Remember the prom date? In this earlier blog, I spoke about a mom who put her foot down when her 15-year-old son was asked to go to the prom by a senior girl in his high school. Her thinking was that he was too young, etc., etc. That sparked some lively debate.

Well, the prom came and went, and the 15-year-old did, indeed, attend with the older girl. It turns out that the boy’s mom ultimately had discussions with the girl’s mom, discussed it with her son, and they agreed to the ground rules. So she relented.

How’d he do? Things went smoothly. He was a gentleman, there were no after-parties, and he was home at the agreed-to time. By all accounts, the two had a wonderful—and safe—time together.

So, does this make the concern some of you had moot? Or did the mom dodge a bullet?

Friday was the big night out for my son — his school dance.

This was my son’s second dance, coming on the heels of last year’s fourth grade gala. The fifth-grade version wasn’t much different, except that I have learned to be less intrusive. That is to say, the first time around my ex and I were both there, and she kept prodding him to go and pick a girl to dance with. Not sure what we were thinking, because I wasn’t exactly love-struck at his age.

This time around I was on my own, so I backed off and let him do his thing. I noticed that I was one of the few solo parents there, and actually felt like something of an outcast being a single parent. That’s something that rarely happens with me, so it was an odd sensation. One of the other parents — who I actually went to school with years and years ago — spent a bit of time telling me about his storybook marriage and the splitting of parenting duties he and his wife are able to do: His wife took their son to a Boy Scout event the same night, so he escorted his daughter to the dance. I didn’t take offense, but I wondered why he felt it necessary.

Either way, I did my own thing, and watched from the wings with great amusement. My son, to his credit, stood in the crowd and danced his butt off pretty much  all night. At that age, they’re not necessarily looking for girls to dance with. The girls themselves nearly all dance — again on their own or with other girls. There’s just a real gender divide at this age.

Looking around that room, I wondered when that will start to change. He had his first kiss in kindergarten, and was quite popular with two girls in first grade. By second, he showed less interest, to the degree that now he couldn’t care less if a girl showed interest. So when does that change? I’m sure by high school it’ll be THE issue, over what girl or other he likes or likes him.

In the meantime, I’m good with standing in the wings and watching him do his own thing. As for being one of the few solo parents in the crowd, I’m good with that too. My boy seems okay with it.

Is it that time of year already?

Seems to me that every year my ex and I do this vacation juggling act with our son: Who gets him which week, who has to compromise their plans, who put in for a particular week first, and so on and so on. Frankly, it’s when our amicable custodial agreement is most tested.

This year, my girlfriend and I have plans to head south to spend a week at a beach resort with our two boys, although our departure is delayed one day because of a scheduling conflict with my ex. My ex, meanwhile, has to interrupt her week away to drive back and drop my son off for my scheduled weekend with him. Well, it happens. We’ll work around it. The real tricky part comes with the bartering for weekends. It’s inevitable that we have to swap our weekends for this or that three-day getaway: I want to fly out and see my brother and my nephews on her weekend; she wants to extend her vacation by keeping our son over my weekend.

Let the negotiations begin!

We always end up working it out, and have somehow managed to keep our post-divorce friendship intact. But it leaves me wondering if there isn’t a system we could put into play, or some process that would make this whole juggling act function more smoothly in years to come, particularly as it’s not just the two of us that are affected by our scheduling: There’s her husband and his son, and my girlfriend and her little boy — our blended family. Everyone is potentially inconvenienced if it tips the wrong way.

So, does anyone have a fool-proof formula for this stuff?

 It seems like it’s about time that I gave myself a blended family test. After all, my girlfriend and I have been working on this for quite some time now, and I wonder myself if I’m always doing my part as the two of us and our two boys build our new clan.

With that in mind, I went on the web and stumbled onto this online piece on making blended families work. Seems as good as any three tips I’ve come across. And what better way to rate my own performance?

So, here goes:

TIP 1: Both parents need to stop tooting their own horns. Each parent needs to give up the old ways of family and agree on a unified way that each agrees to for raising the children.

MY GRADE: This has been an adjustment for me, but I am increasingly open. One does get into parenting habits when you’re a single parent, and you tend to cling to them when they worked. So, shaking loose of that in a new familial setting takes some effort. I’m learning, or at least being more open to it. Grade: C

TIP 2:  Each parent and each of the children must learn to accept differences.

MY GRADE: Another adjustment for me, but one I was a tad more prepared for. I think I’ve generally done quite good on it, though. And my son has generally been a trooper, so some of that must rub off on me. Grade: B+

TIP 3: This new family will need to learn how to be courteous to each other.

MY GRADE: I think I’m generally pretty good on this one. Disagreements do at times breed discourteous behavior, and I’m a firm believer that a healthy disagreement now and again lets off some steam. Grade: B-

If I’m honest with myself I’d have to say that there are two major things I’ve learned, and need to heed more often. First, not to let things fester, no matter how minor they seem at the time; and, second, address the more sensitive issues at calm, stress-free times. Do I always take my own advice on these things? Probably not.

But, you know, this whole thing is a work in progress, and the fact that we talk about these things is a real plus. But I could honestly do better. I figure that gives me an overall C+ grade. Maybe next semester I can get up to a B?

The more I search, the more I find.

As in more single-parenting websites. This is a particularly good one from David Mott, a West Coast dad who runs the Dad’s House blog. David is a divorced dad with half-time custody, and addresses everything from solo parenting to the single-parent dating scene and all the issues in between.

He tells me that his goal is to tell the world “that single fathers are perfectly capable of caring for children and running a household solo.” He concedes that his half-custody situation puts him in a different role than solo moms or single parents with full-time custody. But there is plenty of common ground in terms of dating, relationships and parenting concerns. He hits on all those and posts regularly.

“I’m sharing stories and opinions on online dating,” he said. “Also how to deal with things like the general lack of acceptance of a single dad by married couples, and things to do with your alone time. Interestingly enough, my blog has already opened some eyes to married readers who are now re-evaluating the father’s role in a household that has both parents. I’m all for men being more present with their children.”

I’m trying to be selective in the sites I add to my blogroll, and didn’t hesitate adding Dad’s House. The stories are always honest, often funny and consistently useful. And if you noticed, David has already begun providing his input on my posts here, which is valuable to the discussions we engage in.

As I like to say, check it out.

Looking for input on this one.

This is an issue that came up in a friend’s family, and I differ with my girlfriend and others on it. The scenario is this:  A 15-year-old boy was asked to go to the Senior Prom by a senior at the school. The parents know each other and the kid’s a good kid. He’s never been in trouble, very mature and the whole bit. The girl asked him, and he said yes.

Next, he told his mom, who said he could not go because he is too young to go to a Senior Prom. The boy never shared this with the girl, and told her he would be going. When the parents ran into each other, the boy’s mom found out he had not declined as she told him. So, he got grounded and will not be going to the prom either way.

The two issues are this: Is a 15-year-old boy too young to go to a Senior Prom? Secondly, should he have been grounded for defying his mother’s wishes and not telling the girl he wouldn’t be allowed to go? Frankly, I’m not sure how he would’ve pulled it off when the prom day comes around, but perhaps he hoped to convince his mother before then.

For the record, the parent here is in a traditional two-parent home, so it’s not a single-parenting issue. Of course, I always think of these situations as they would apply to single-parent or blended family homes, and I think that adds other potential elements. So, my third question is, does your answer to the first two questions change if I apply the situation to a single-parent household?

Anyway, what do you think?

When I started writing here I thought that blogging as a single parent would offer a needed voice on our parenting blog. I hope I’ve been right. But something’s changed.

Several people have asked me if I am truly a single parent — my girlfriend among them. Well, yes and no. I am divorced and therefore unmarried. And I am a parent. But am I single? In one sense, yes. In another, no, as in, I’m spoken for. So it sent me on a quest for a more accurate label. It didn’t take much thought to figure out that my girlfriend and I have a blended family, as I’ve blogged about before: We live together with our children from prior relationships.

But do I have a right to the single-parent tag? I share some issues with truly single parents, and not others. I seem to share all the issues with parents in blended families.

Ultimately, I’m not so sure it matters. My point in joining this blog was that there were many of us out here living with children in non-traditional homes, and that continues to be the case. That also seems to be the issue — and the point. I also have several years of experience as a truly single parent, which led me to this point.

Hopefully, all of us who find ourselves single with kids will make the same journey from single parent to blended family. With any luck, that transition will lead us to a traditional blended family of onetime single parents.

But perhaps that’s a blog for another day.

Raising kids isn’t easy. It’s even harder when they’re not yours.

And there are two distinct sides to the dynamic: Your child and your partner’s child.

Yours: You have to learn to relinquish control, and allow that your partner is going to be in a parenting role with your child — regardless of how subtly you introduce them to the role. This has admittedly been hard for me, only because my son and I had been alone for so many years and established, not only a strong bond, but a set of rules that revolved around the two of us. I’m learning.

Partner’s: This is not your biological child, and he has a father. Yet, you are in a parenting role, again, regardless of how slowly you enter into it. This is a tough balancing act for me, because I want my girlfriend’s son to continue to like me and accept me. But I also have to adhere to the rules set out for him, and correct misconduct when it’s necessary. I’m trying to find that balance.

Well, here are some things to keep in mind, from a link that was forwarded to me. But it’s also a “gut” thing, and you have to work with your partner to ensure all the kids in the home — biological kids and stepkids alike — feel that the rules apply evenly to them. We’re working on that balance as well.

Because if you’re trying to build a blended family, you have to accept that they really are yours after all.

With so many unmarried couples moving in together, it was only a matter of time before lawyers figured out a way to make some cash from the situation. So now there’s an increase in cohabitation agreements, which lay out the rules for out-of-wedlock couples. This doesn’t apply just to single parent blended families, but having kids in the mix ups the stakes a bit for single parents.

I’m not pushing for the agreements, but think it’s a good idea to have some questions addressed and some issues ironed out in those situations. This is something we’ve addressed piecemeal in our home, and something we need to go back and address in more detail.

With that in mind, I found this checklist for couples who are sharing a home but not a marriage. It’s another one of those tip sheets I love to put out there, as I think they lay the groundwork for serious discussion in single-parent and blended-family households. At least it’s a start.

It’s not as if I need another book on my reading list, which is already backed up. But this one seems worth a look.

To hear him tell it, single dad blogger Trey Ellis had been plotting this out for a heck of a long time, even before he began writing in earnest three years ago. Initially, he simply sought to put together a memoir of his experiences as a single father. It kind of ended up being a little bit more than that.

“I was determined to capture the unvarnished truth,” he told me, “so I included events that evoke pity: my parents’ early deaths, my wife leaving me to raise our then three-year-old girl and eight-month-old boy, as well as revulsion: Internet porn and Brazilian hookers, as well as envy: beautiful French actresses, models, and an Italian countess.”

“As you will see in the book, the reason it took so long to finish was that I was living a life in search of an ending.”

Well, at least he seems to have found an ending for his book. Bedtime Stories: Adventures in the Land of Single-Fatherhood makes me envious because I wish I had thought of it first.

But most of all, Bedtime Stories has me curious and interested to pick it up when it hits the bookshelves. Trey, who’s one of the single parent bloggers I’ve tracked down and put on the blogroll here, seems poised for some success with this. He’s even gotten an endorsement from writer Naomi Wolf, who called it “moving, funny, down-to-earth, sexy and delightful.”

So, best of luck to Trey. It’s on the top of my list.

 This is a process, this whole separeted/divorced thing. I’m sure there’s a study somewhere that breaks it down scientifically. Some would likely say you go through the stages of death. Others would say it’s just that—a process.

Well, if you’re in that boat, you have your own version. It’s never easy to split from your mate, and particularly so if you have kids in the mix. There’s hurt, guilt, anger, etc. If you’ve read my blog with any regularity, you know that the kids in the mix is always a priority for me, whatever the dynamics.

But there’s also comfort in knowing you’re not the only one that went through it. And sometimes the web is the best place to find a diary of the process. That’s how I came upon Richard, otherwise known as the blogger, The Separated Man.

He brings his own story to the table, and does a good job of being open, honest and blunt about the emotions and trials he’s going through. He’s also in the minority, as he’s a single dad blogging about his experiences. Statiscally, separated/divorced dads are fewer in numbers than single moms, so it stands to reason that there’d be fewer of us blogging out there.

So, Richard becomes the latest member of the network of single/separated/divorced parents I’m trying to build. My ultimate goal is to link moms and dads in those situations through our blogs. Hope you’ll find The Separated Man a good addition.

And check out the blogroll on the main Parents Place site. Always open to new adds.

There’s little doubt that Internet dating is increasingly popular among single parents. I mean, most single parents I know are looking for a companion, and a lot of them are turning to the web to restart their social lives. A lot of them.

I think it’s for obvious reasons: Single parents have less free time to get involved in traditional dating rituals, less patience for the “dating game,” and, since they’ve likely been “burned” in some relationship capacity, they like being able to surf profiles to be more selective about who they express interest in. With kids in the picture, being selective is particularly appealing.

Personally, I don’t know too many single parents who haven’t delved into it in some capacity. I do know some who have met mates through groups like Parents Without Partners, preferring the face-to-face encounters that offers, as well as the child-friendly atmosphere it provides. But most folks I know like the convenience of the Internet, and know that the stigma and fear of online dating seems to have subsided a bit in recent years among both parents and non-parents.

But how does one get involved? The top dating sites are certainly active, but not particularly designed for single parents. If you’re considering it, the advice I give single-parent friends is to surf around and read up on some single-parent dating sites. There are plenty out there. But avoid “younger” sites, and hunt down what appeals to you. Then be selective and don’t compromise.

One single-dad blogger who reached out to me this week is putting together an online site that seeks to help. It’s not a dating site per se, but Single Parent Romance offers links to some. More importantly, he’s putting together a list of online resources for single parents and will link relevant blogs in an attempt to create an online community.

I’d put it out there as a good starting point. And remember, while it’s not for everyone, there’s nothing wrong with having options.

Okay, this is way premature: My son is just 10.

But I’ve always accepted that my time with him is limited. We buddy around now and go on treks together, share movies and even joust in X-Box contests now and again. But what happens when he hits the teen years? That’s when dad has to drop him off around the corner so his friends won’t see him with me. It’s inevitable, isn’t it?

This came to mind this week when a colleague of mine told me the latest news about his 15-year-old. Both our sons take guitar lessons and fool around with the six-strings, so we’re always checking in on their progress. This week he tells me his boy has turned in his guitar for text-messaging. In other words, he has a girlfriend.

Now, my girlfriend’s 3-year-old has a girlfriend too. Of course, in pre-K it’s a slightly different dynamic. My son is in fifth grade, and had his first kiss in kindergarten. He has had a girl or two chasing him over the years. He’s still at that age where he blushes at the mere mention of that first kiss, but two girls in particular always come up year after year.

Anyway, the girlfriend isn’t even the ultimate point. It’s more a matter of losing some part of that father-son bond when my boy hits the teens. I know of cases where it hasn’t worked that way, but a lot more where it has. For instance, I have one cousin who remained close with her boys during those years, largely by staying current on the latest video games and playing with them frequently. Another cousin left home early in his teen years due to his inability to relate in any way to his parents.

Will my son be one or the other extreme? Or somewhere in the middle? I bring this up to him now and again, and he tells me that’ll never happen. He’ll always be my buddy. God bless his little heart for saying so.

But, as much as it as a rite of passage of sorts, I do dread it. I mean, isn’t it just a matter of time?

Single-mom blogger and author Rachel Sarah recently asked me about dating single moms, and particularly what’s appealing about them. Well, seeing as how I’m a divorced dad, my girlfriend is a single mom, and I dated a few single moms prior to meeting her and starting a blended family of our own, Rachel figured I might have some opinions.

Any one who knows me is well aware that I always have an opinion, which I will gladly voice at great length. So, true to form, I shared my thoughts with Rachel, which she has posted on her blog this week. She included input from a couple of other single parents to put together an interesting, honest and intriguing posting on the subject.

Rachel, who writes from the West Coast, does an excellent job overall on her blog, and has published a book on her single-mom experiences. I hope you’ll all read her stuff, particularly the single parents out there. Never enough voices on this, and hers is worth hearing.

Every single parent has to make their own choice on when they’re ready to date. But why not test yourself?

I was surfing some Internet single-parent and parenting sites and came across this tidbit on the About.com single-parent site, which I check out from time to time. And there I found this quick quiz, which apparently allows you to assess your readiness for dating if you’re a single parent. The test includes several levels of difficulty, which basically means you can control the number of questions you’re asked.

As I said, it’s a significant decision to make when you’re a parent and you’re starting to date again. But take the quiz yourself and see what you think. At the very minimum you’ll have some fun. And on the upside, it may help you make up your mind after all.