Don’t people work? You would assume with all the working parents out there and the growing number of single parents around that you’d find more after-school activities for your kids that accommodate a busy work schedule. But try to find a broad range of after-school activities that fit that criteria and see what happens.

My girlfriend recently got an education in this. She sought new weeknight activities for her energetic 4-year-old, only to find that many after school programs run roughly from 2 to 5 in the afternoon — hardly designed for working parents. He already plays soccer on weekends, but extensive weekend activities are difficult because she splits those days with her ex as part of the custody agreement. So, a weeknight activity was the goal. She ultimately settled on a gymnastics program that runs from 6:30 to 7:30 once a week. She would have preferred something a tad earlier in the evening that fit both her schedule and met her desired goals for a program. And this place is hardly around the corner from our home. But she was lucky: It’s a good program despite the long day it results in.

I had a minor taste of this myself with my son. He’s in sixth grade now and, as he did last year, he plays the saxophone in the school band. Also like last year, he was invited to join the jazz band, which practices after school. Normally, there’s a late bus to take him right to his after-school program. Only that doesn’t start until the end of this month, which means that either his mom or I would have to pick him up by 4:15 p.m. or he takes the early bus and  misses band practice. Well, we have jobs.

The end of the world? Not by a stretch, especially with what’s going on in the world these days. But if you’re a working parent who wants an active, involved kid, it’s certainly frustrating — and occasionally unfair. It’s also proving costly for at least one single mom.

Here’s her story: Seeking a martial arts program for her young child, this working single mom signed up for a late class in Pleasantville, N.Y. The child has auditory processing delays, so he is occasionally unable to follow some verbal commands. She met with the martial arts instructor, explained this and was assured that the classes would be small in size — no more than five kids — and that his teaching method was designed to accommodate children with mild to moderate development issues. He required a contract and would not accept cash or checks: Only a credit card number. So, they were off.

Well, the class quickly rose from three kids to 12, and the teaching method changed by the second class, with the instructor suddenly facing away from the children and using increasingly complicated commands, moves and sequences that the kids were require to quickly learn and replicate. Needless to say, the single mom’s child was unable to keep up. It became a very frustrating and difficult process, and was certainly not going to build up the self-esteem she felt her child needed and would gain from the classes. So, she phoned and told the instructor she would no longer be able to attend because her child would have difficulty continuing, coupled with a change in her work schedule that made attending the classes on time very difficult. She said she received a follow-up online newsletter from the instructor, and thanked him for it but reiterated that the child could not continue.

This particular martial arts program stipulates that you must give notice if the contract is to be terminated. Nonetheless, the instructor billed the mom for an entire first month of lessons two weeks later, although her child only attended three classes. To make matters worse, when she politely asked if he could halt the billing, he mailed her a statement announcing his intent to bill her more than $700 for a three-month set of classes which she initially signed up for but, as he was now aware, the child would not be attending — not to mention that he had already billed her for an entire month’s worth of classes for just three actual sessions.

This borders on criminal. Obviously, the mom needs to take action to halt payment and report the school for misrepresentation or even fraud. But I think what irked her most — and what most bothers me about it — is the idea that she is being taken advantage of, if not outright being robbed. She had limited options for martial arts programs because of her work schedule and her child’s developmental needs. And, as a single mom, she is limited financially as well, and plopping down that much money is an indication of the sacrifice she was willing to make for her child’s wellbeing and happiness. And then this.

It doesn’t help when your schedule as a working single parent limits the extra-curricular activities you can treat your kid to in the first place. It helps even less when someone finds a way to make an extra buck from it.

I wanted to beat up a 3-year-old this weekend. And boy, would he have had it coming.

Frankly, I would’ve been okay with my girlfriend’s 4-year-old taking the kid out. But that’s where she and I differed, and where it makes for an interesting discussion on bullying. It’s been on my mind lately anyway, since my 10-year-old son is now in middle school. In our district, the middle school is grades 6-8, and since he’s the youngest in his grade because of his late-November birthday, he’s also one of the smallest kids in the new school. So, it’s been on my mind.

Back to the weekend: Our blended family was out and about in the sunshine yesterday, and took time out to hit the playground at Croton Point Park. All is going well, until a 3-year-old boy (I’m guessing on the age) punches my son in the stomach. Now, he’s bigger, so he just laughed it off and let it go. But then the kid punches my girlfriend’s 4-year-old in the gut — three times over the span of maybe 5 minutes or so. Hmm.

So, our boy runs back and complains that the kid kept hitting him. One point: Our little guy is amazingly strong for his age. He has remarkable arm strength for a kid his age, and is big for his age. However, he’s also very, very mild mannered. In other words, he has the strength to be a bully, but nowhere near the demeanor. Therefore, he keeps trying to go back to the play ground but runs back in fear each time the little bully kid starts running towards him.

At one point the bully kid actually pulls down his pants and urinates on the playground equipment as if it was second nature. No, there was no sign of a parent. Anyway, my girlfriend takes matters into her own hands. She walks over, does official introductions for her son and the bully kid. They shake hands, and off they go to play like old buddies — until the smaller boy kicks our boy in the face.

My 10-year-old offered to take the little bully out, but, of course, we’re not going there. Now here’s where my girlfriend and I differed: Her solution was to just leave and to congratulate her son for not hitting back. I also commended him, but felt that, at that stage, we should have instructed our 4-year-old to, A) Tell the bully kid to stop and, B) If he didn’t stop, to clock him in the head. That’s me.

Years ago, when my son was in pre-K, he had a bigger kid push him around regularly. The kid was bigger and the staff at the place did little about it. I complained several times, and finally told them after a few weeks that if it happened again I would instruct my son to defend himself. They said they would do something. Needless to say, it happened again. My son got pushed down, got up and clocked the kid in the nose. The bigger kid went down, started crying and ran away. They ended up being friends after that.

Is that the best option? Maybe not. I saw it as a last resort. And I’m not sure how I’d handle it if he has a similar problem in middle school this year. My fingers are crossed that it doesn’t happen.

With my girlfriend’s 4-year-old, there’s another component: He is, as I said, a very strong kid, and we don’t want him to hurt anyone and we don’t want him to learn to solve his conflicts with his fists. But isn’t there a breaking point, where he should learn to stand his ground? When is that point?

How many shared-custody situations are out there where the child prefers one parent’s home to the other because “it’s more fun?” Particularly for younger children, this usually means that one parent’s home is all about play and the other involves actual parenting — rules and restrictions and doctor visits and doing homework.

I can think of several single- and divorced-parent situations where this is the case. In one friend’s case, the dad’s house has tons of toys and the child is routinely treated to milk shakes, donuts and sweets, and is allowed to fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Because the dad routinely has the child on weekends, there are few situations where the child has to be woken up early, dressed and prepared for school. The child gets up when the child gets up, and then it’s usually a day of fun in the sun.

Then there’s the mom. She has to get the child to school, has to be more conscious of dietary needs and is constantly trying to include vegetables and protein in meals. There are plenty of toys and play time, but with school, doctor visits and other utilitarian tasks built in, it pales in comparison to the nearly limitless play time at dad’s house. The end result is the parent trying to do the right thing for the child is the “less fun” parent, and has to regularly hear her child ask to go to daddy’s house.

She’s not alone. Another friend’s teenagers see their dad’s house as a refuge and a “safe place” when the mom tries to set curfews and limits on this or that. She’s forced to instill discipline. The end result is that one of her teens finally moved in with dad, who has provided little financial support for his children’s needs and close to no emotional support. The teen now lives with few rules.

And this is gender neutral. I’m highlighting two of the situations I know of personally, but I — of all people — don’t want to sound like I’m beating up the dads. I had friends in a single-parents group I once belonged to who were dads in similar situations. One dad who lives in the Carolinas was raising his children almost entirely on his own, carting them to school, tutors and the doctor while constantly hearing from them how mom never made them do these things. The mom primarily showed up to blame the dad when there was a problem at school. He, like my two other friends, have been forced to do the hardest thing of all: Keep quiet. They refuse, to their credit, to set the record straight for the children. They refuse to put the kids in the middle. They shouldn’t.

But what does one tell a parent in that situation? My advice has been to keep doing the right thing and ultimately the child will appreciate it — or at least one can hope so. The pessimist in me realizes that poetic justice only happens in plays and novels, not in real life. My more optimistic side clings to the notion that good intentions and actions are ultimately rewarded, if not with appreciation then certainly with the satisfaction of knowing you made your child a better and healthier person in the end.

Because it would just be nice to know that it’s a game where there are no real losers.

What if you can’t stand your child’s pediatrician?

I remember the moment my long-simmering (but still mild) dislike of my daughter’s pediatrician boiled over into actual antipathy. We were discussing Pumpkin’s milestones at her third birthday checkup when the doctor asked if she moved into a bed yet. I said no, and added that Pumpkin loves her crib and hasn’t even tried to climb out. (And this is a child who loves to climb everything else.)

The doctor’s reaction: “Most children have moved into a bed by age 2.”

My response, with an attempt at humor: “I can’t even imagine what her room would look like in the morning if she could get up whenever she wanted. Clothes and diapers would be everywhere, and she’d probably sleep on the floor or in her glider.” Said with a smile and chuckle.

The doctor’s response: “Well, she’s going to have to go into a bed eventually.” With zero (0) humor. No smile. She wasn’t trying to be funny. She was being sarcastic.

I should have replied with something like: “Oh, really? We were hoping to keep her in the crib until college to save money on a new bed and sheets.”

But that would have been the end of our doctor-parent relationship, and I am not 100 percent certain if it should be over. Now, let me say, if this was the first instance of us disagreeing, I probably would let it go, but it’s not. Just for instance, here’s another priceless exchange from the same visit:

Doctor: How much milk does she drink?

Me: About 9 ounces in the morning. She won’t drink milk later in the day, except chocolate milk, and even then, she’ll drink perhaps a half-cup. She really doesn’t like milk or even yogurt.

Doctor: She should be drinking three to four cups a day! (With a look that suggest she thinks I’m either stupid or negligent.)

Me (silently to myself): What do you want me to do? Have you ever tried to make a toddler eat or drink something they don’t want to consume? (For the record, we have this milk conversation every time we have a checkup.) Out loud, I offered that she eats cheese. To that, the doctor replied: “Doesn’t all that cheese make her constipated?” (I never said it was a lot of cheese!)

But even these disagreements — and even her sanctimonious attitude — wouldn’t get under my skin so much if there weren’t a bigger problem: She doesn’t seem to “get” that Pumpkin is a preemie.

Our first pediatrician, who was recommended by the doctors at the White Plains Hospital NICU, was terrific. He seemed to really understand the unique needs of micro-preemies like Pumpkin, who weighed just 1 pound, 13.4 ounces at birth. He was extremely cautious when it came to Pumpkin’s health. He ordered her to avoid public spaces and to stay away from all children, even her cousins, until she weighed 15 pounds. (A milestone she didn’t reach until shortly before her first birthday.) She had monthly shots of vaccine for RSV during her first winter. For you non-preemie parents, RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) is unpleasant but not an emergency. For preemies, it’s a big deal. I appreciated his personal attention. I liked the way he plotted Pumpkin’s growth on a preemie growth chart targeted to her week of gestation at birth. I was very sorry when we had to switch doctors because we switched insurance.

Our new doctor dismisses every attempt I make to talk about Pumpkin in the context of being a preemie. Last year on Pumpkin’s second birthday, she was unhappy with her speech development and suggested an evaluation, adding that we have to judge her by her birth date rather than her due date. The speech therapist disagreed and gauged Pumpkin’s development using her due date, which is a full three months later than her birth date. She turned out to be ineligible for services because although her expressive abilities lagged, her receptive speech was actually ahead of the curve. Perhaps not so amazingly, come August of last year, just after her due date birthday of July 27, Pumpkin’s speech blossomed.

So, this year again, the doctor was unhappy with Pumpkin’s speech, adding, “Most 3-year-old girls are chatterboxes, and she hasn’t talked to me at all.” Well, Pumpkin takes a while to warm up to strange people, and what kind of pediatrician judges people this way? She’s never met a shy child before? I shared the story of what happened with the evaluation last year, including the details of the speech boom in August. Her reply, given with obvious irritation: “Well, you can wait until July, but that’s only two months, and I doubt it will make a difference.”

Plus, she only charts Pumpkin’s growth on the regular chart, where her weight is in just the 10th percentile. I’d like to know how she measures up to other preemies born in her week of gestation, but I can’t find out at that pediatrician’s office. (Parents of preemies: Do you have this problem, too?)

So, what do you all think I should do. I started writing this post as a sort of “Can this doctor-parent relationship be saved?” Maybe it’s really a “Dear Joan” letter.

The hard part: How do you pick a new doctor?

Parenting books often have advice about choosing a pediatrician, suggesting that expecting parents interview potential doctors much like you are a boss hiring someone for a job. Has anyone actually done this? Are you expected to pay for the doctor’s time in these cases? Insurance sure isn’t going to cover it, and I’d be surprised if doctors are so eager for patients (especially the potentially cranky kind that demand pre-visit interviews) that they are giving their time away.

How did you choose your pediatrician? Do you like him/her? Has s/he ever said anything that made you want to wring his/her neck?

(Also: Out of curiosity: How old was your child when you moved him/her into a bed? And was it because of a new sibling? I find it hard to believe that “most children” are in their own beds by age 2!)

I’m a little confused.

One of the things we have been adamant about teaching our boys is good manners. This is something my mom drilled into my brother and myself since we were young, and something I’ve always taught my own child. My girlfriend is the same with her boy, and we both insist on good table manners and polite behavior.

So why do I feel like we’re in the minority? It can’t be for lack of resources on this stuff. Five minutes online and I was able to track down several tip sheets and suggestions for teaching your children manners. Some of the better ones include “this web page”:http://www.essortment.com/all/teachingchildre_mwm.htm as well as “this other site”:http://life.familyeducation.com/manners/parenting/30148.html?detoured=1 on the same topic. So what’s going on?

Let me back up. We had two experiences this weekend that make me wonder if young people aren’t being taught manners:

On Saturday, we had a four-year-old birthday party for my girlfriend’s son. When it was time for pizza one of the little boys decided he wanted another boy’s chair, and pretty much muscled him out of it. I get it: He’s only four. But the boy’s father just watched, made one half-hearted suggestion that he not be so pushy, then let it go. The other boy burst into tears.  Poor parenting.

Then the following day, we went shopping at Target in Mount Kisco. We had to return some stuff, so went to the “customer service” counter. The young woman there puts out her hand for the receipt, turns her head to talk to someone else, then, when the receipt was in her hand, she immediately says she’s calling a manager because she doesn’t put up with customers being disrespectful. Huh? The manager comes, never apologizes and says he doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Meanwhile, the young woman glares, the manager sees nothing wrong with it and suggests we go on our way.

Two varying encounters, one basic problem. In the first, a four-year-old needs to be directed toward good behavior, and it’s up to the parent to ensure that happens. Children learn from role models. Neither my son nor my girlfriend’s son would ever be allowed to behave that way. In the second instance, it’s an example of someone being raised without manners — let alone professional courtesy a young person needs to succeed in any industry, primarily the retail service industry.

To me, this is something kids should learn before they apply for their first job, whatever that may be. I know plenty of single and divorced parents who instill this in their children — it’s not heavy lifting. And, in our own blended family, it’s the rule.

But am I making too much of this? Or am I right to wish that our boys encountered good manners outside the home as well?

Here’s the scenario: A group of kids in a pre-K class were given a homework assignment that required them to make a snowman. It was part of an arts & crafts project. Sounds good, right? Fun for the kids; some creative input from the parents.

This was at the pre-K where my girlfriend’s son goes, and she had fun helping him put together a snowman made from paper plates, glue, glitter, markers and some fluffy stuff. He was way proud, and should’ve been.

Now, we all know what happens in these situations. Some parents do the project for their kids so the kid will have the best one in the class. As if that’s the point. Anyway, it certainly was the case here. But that’s not the issue.

When they presented these things in the class, they actually gave awards for the best ones. That is to say, only two or three of the kids got rewarded, and most of the kids didn’t win an award, and got a certificate for doing it. Our little guy was heartbroken.

That strikes me as wrong. I’m all for teaching kids to be competitive and all. But at 3 and 4, I’d opt to give all the kids some kind of award, just to reward their efforts on the arts & crafts project.

What do you think?

Interesting blog item on the “Fathers and Families”:http://www.fathersandfamilies.org/site/index.php website. It deals with “moveaways,” or the process whereby children of divorced or separated parents are moved to a new home. It’s clearly a legitimate issue, but I think there are other elements at work in many of those situations, and certainly in the example cited in the blog.

When my ex and I split, she argued for us to keep the house so my son would have one home he was already comfortable with. My view was that if he had two loving homes, it would not matter as much, particularly given his young age. But I gave in and the home remains one of the two he shares time in. Has it been a factor in his adjustment? Hard to say. But I have to concede it didn’t hurt.

In general, I think relocating children is probably not the best scenario if it can be avoided. Sometimes, particularly in divided families, it is routinely unavoidable. According to “the ‘moveaways’ blog”:http://fathersandfamiliesblog.org/?p=314 that I referred to above, moving children in those situations is harmful, and several studies are cited. It is undoubtedly a debatable point, as the blogger himself expresses. And then he cites a case study involving a Massachusetts couple.

In truth, I’m not sure it’s the best example, since there seems to be some intense emotional tension between the parents in the relationship, something which directly impacts the kids. To me, that level of animosity between parents is a more damaging factor in most divorce situations than the simple act of moving a child to a new home after a separation or divorce.

But that’s just the way I see it.

I’m sure we’re all familiar with the argument linking kids and steroids: Athletes take performance enhancing drugs, and kids become vulnerable because they either idolize and want to mimick their doping heroes or they’re young athletes who want to perform like the pros and follow the lead by “juicing.”

Well, tonight I heard former U.S. Sen. George Mitchell announce his long-awaited report on performance-enhancing drug use in major league baseball. The debate on this will go on for some time, and the report will be discredited by some, over-hyped by others.

But what hit me most about all this was the call I got in the midst of Mitchell’s press conference today. It was my son. He was watching at his mom’s house and couldn’t believe that some familiar names from his beloved Yankees were named.

Now, the rest of us will debate that list and the players on it for months and years to come. We’ll go on at the water cooler at work about Mitchell’s Boston ties and the high percentage of current and former New York players on this list—along with the lack of ties to the Red Sox. We’ll comment on how most of the players named were on the steroid radar anyway. We’ll speculate on the names that should be there but weren’t. We’ll even defend a player or two on the list, primarily if they play for our team.

But the bottom line is that a kid’s heart was broken today, and that just sucks.

As if the toy recall news in recent months wasn’t bad enough. This came over the newswire late yesterday and was published in today’s editions of The Journal News. Talk about frightening.

Toy Linked to ‘Date-Rape’ Drug Joins List of Recalls

By Oliver Staley and Ryan Flinn – Nov. 8 (Bloomberg News) — A Chinese-made toy containing a chemical linked to the so-called date-rape drug was recalled yesterday after two children fell ill. It is the latest in a series of warnings that has led to more than 21 million toys getting pulled from store shelves before the U.S. holiday shopping season.
Aqua Dots, which features small beads that bond with water, are made with a chemical the body converts to gamma-hydroxy butyrate, commonly known as the date-rape drug. Two children in the U.S. who swallowed the beads became comatose, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said in a statement.
The recall of the Aqua Dots, distributed by Toronto-based Spin Master Ltd., follows the withdrawal of millions of toys, vitamins and consumer products made in China over concerns about high-levels of lead and other chemicals. Consumer fears about harmful toys may affect holiday spending, with 35 percent of shoppers believing that products made outside the U.S. are not safe, according to a Nov. 1 study by Deloitte & Touche LLP.
Also today, Marvel Entertainment Inc. said it was voluntarily recalling 110,000 Curious George dolls after tests revealed lead levels that exceeded federal limits. On Nov. 6, Mattel Inc. asked consumers to stop using 196,000 kitchen toys made in Mexico because small pieces may pose a choking hazard to children.
Recalls for Lead
Mattel, the world’s largest toymaker, has issued several recalls this year, primarily because the products contained excessive lead paint or had loose magnets that might detach and be swallowed.
Spin Master said in a statement last night that more than 60 percent of the 4.2 million Aqua Dots units covered by the recall hadn’t reached consumers.
Aqua Dots contain 1,4-butanediol, an industrial solvent that the body converts to gamma-hydroxy butyrate, according to the U.S. Food and Drug Administration’s Web site.
The toys were produced by Melbourne-based Moose Enterprise Pty., Spin Master said.
The product, which is labeled Bindeez outside the U.S., sickened two Australian children as well, Melbourne’s Herald Sun newspaper reported Nov. 6.

My son was gung-ho to learn Spanish when he was younger. Then, poof. He just kind of rebelled against it. Now he’s 9 and I worry I’m running out of time to get him back on track. Time to get busy.

See, Spanish is my first language, so I have always wanted my son to learn it for that reason. Obviously, there are more practical reasons to learn Spanish now because of the radical demographic changes going on around us. When my son was 3, everything was set up to grant me my wish. He was all over it. Then he just didn’t want to keep learning, probably because it became one of those things that kids just decide they’re going to defy a parent on. After a while, I stopped pushing because I didn’t want to make it a forcible thing, and something that his stubborn nature would shut the door on for good.

Now I’m coming up with ideas to get him going again. I learned English rather quickly at age 7, and I know that there is a limited time left when my son can learn a second language with more ease. There’s quite a bit written on this, including in this “basic article”:http://www.parentspress.com/edulanguages.html on the subject. So, here’s my plan:

• Speak to him only in Spanish when we’re in the car.

• Pull out some of our Spanish-language videotapes and watch Spanish-language TV and cinema at least once a week.

• Pull out some of the Spanish-language children’s books he had as a younger kid.

My girlfriend is anxious to have her 3-year-old learn as well, so maybe we can work it into the regimen for both boys. In the meantime, I’m hoping to jump start the process now that my son’s attitude about learning has changed and he’s anxious to do it. I guess we’ll have to see how it goes. Stay tuned.

This time it’s for parents who may wonder if their children have special needs or developmental problems. It’s from a recent issue of the Child Care Aware online newsletter, which is sponsored by the “National Association of Child Care Resource and Referral Agencies”:http://www.naccrra.org.

The truth is parenting takes work, and some kids may need reinforcement in one area or another. “This article”:http://www.childcareaware.org/en/subscriptions/dailyparent/volume.php?id=52 gives parents some things to look for and some things to think about. Personally, I think these are areas we should all be assessing and looking at as parents, not only to evaluate our children’s needs, but to ensure that we are staying on top of their development.

With my own son, we’ve always had an eye out for anything out of the ordinary — perhaps to a fault. At one point my ex even worried that some of my son’s mannerisms were in fact “tics” that can be consistent with disorders like Tourettes Syndrome. So we brought it up with his doctor, and spoke to a specialist. As it turns out, he is simply hampered by bad sinuses (regrettably, it’s one of my genetic contributions to him, it would seem). But we were on it just the same.

The point is we checked it out with the pros. Which brings me back to my earlier point: It’s good to think about this stuff.