Somebody’s got to stay home with the kid, right? That’s logical enough. But who misses a day of work?

A study last year by sociologist David Maume at the University of Cincinnati determined that moms are still significantly more likely to stay home than dads. Maume surveyed more than 1,400 parents and determined that 78% of women reported taking time off to stay home with a sick kid, compared to 28% for men. You can read more about the study in Science Daily.

The thing is that the study seems to have looked only at traditional homes, with mom and dad in the house. How does one handle the situation when they’re a single or divorced parent? Needless to say, this is a major problem if you solo parent. Unless there’s family nearby or a support group of some sort, you’re in a bind. And what are the rules on this in a blended family?

This has been on my mind this week because my girlfriend’s little boy has been battling the flu and hasn’t been able to go to his day care. She missed a couple of days, and her ex missed a couple and took him to his sister’s house for the day. Statistically, she ultimately takes more of those days on than her ex does, which seems to fit Maume’s study.

But at some point I wonder what my role is. I normally save my days off for when my son is sick, and juggle those with my ex. Is it my role as a stepparent figure to take off as well when my girlfriend’s son is sick? Or is that a responsibility that falls squarely  — and exclusively — on the little guy’s parents?

In the end I’m thinking gender isn’t all we should be looking at. Frankly, I’m thinking we need a new study.

Sometimes dad needs a helping hand. Well, here it comes, thanks to the United Way of Westchester and Putnam, and Family Services of Westchester. They’re sponsoring the New York Father’s Conference in White Plains on April 26th. It’s long overdue, I say.

The idea is to bring together dads from all walks of life — be they happily married, divorced, single, etc. — for a day-long program to provide advice, guidance and referrals. It features guest speakers that include Hugh Price, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution and former president of the National Urban League, as well as former NY Jet offensive back Bruce Harper, who is the co-founding director of the youth program “Heroes and Cool Kids.”

Russell Ross, senior vice president of community initiatives for the United Way, told me they’ve had similar conferences elsewhere in the past, including in Rockland County. But this is the first in Westchester County — and he hopes not the last.

“One of the things that we’ve seen in our research and talking to a lot of folks that are working with families is that dads don’t really have an opportunity to interact with each other and learn and kind of share,” he said. “Women and moms, they have their groups.”

Scheduled workshops are to address a number of issues, including wise discipline, balancing work, helping kids succeed in school, and staying connected as a non-custodial parent. You can check out the entire list and get more details on the United Way link for the program.

If you can’t get to a computer, call the United Way at 914-997-6700, ext. 702. But think about checking it out.

My son wants to make it to a Yankee game this year before they shut down the historic Bronx stadium for good and move next door. No problem there. I’m a longtime and avid fan, and took him to his first game there years ago. I myself have been going to games since 1970, when my dad and uncle took us to the old stadium to see the Bombers get demolished by the Orioles. I also had partial season tickets for years, when I worked out of the Bronx County Courthouse during my stint at the Daily News.

Here’s the catch: My son wants to go with just me and his mom — the former family unit.

I have some mixed feelings on this, and it makes for some awkwardness. I’ve always felt fortunate that my ex and I were able to maintain a friendship, and that we are all able to get along. My girlfriend and I had my ex and her husband over for Christmas Eve dinner (it’s a feast we call Noche Buena in Cuban culture, and it’s a big deal for us), and I had Easter brunch with my ex, her family and her husband last month. As I’ve blogged before, we all went trick-or-treating together last year as well.

To be fair, I can see how my son might simply view an outing to a Yankee game as an extension of the friendship his mom and I maintain. But at the same time, I feel like excluding his mom’s husband and his dad’s new partner is a sign that he may be clinging to something. Obviously, he wouldn’t be the first child to want his parents together, even if it is just for a baseball game.

But are we letting him mislead himself if we go along? Or is it just his wish to have an outing with his parents?

Or am I just making too much out of it?

Heck, everybody’s got stress. It’s just that the most stressed people I know happen to be parents in single-parent or blended family situations. So, I figured I would share this story that I came across on the newswire from Woman’s Day magazine.

I added the emphasis in the text below for effect. I mean, we certainly don’t have a monopoly on stress. My colleague and friend, Noreen O’Donnell, says she’s written on this, and that there’s a direct correlation between stress and the amount of control you have in your life — not necessarily the number of stressors you have to grapple with.

Fair enough. But it seems to me that parents have additional worries — and are more likely to feel less in control — than your average citizen. More so for single or divorced parents, who have that and more stressors to boot. That’s just me.

But see what you think:

From the editors of Woman’s Day magazine
According to the annual Stress in America report from the American Psychological Association, extreme stress strikes a third of Americans regularly, with one in five getting hit a whopping 15 days out of the month.
Of course, there’s the everyday anxiety that’s caused by a looming work deadline or too-busy schedule, and then there’s the big-time stress that comes with a major life-changing event — like divorce or dealing with a chronic illness. Coping with both requires similar techniques and habits. Woman’s Day magazine outlines a plan that will reduce stress in your life now — and help you prep for the big stuff later.
• Pinpoint your biggest stressor: Go through a day or two with a pen and paper handy, and jot down everything that stresses you out as it happens. OR sit back (when you’re relaxed) and visualize your typical day; make a list of all the things you dread doing. Part of what gets people about stress is that it feels uncontrollable. When you get specific and have a concrete list, life starts to feel manageable. Decide what really gets your adrenaline going, and focus on changing that first.
• Cut back on one thing: If your issue is that you’ve got too much to do around the house between the cooking, cleaning, taking caring of the dog, and shuttling kids to school and activities, choose one night (or two or three) that you’ll order dinner out or pick up a prepared meal at the grocery store. In many cases, being overscheduled is the culprit so figure out what you can say no to.
• Prioritize: Make a list of what has to be done by this morning, the end of the day and the end of the week. Focus on what needs to be finished fist, then move down the list. Often what makes us panic is the big picture – not the three things we have to get done by today, but the 17 things we have to do by the end of the week.
With four steps down you can make these anti-stress moves part of your everyday schedule.
• Move: Regular daily exercise can lower levels of stress hormones
• Pop on headphones: Any music lover knows that listening to your favorite tunes can make you less tense almost immediately
• Chat on the phone with a friend: It keeps your social bonds strong, which gives you an overall feeling of support and belonging.
• Take a deep belly breath: Abdominal breathing increases the amount of oxygen in your blood, triggering the brain to decrease the concentration of stress hormones.

When I started writing here I thought that blogging as a single parent would offer a needed voice on our parenting blog. I hope I’ve been right. But something’s changed.

Several people have asked me if I am truly a single parent — my girlfriend among them. Well, yes and no. I am divorced and therefore unmarried. And I am a parent. But am I single? In one sense, yes. In another, no, as in, I’m spoken for. So it sent me on a quest for a more accurate label. It didn’t take much thought to figure out that my girlfriend and I have a blended family, as I’ve blogged about before: We live together with our children from prior relationships.

But do I have a right to the single-parent tag? I share some issues with truly single parents, and not others. I seem to share all the issues with parents in blended families.

Ultimately, I’m not so sure it matters. My point in joining this blog was that there were many of us out here living with children in non-traditional homes, and that continues to be the case. That also seems to be the issue — and the point. I also have several years of experience as a truly single parent, which led me to this point.

Hopefully, all of us who find ourselves single with kids will make the same journey from single parent to blended family. With any luck, that transition will lead us to a traditional blended family of onetime single parents.

But perhaps that’s a blog for another day.

I was listening to one of the presidential primary debates recently and someone threw out a reference to child care costs, and how some Americans had trouble managing the $1,000 monthly cost. $1,000? Talk about low end. Move to Westchester, then we’ll talk child care costs.

I’m sure someone out there can point to one or two pre-K placements in the region that comes in at $1,000, whether it’s through subsidized care programs or otherwise. Personally, I don’t know of any under $1,200, and that’s being generous.

Either way, the point is well taken: Child care costs a small fortune, and it’s a serious issue in the nation right now. For a divorced or single parent, it could be a huge fortune.

Greater minds than mine have delved into this, and here we still are. What I was able to find was an article on this at the Child Care Aware website. Perhaps it’s not the definitive help list on this, but it does offer some suggestions on managing child care costs.

So, while we wait for the presidential hopefuls to find a way to deliver the goods, let’s get a little proactive.

I can’t say I’m a numbers geek, but I do like to look at the figures now and again to see how things play out demographically. With that in mind, this is new data from the U.S. Census that found that 94 percent of kids in the nation live with at least one biological parent.

Of course, that covers a wide range of scenarios, from traditional mom-dad-kids homes to blended families to single-parent homes. Perhaps more telling is another statistic: That 61 percent of kids lived with both biological parents, whether they’re married or not. This might be one of those glass half-full or half-empty questions. Is that a positive statistic? Or is the number not high enough?

Raising kids isn’t easy. It’s even harder when they’re not yours.

And there are two distinct sides to the dynamic: Your child and your partner’s child.

Yours: You have to learn to relinquish control, and allow that your partner is going to be in a parenting role with your child — regardless of how subtly you introduce them to the role. This has admittedly been hard for me, only because my son and I had been alone for so many years and established, not only a strong bond, but a set of rules that revolved around the two of us. I’m learning.

Partner’s: This is not your biological child, and he has a father. Yet, you are in a parenting role, again, regardless of how slowly you enter into it. This is a tough balancing act for me, because I want my girlfriend’s son to continue to like me and accept me. But I also have to adhere to the rules set out for him, and correct misconduct when it’s necessary. I’m trying to find that balance.

Well, here are some things to keep in mind, from a link that was forwarded to me. But it’s also a “gut” thing, and you have to work with your partner to ensure all the kids in the home — biological kids and stepkids alike — feel that the rules apply evenly to them. We’re working on that balance as well.

Because if you’re trying to build a blended family, you have to accept that they really are yours after all.

With so many unmarried couples moving in together, it was only a matter of time before lawyers figured out a way to make some cash from the situation. So now there’s an increase in cohabitation agreements, which lay out the rules for out-of-wedlock couples. This doesn’t apply just to single parent blended families, but having kids in the mix ups the stakes a bit for single parents.

I’m not pushing for the agreements, but think it’s a good idea to have some questions addressed and some issues ironed out in those situations. This is something we’ve addressed piecemeal in our home, and something we need to go back and address in more detail.

With that in mind, I found this checklist for couples who are sharing a home but not a marriage. It’s another one of those tip sheets I love to put out there, as I think they lay the groundwork for serious discussion in single-parent and blended-family households. At least it’s a start.

It’s not as if I need another book on my reading list, which is already backed up. But this one seems worth a look.

To hear him tell it, single dad blogger Trey Ellis had been plotting this out for a heck of a long time, even before he began writing in earnest three years ago. Initially, he simply sought to put together a memoir of his experiences as a single father. It kind of ended up being a little bit more than that.

“I was determined to capture the unvarnished truth,” he told me, “so I included events that evoke pity: my parents’ early deaths, my wife leaving me to raise our then three-year-old girl and eight-month-old boy, as well as revulsion: Internet porn and Brazilian hookers, as well as envy: beautiful French actresses, models, and an Italian countess.”

“As you will see in the book, the reason it took so long to finish was that I was living a life in search of an ending.”

Well, at least he seems to have found an ending for his book. Bedtime Stories: Adventures in the Land of Single-Fatherhood makes me envious because I wish I had thought of it first.

But most of all, Bedtime Stories has me curious and interested to pick it up when it hits the bookshelves. Trey, who’s one of the single parent bloggers I’ve tracked down and put on the blogroll here, seems poised for some success with this. He’s even gotten an endorsement from writer Naomi Wolf, who called it “moving, funny, down-to-earth, sexy and delightful.”

So, best of luck to Trey. It’s on the top of my list.

Interesting blog item on the Fathers and Families website. It deals with “moveaways,” or the process whereby children of divorced or separated parents are moved to a new home. It’s clearly a legitimate issue, but I think there are other elements at work in many of those situations, and certainly in the example cited in the blog.

When my ex and I split, she argued for us to keep the house so my son would have one home he was already comfortable with. My view was that if he had two loving homes, it would not matter as much, particularly given his young age. But I gave in and the home remains one of the two he shares time in. Has it been a factor in his adjustment? Hard to say. But I have to concede it didn’t hurt.

In general, I think relocating children is probably not the best scenario if it can be avoided. Sometimes, particularly in divided families, it is routinely unavoidable. According to the ‘moveaways’ blog that I referred to above, moving children in those situations is harmful, and several studies are cited. It is undoubtedly a debatable point, as the blogger himself expresses. And then he cites a case study involving a Massachusetts couple.

In truth, I’m not sure it’s the best example, since there seems to be some intense emotional tension between the parents in the relationship, something which directly impacts the kids. To me, that level of animosity between parents is a more damaging factor in most divorce situations than the simple act of moving a child to a new home after a separation or divorce.

But that’s just the way I see it.

I always have a mixed reaction when I come across advice for single dads.

On the one hand, it’s gratifying, helpful and reassuring when there’s actually something written for single/separated/divorced fathers. There’s just not as much for us out there.

On the other hand, it seems like dads are characterized as the secondary parent. Whether or not that’s the case statistically in terms of single-parent homes nationwide, it always frustrates me that single dads are assumed to have lesser custody status and little time for the kids. Maybe I’m just reading that into it, maybe not.

And perhaps we do have to step up more. But most of the single dads that I know love their kids, make time and, in many cases, split custody 50-50, the way my ex and I do. So when do we get equal billing? Have we earned it?

With that in mind, I did my regular surfing on The Single Parents Network this morning and came across one such article for single fathers. It’s on the site’s father’s link, which is one of the features I like about the network.

It’s a very good tips list, which regular readers know is something I’m fond of posting. But what’s with tip 1? Other than a glitch that makes the print tiny (not great for my aging eyes), it seems to assume an absentee dad. Or am I reading too much into it again?

 This is a process, this whole separeted/divorced thing. I’m sure there’s a study somewhere that breaks it down scientifically. Some would likely say you go through the stages of death. Others would say it’s just that—a process.

Well, if you’re in that boat, you have your own version. It’s never easy to split from your mate, and particularly so if you have kids in the mix. There’s hurt, guilt, anger, etc. If you’ve read my blog with any regularity, you know that the kids in the mix is always a priority for me, whatever the dynamics.

But there’s also comfort in knowing you’re not the only one that went through it. And sometimes the web is the best place to find a diary of the process. That’s how I came upon Richard, otherwise known as the blogger, The Separated Man.

He brings his own story to the table, and does a good job of being open, honest and blunt about the emotions and trials he’s going through. He’s also in the minority, as he’s a single dad blogging about his experiences. Statiscally, separated/divorced dads are fewer in numbers than single moms, so it stands to reason that there’d be fewer of us blogging out there.

So, Richard becomes the latest member of the network of single/separated/divorced parents I’m trying to build. My ultimate goal is to link moms and dads in those situations through our blogs. Hope you’ll find The Separated Man a good addition.

And check out the blogroll on the main Parents Place site. Always open to new adds.

I heard another horror story today about a divorced couple and the nightmare they’re putting their young daughter through. I hate these stories, but there’s no denying they’re way too common.

In this scenario, the parents are feuding over custody time and several other details. The father listens in on phone conversations the little girl has with the mom, and took away a cell phone the mom bought the girl — at the child’s request so mother and daughter could talk privately at her dad’s house. The mom, on the other hand, has made unreasonable demands in the custody schedule.

There’s really no winner in a situation like that. And divorced parents need to take account of the lingering emotional distress this causes children even in adulthood, long after they have built their own lives. I can count several close friends who have dealt with the dysfunction of a broken home for years, some more intensely than others.

I think that’s why it’s vital that parents who go through the separation or divorce process check their own emotions when kids are involved. With that in mind, the Single Parents Network put together a good check-list for parents to keep in mind when going through a divorce. It’s not necessarily the definitive list, but the tips for divorcing parents falls into the category of food for thought.

It seems like such a small thing to consider for the sake of a child — and the adult they’ll become.

There’s little doubt that Internet dating is increasingly popular among single parents. I mean, most single parents I know are looking for a companion, and a lot of them are turning to the web to restart their social lives. A lot of them.

I think it’s for obvious reasons: Single parents have less free time to get involved in traditional dating rituals, less patience for the “dating game,” and, since they’ve likely been “burned” in some relationship capacity, they like being able to surf profiles to be more selective about who they express interest in. With kids in the picture, being selective is particularly appealing.

Personally, I don’t know too many single parents who haven’t delved into it in some capacity. I do know some who have met mates through groups like Parents Without Partners, preferring the face-to-face encounters that offers, as well as the child-friendly atmosphere it provides. But most folks I know like the convenience of the Internet, and know that the stigma and fear of online dating seems to have subsided a bit in recent years among both parents and non-parents.

But how does one get involved? The top dating sites are certainly active, but not particularly designed for single parents. If you’re considering it, the advice I give single-parent friends is to surf around and read up on some single-parent dating sites. There are plenty out there. But avoid “younger” sites, and hunt down what appeals to you. Then be selective and don’t compromise.

One single-dad blogger who reached out to me this week is putting together an online site that seeks to help. It’s not a dating site per se, but Single Parent Romance offers links to some. More importantly, he’s putting together a list of online resources for single parents and will link relevant blogs in an attempt to create an online community.

I’d put it out there as a good starting point. And remember, while it’s not for everyone, there’s nothing wrong with having options.