom truly wanted to get a message across to these suburban “scarsdalian brats”. I believe that her intentions were to teach them a lesson and to not to harm them in any way. The area in White Plains where she left them out of the car is a safe location. How many times have parents “deposited” their kids in so-called safe “ice-cream hangouts or movie theaters” without adult supervision and that is considered okay???!!! We need to stop judging parents who “put their foot” down! Kids today are very savy/spoiled and they seem to know “their rights’!They know how to turn the law against their parents! Who’s in charge here…kids or adults???!!!
Noel;
I think it is illegal to report a lost child when you have, in fact, dumped the child on the street. I believe the charge is filing a false report. She was not charged with that, as far as I know. But it is, nonetheless, a penal charge.
Debbie;
My 13-year-old niece has been navigating the NYC subway system for a couple of years – with friends. This child was found wandering around by a stranger, whom she went along with. Thankfully, it was a good Samaritan who called police.
Yes, White Plains is a generally safe city. However, this “safe” downtown has been the subject to several violent encounters in recent years, including a fatal stabbing at the mall parking lot, a violent fight that led to the shooting of an off-duty cop, and, in recent weeks, a woman strangled to death on the outskirts of the town.
As I said, it’s my view as a parent. If you are all comfortable with this woman’s actions, or feel the need to justify at least portions of it, it is certainly open to various points of view. I’ve just given mine.
I will tell you, as I said earlier, that the overall reaction would likely have been radically different were this mother’s ethnicity, race and/or socio-economic status been different. One glance at our “story chat” entries on any story is evidence enough of that.
Anyway, I am thankful that Jane posted on this. Obviously it’s an issue with a lot of sides, and I think open discourse on these issues is a vital thing.
This is ridiculous. If anyone wasted taxpayer funds on police time it is the so-called “good samaritan” who is more like a total “busy body” if you ask me.
The area where the child was momentarily dropped off was in the quiet, wealthy, suburban part of White Plains right on the Scarsdale border—not anywhere near downtown or the city or homeless drops or any of the other urban elements others are erroneously citing here.
Parents are blamed for abnoxious, out of control kids these days, but are not allowed to give them any responsibility or discipline them in any way. And believe me, I’m a total softie, not exactly a “spare the rod, spoil the child” type, but still. The government and schools in well-off suburbia totally disempower parents. Don’t kid yourself—if this were an immigrant in the Bronx, you’d hear NOTHING about it because child protection agencies in low-income and crowded places would laugh at something like this. They have cases of physical abuse and 3-day abandonment to deal with. They can’t afford to get involved in parent-discipline issues.
I wonder how many of the moms who are feeling so holier-than-though about this incident laughed their butts off watching the same thing happen to Lynette on “Desperate Housewives” a few seasons ago. Exact same story, and everyone thought it hit home and was hilarious. Everyone could relate. The scene got rave reviews. But now it’s a whole different story. Interesting.
I had child services come to my house once because a moronic babysitter who had just finished schooling to be a guidance counselor reported that my 3 year old hit my 1 year old. Of course, it was dropped, and, in fact, they told me the babysitter was actually reporting herself, because whatever happens between kids is the responsibility of the person watching them at the time. (Did I mention there was no scratch, bruise or crying? Nothing like that). I was so upset that I actually talked to a lot of people, and I was stunned to find out how many parents have been reported—for things like putting a child in their room, or taking their dinner away after the child wouldn’t eat it for 30 minutes, and yelling at a child in a supermarket.
SO WATCH OUT. If you live in suburbia where social services and the police don’t have much to do, you could be the next one hung out to dry on the World Wide Web.
If this mother did ANYthing wrong-
a big IF-it was not getting it through her child’s head that you NEVER get in a car with a stranger. Never ever. Ten year olds are not constantly beside their parents, and there are ample opportunities for them to be kidnapped if a kidnapper is looking and a child is willing.Teaching children to protect themselves is much more important and realistic than never letting them out of your site.
Fair enough. We obviously have different interpretations of what constitutes appropriate parenting. Some of you obviously feel passionate about defending this woman’s actions.
It’s puzzling to me, but telling. We’ll agree to disagree.
I can understand why people want to justify this woman’s actions: We all have been at our limits at one time or another and can easily imagine giving an ultimatum like, “Stop fighting or get out of the car.”
Here is the difference: She actually abandoned the kids on the street and drove away! And, really bizarrely, let one child return to the car.
I think everyone could agree that ordering them out of the car, then maybe driving 15 feet and pulling over the curb to wait for them to resolve their quarrel before letting them back into the car would fall into the realm of reasonable behavior. No one would argue with that, I think.
It’s the actually driving home part that pushes her actions over the limit. Then, on top of that, she leaves just one of the girls. Together they obviously would be safer. And it’s the younger one she leaves! Then, she actually calls police to report her missing! Why didn’t she just drive back and pick her up? It makes you wonder about her mental health really. Did she subconsciously want her daughter to go missing? Why would you leave your kid like that?
And I just do not buy all these comparisons to children going to the store by themselves, etc. In those cases, the children are obeying their parents, likely are in a good mood and paying attention to their circumstances and hopefully know where they are going. This was an upset child, likely in an unfamiliar place, abandoned by the mom and vulnerable to strangers and poor decision-making.
There is no comparison between normal freedom to navigate the world and being dumped on a street in a state of distress.
Interesting how we all view this incident differently.
I think there are still a lot of unanswered questions about what actually happened. How long was the kid standing there? How long before Primoff called the cops? Did she go around the corner and go back to look for the kid and the kid was gone?
A lot of questions but I think it boils down to an overstressed, high-achieving person who is accustomed to perfection. She lost it. I think as a society, we’re very hard on moms, especially moms who dare to try to “have it all…”
What she did was wrong, but I’m still sympathetic to her. And I don’t think it’s a good use of our society’s resources to keep her in jail overnight, either.
And I think she was actually treated more harshly than a poorer person of color. If a Latino or black woman from Mount Vernon or Spring Valley did the same, I hardly think it would have become an international incident.
As a society, we expect rich, Ivy League lawyers from Scarsdale to be perfect and we love to laugh at them when they fail.
I don’t think we need to understand what caused this to know what happened.
A mother lost it and left her children alone. One old enough to have some reason and one who wasn’t.
I have two children, 29 and 27 now, but I did have these moments, these feelings. I stopped the car on the road and made the radio so loud they cried from the pain in their ears. No arguing. I threatened and followed through with promises of grounding them. No arguing because they knew I meant what I said.
Whatever was wrong this morning – the mom was drunk, forgot her meds, the kids forgot their meds, they were out of control – it doesn’t matter. Only the actions matter, and in the end if the children were hurt, the parent would be devastated.
I believe the police were correct in charging the mother. I also believe that the sentence should be therapy – obviously something is very wrong here that they can not handle on their own. Perhaps parenting classes could be mandated. Jail time. No. It solves nothing.
Someone needs to look into this family and understand what’s wrong with ALL of them, and intervention is needed. This was a cry for help that I hope is heeded not ignored because women are indignant that another woman is being blamed for things they themselves think.
Wow would the outcry be different if the child was raped. I am not aware that there are any safe plots of land on this earth where rapists, pedofiles and murderers do not freely roam – Scarsdale included.
If you care about these children and this woman – wish them the help they need whether they want it or not.
I agree, Gina; Had this girl been hurt, everyone would sing a different tune. Thank God she wasn’t.
But it’s just odd how people reacted to this. In fact, I am outright astounded at some of the reactions. Someone above actually said that the good samaritan, not this mother, was at fault and wasting the officer’s time!
So, I think people have just taken a position here and are so focused and determined with it that they miss the serious lapse in parenting here. I wish their children well.
This smells to high heaven of favoritism on the part of the legal system, taking care of one of it’s own. Especially a partner at a large NY firm. Had someone not in that position done this, they would be persecuted AND prosecuted. God forbid if they would have been poor and a minority.