So I asked the Pumpkin what she wanted me to make for her to eat on her fourth birthday. She said, “rice and cabbage.” Perhaps I’m taking the idea of teaching her healthy eating habits a bit too far.

Seriously, though, my child is as vulnerable to the allure of junk food as anyone’s. Even though dinner always includes at least two vegetables and her lunch is often a big plate of broccoli with parmesan cheese, she has a big sweet tooth and a taste for french fries. A taste, I’ll admit, that is my fault.

It all started last fall shortly after she began taking dance lessons on Saturdays. To say that her compliance in obeying the teacher was poor is an understatement (more on that another time). To encourage her to follow directions, I made a deal with her (we’re big on deals): If she obeys, she gets a treat of french fries at the neighboring cafe. Well, two seasons later and this reward is pretty firmly seated in her synapses. She knows that if she has a good class, she will be eating french fries.

It’s a big treat for her. I do feel a bit unhappy about it because I know she enjoys it so much, and I fear I am circuiting her brain to perceive food as reward. Next year, I am going to try introducing something different, like a trip to the bookstore. Though that has the problem of being expensive and teaches another problematic behavior: shopping. Maybe I can think about an experience as a reward that’s free and desirable.

In the meantime, I’ll make her the cabbage (purple) and rice on her birthday. (Though NOT at her party. I won’t subject our family to cabbage for a celebration!)

When my son was just a few months old, our pediatrician promised he’d be sleeping through the night by the time he was 6-months old.

Okay maybe she didn’t promise. But we should have had her define ‘through the night’. His version is nothing like what we were led to believe.

Now 13 months, he goes to bed between 6 and 7 pm, depending on how many times he interrupts his bottle or book reading to march back and forth across his room waving a piece of paper, or a block, or his teddy bear or whatever else is at hand. 

When he finally has enough milk, one of four things happens: the bottle is finished and he has fallen asleep and we put him in the crib; the bottle is finished, he pushes it away and goes off on another marchfest; the bottle isn’t finished but he’s asleep and we put him in the crib; the bottle isn’t finished, he pushes it away and goes off on another marchfest. 

Options 1 and 3, we love. Options 2 and 4 usually extend bedtime by 30 to 45 minutes. But its OK. He’s adorable and usually in good spirits at this point. 

He routinely wakes up after that sometime between 10 and midnight. 

There is nothing cuter than the half-asleep pose he assumes sitting there in a corner of his crib. There is nothing more frustrating than not knowing what it is he wants since he’s not talking to us yet (I mean, he’s talking but we have no idea what he’s saying). Sometimes, it takes another bottle, sometimes a diaper change, sometimes a walk around the apartment in the stroller. 

I’ve heard people put their young kids into the car and drive around the block a few times. I live in Manhattan. I’ll do anything for my son short of give up a parking spot.

Getting back to ‘through the night’, the hardest part is when he wakes up for good, usually between 4 and 5 in the morning. Through the night should mean ‘until it’s light out’ or at least when I can raise the blinds and show him something other than the bread and newspaper trucks.

When I’m really, really, really tired I put on a DVD of one of the original Sesame Street episodes, stick him in the Pack n’ Play and slink off back to bed. He usually cries for a few minutes but then gets that deer in headlights look when he’s mesmerized by a television show. 

One morning the reprieve lasted just 24 minutes. When I went to the living room to see what had happened, I realized I had put on Jack’s Big Music Show instead of Sesame Street. Lesson of that day was to always make sure to set him up with an hour-long show.

It seems this issue has been around forever. In 2006, a group of parents and advocacy groups threatened to sue Kelloggs and Viacom, Nickelodeon TV’s parent company, over the peddling of unhealthy food on commercials during shows like Spongebob Squarepants. In 2007, Kelloggs agreed to get more health-aware, and the suit was dropped.

But with Spongebob still flipping greasy crabby patties, and sugar-laced cereal still being plugged on the tube, it seems a lot of parents and advocates are still up in arms. The current issue of Best Life, put out by Men’s Health Magazine, takes issue with corporate cartoons and lists how to fight back. In October, the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood took issue with the whole health thing as well. And I understand the concern, as kids’ waistlines are growing and growing. But aren’t we missing the point?

I mean, isn’t this whole thing about parenting? It seems to me the best thing I can do to make my son healthier is to buy him healthier foods to eat, and perhaps to eat healthier myself — something my girlfriend has had an incredibly positive influence on. If the kids want fruity-sugar cereal, you just say no. Am I off on this?

Who knew that by making Pumpkin a delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I’m not just feeding her a protein-packed lunch but helping the planet?

That’s the message of the PB&J Campaign, which exhorts the environmentally minded among us to pass up the chicken salad: “You recycle. You choose organic. You conserve energy. Now take at-home environmentalism to the next level.”

The idea, of course, is that plants like peanuts and strawberries and wheat take less energy, water and land to turn into food compared to livestock like cows and pigs.

It turns out that every day you eat a PB&J for lunch instead of a hamburger or grilled cheese, you save the same amount of carbon dioxide — about 2.5 pounds worth — that you would if you drove a Prius, according to the campaign. Eating just five PB&J sandwiches a month saves so much water that it’s like installing a low-flow showerhead.

The goal of the campaign is to get people to eat lunches that don’t include meat, fish, eggs or dairy products. Of course, that means any plant-based meal would work the same way as a PB&J. That makes it work even for those families who have a child with a food allergy. In my household, we particularly like humus with cucumber slices as well as tabouli. (As well as PB, of course, as you can see by this snapshot of Pumpkin gobbling a slice of whole wheat smeared with the sticky stuff.)

For those of us who can eat nuts without any side effects except too many calories, PB&J does seem like a friendly food to market as an alternative to the meat-based lunch. If you’re looking for a fun alternative to the traditional PJ&B, you can get some inspiration from the folks at Peanut Butter & Co. in Manhattan. When my husband and I visited their restaurant in Greenwich Village (at 240 Sullivan St.), several years back, we had a lot of fun trying unusual sandwich combinations with peanut butter. Since then, the company has started marketing jars of its peanut butter in stores, so you can try flavors like Mighty Maple, Dark Chocolate Dreams or Cinammon Raisin at home.

What do you think: Are you ready to sink your teeth into gooey goodness to help the Earth?

Like most kids, Pumpkin is far from immune to the joys of ice cream. This has always been fine with me. She doesn’t drink enough milk to begin with, and we’ve always tried to find ways to get extra healthy calories in her slender body. But this year, she has discovered the pleasure of a dubious treat: Ice cream bars, or as we call them in our house, “ice cream on a stick.”

This obsession started in April when I bought her an eclair-style ice cream bar on a whim after an energetic workout at Reis Park in Somers. There is always an ice cream truck parked near the playground there in the warm weather. Well, the tastiness of the treat and the novelty of visiting the truck and eating the ice cream in the car on the way home made quite the impression. And, if that wasn’t enough, she started asking us to read a cute little board book we have at home that’s shaped like an ice cream truck (before this, she didn’t quite get the point of the book).

Now, every time we go to Reis Park, Pumpkin begs for “ice cream on a stick.” Apart from the outrageous cost — $3 a bar — the fact is that these treats are far from ideal nutrionally. Back when she was content with the now-boring ice cream in dish, I bought all-natural ice cream that had ingredients I recognized. But just look at this list from the Good Humor Chocolate Eclair:

INGREDIENTS: ICE CREAM: NONFAT MILK, SUGAR, MILKFAT, CORN SYRUP, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, WHEY, MONO- AND DIGLYCERIDES, CELLULOSE GUM, GUAR GUM, POLYSORBATE 65 AND 80, CARRAGEENAN, ARTIFICIAL AND NATURAL FLAVORS. CHOCOLATE CORE: WATER, CORN SYRUP, SUGAR, COCOA (PROCESSED WITH ALKALI), MODIFIED SOY PROTEIN, GUAR GUM, MODIFIED CELLULOSE, LOCUST BEAN GUM, POLYSORBATE 80. COATING: CAKE CRUNCH [BLEACHED WHEAT FLOUR, SUGAR, PALM OIL, SALT, SOY LECITHIN, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVORS, BAKING SODA], SOYBEAN OIL, COCONUT OIL, SUGAR, CHOCOLATE LIQUOR, DRY WHOLE MILK, SOY LECITHIN, SALT, ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR.

Here is my question: Has anyone ever seen a “healthy” version of an ice cream bar? I did some nosing on the Web and found one company called Mister Cookie Face in Lakewood, N.J., that makes organic novelties under the Woodlake Farms brand. But I’ve never seen them in local stores.

What do the rest of you parents do when it comes to dubious treats like these? And, before you all point out the obvious: Yes, I realize she is 3 years old. No, she doesn’t have her own money. Yes, I do in fact buy these for her. And, no, she couldn’t get them on her own. What, you say? Just stop? Well, it would take a tougher parent than I am to say no to her calls for “ice cream on a stick.” She just loves them too much. My goal is to find a manufacturer who makes these with, oh, let’s say five ingredients total, including milk, cream, sugar and chocolate — and without high fructose corn syrup.

Since we’re on the topic of ice cream, I thought you all might enjoy some links I found in my research. Here is a discussion of the history of ice cream, which has been enjoyed in this country since the days of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson — making it an especially fitting treat for the upcoming Fourth of July holiday. And here is a link to an article in the National Archives on the origins of Good Humor and Popsicle novelties, originally called “ice cream suckers” and billed as a more convenient way to eat ice cream. Pumpkin would certainly agree.

One of the advantages of having shared custody of your child is that there’s a limit to the number torturous school assignments you have to do for the kid. Obviously, my ex ends up with half of them because of our 50-50 custody deal.

And I don’t mean arts & crafts for art projects, or books to complete assignments, or visits to museums or zoos to complete written research projects. Those are concrete tasks that you can justify as advancing your child’s education and creativity.

But what’s the educational benefit to cooking three pounds of bacon?

I’m talking about the extra-curricular events like class picnics and holiday celebrations. You know, when your child comes home and tells you he volunteered to make six dozen blintzes, or hard boil 96 eggs, or cook french fries for 40 kids and teachers. A co-worker told me this morning that his daughter committed him and his wife to make fruit salad for 30 kids. She neglected to mention this until this morning, the day of the event. So take a swing by Super Stop & Shop and look for a mom frantically buying up all the fruit.

On my end, my 10-year-old volunteered to cook bacon for the class breakfast today. I’ll give him credit for telling me three days ago, so there was no last-minute shopping. Of course, I made it clear that blueberry muffins or orange juice would’ve been preferred. But the kid likes bacon. And that’s a good thing, because he’ll be smelling it around the house for weeks to come.

Don’t get me wrong: My ex has shouldered her share of these tasks since our divorce. It’s just that the time-intensive — and smelly — ones always seem to land on the days our son is with me. And the thing is there’s more to come, because my girlfriend’s 4-year-old will have to cook up his own batch of bacon sooner or later. Ah, parenting.

But such are the pleasures of a blended family. And it does make us a family, with all the annoyances, burdens and hurdles that come with any family. And that makes it seem less torturous, even if there are a few pounds of bacon here and there.

This is a belated post about Easter. We’ve had a busy week in our family. My mom went into the hospital in New York on Wednesday for surgery and I’ve been down there every day. But I wanted to put my thoughts out here on Easter and our traditions because this year they were tested — and stood up to the test.

We learned last month that my mom would be having surgery in March, but we didn’t know which date. This immediately put our usual plans for Easter in flux. For the past three years, my mom and my husband’s two sisters and parents have gathered at our house. The first time was the year I was pregnant with the Pumpkin. It was a wonderful day. We were so joyful with anticipation of the baby. And I was so excited to share my family’s traditional Polish Easter recipes with my husband’s Italian family. (Even if I had to keep going outside to get fresh air to clear up my morning sickness.) The next year was even more special. Pumpkin, who was born three months early, had been forbidden from contact with other kids until she was 15 pounds — a milestone she had just reached around Easter. Easter 2006 was the first time she met her cousins. Last year was special, too, as Pumpkin participated in an egg hunt for the first time, and enjoyed chocolate Easter bunny for the first time.

So, when the complication of the surgery came up this year, I was initially reluctant to cancel Easter. We hoped my mom would be a few weeks past her surgery and ready to celebrate. Then, a series of events put those hopes on hold. Her surgery ended up moving to the end of March. My mother-in-law got sick with a condition she’s still recovering from. And my sister-in-law’s family had some troubles of their own. No one was up for a big Easter celebration outside their own homes. My first reaction to the breakup of our usually big party of nine adults and six kids was to wonder whether it would be worth the trouble of cooking for the smaller gathering of my husband, my mom, myself and Pumpkin. We contemplated going out to a brunch, but in the end, I decided to make the feast.

Last Saturday, the Pumpkin and I went down to the Yonkers Miasarnia on Lockwood Avenue and bought a WHOLE Polish ham and a kielbasa as well as a poppy-seed coffee cake and a babka. That night, we dyed Easter eggs and I baked the cake part of our annual bunny cake. (My mom made the boiled frosting the next morning and applied the coconut and licorice whiskers and jellybean eyes.)  I got up early on Easter and got the ham in the oven and peeled and chopped potatoes. I prepped the asparagus for roasting in the oven while the ham rested. Shortly before the ham was ready, I started boiling the sauage for the traditional Barscz, or white Polish Easter soup. It’s a cream soup made with the broth of Polish sausage that I’ve eaten nearly every Easter of my life since childhood. Making it for Pumpkin got me thinking about how tradition-bound we become when we become parents. It’s not Easter for me without Barscz — and it makes me happy to imagine that one day Pumpkin will feel the same way.

Julie’s Barscz

1 loop of traditional kielbasa
3 tablespoons flour
2 eggs, room temperature
1 pint heavy cream
1/4 cup cider vinegar
horseradish to taste
hard-boiled eggs
roasted Polish ham slices

Slice kielbasa into 2-inch pieces and boil until skin starts to pop. Remove from water. Add flour to cold water in a separate cup until it’s smooth. Add to the boiling sausage broth and cook for a few minutes. In a Pyrex cup or similar vessel, place eggs and beat. Start adding broth a few teaspoons at a time, beating all the while in order to “temper” the eggs. The idea is to get them to a warm temperature without cooking or curdling them. Add eggs to broth. Add heavy cream. Bring near a boil, but don’t boil. Add vinegar to taste. Add salt and white pepper to taste. At this point, we were done. We would then slice up the eggs and sausage and ham in a bowl, pour on the Barscz and throw in a dollop of horseradish. Yum! You might, however, opt to add the horseradish to the pot of soup for a less strong flavor. Either way, this is what the final result looks like:

And, to put the passage of time in perspective for us parents, here is Pumpkin’s first Easter and her most recent:

So, the eighth-grader who was punished with pretty harsh measures for buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate against school rules has been cleared of wrongdoing. Unfortunately, the reprieve didn’t come soon enough to allow him to attend an honor society dinner he missed as part of the punishment. If you didn’t see the earlier post, young Michael Sheridan of Connecticut drew the wrath of school officials because of his love for fruit-flavored candy. He initially was suspended from school and was stripped of his class vice president title. His mom raised a stir, which turned into a media frenzy, and the authorities backed down. Here is the New Haven Register story on the aftermath. And here is a feel-good follow-up on Michael’s new celebrity — and the Mars candy company’s promise to give the boy a lifetime supply of Skittles.

One day I am at the grocery store picking up a bottle of apple juice (very popular with the Pumpkin), and my usual brand-name juice is sold out. I look at the store brand and read the label more carefully than usual to make sure it doesn’t have added sugar, etc. I quickly notice a stamp that says the juice was made from concentrate from China. I am not too thrilled about that — not because of a kneejerk bias toward all Chinese products, but because I worry about what kind of pesticides are in use in foreign countries that have been outlawed in the United States. So, I keep looking, and wow, I soon discover that almost every apple juice bottle contains juice concentrate from China, regardless of brand name. And, if it’s not China, it’s another country — even an organic juice contains concentrate from Turkey. The only juice I can find that promises 100 percent U.S. apples is Mott’s Natural Apple Juice.

I learned last year when researching an article on the farm bill that New York is the No. 2 state in the country for apples. Apple growing is a $185 million business here in New York. Yet, here I am, a suburban New York mother, living in a state positively teeming with apples — and I almost can’t find juice made with U.S. apples, let alone local apples.

Finding the healthiest food for your child — that is, food with lots of nutrients but without harmful ingredients — can be a real challenge at the grocery store. I have pretty much rooted out everything with high-fructose corn syrup (with the exception of ketchup, without which Pumpkin would never eat eggs). I buy organic milk. We serve meals made with fresh vegetables every day. (Today’s dinner: a cup of red lentil soup with escarole and a slice of homemade whole-wheat cheese pizza.) And yet, I can’t help but feel frustrated when I think about having filled Pumpkin’s sippy cup with apple juice from China for nearly two years now.

This summer, we’re planning to join a local farm’s community-based agriculture program, which will give us a weekly share of the harvest. We do what we can. But when I think back to the recent slew of recalls from China, I think about all the dead animals who ate the tainted pet food. I plan to do more research on food safety. I want to find out how vulnerable we are to tainted food. Maybe the apple juice from China is perfectly fine. The U.S. Apple Association says it is. I’d love to hear from other parents about your own feelings on this. Do you check labels? How do you feel about your kids eating food made in China?

Michael Sheridan, an eighth-grader in Connecticut, bought a bag of Skittles in the hallway of his middle school. Because this is against school rules, he’s been suspended from school, will miss an honors student dinner and will have to give up his title as class vice president. You can read all about it in the New Haven Register.

My initial reaction was: “Wow, is the school nuts? This seems pretty extreme over candy, a food all of us as adults enjoyed in childhood without anyone turning it into a federal case.” Then, I started thinking about federal cases, in particular the one that’s unfolding here in New York. There are some interesting parallels going on. Eliot Spitzer broke some laws and he’s going to lose his office over it. But, the question must be asked: Are the school’s rules regarding candy as reasonable as our nation’s laws regarding money transfers and prostitution? In other words: Should a student be punished as severely as Sheridan is being punished for breaking rules that weren’t even rules a few short years ago? (Plus, it’s candy! Moms buy their kids candy! It’s harmless — unless you happen to eat it in large quantities, but that’s another issue. I wonder if this school that’s so keen to prevent children from ingesting one stray sugar molecule also has fully funded its gym programs?)

(I want to add: I don’t think the child should receive no punishment. After all, he did break a rule. But the punishment meted out seems in excess of the crime. Missing a dinner to honor his academic achievements seems counterproductive and stripping him of his class title seems overzealous. The analogy with Spitzer would be, I think, if he had been caught speeding. Sure, he would have been embarassed and met with censure for breaking the law. But would he have had to resign as governor? I don’t think so. The punishment should fit the crime.)

I’m working on the computer, and Pumpkin comes over to me for a little visit. When she opens her mouth to talk, I see her tongue is kind of a blue-green. I ask her to stick out her tongue to get a better look, and wow, it’s really pretty colorful. I then say: “What did you eat?” Pumpkin: “Play-Doh.” I say: “Show me.” She takes me by the hand and into the kitchen, where my mom is chopping vegetables for dinner and had set up Pumpkin at the table to amuse herself with Play-Doh in the meantime. Sure enough, there’s a big chunk of blue-green Play-Doh on the table. I ask: “How much did you eat?” Pumpkin: “Big! Big!” I look at the box and read labels warning that Play-Doh is not a food, but conversely, is also nontoxic. Feeling somewhat reassured, I give a little lecture on Play-Doh’s lack of desirability as a culinary experiment.

Later tonight, Pumpkin’s cheeks are looking really, really rosy and her upper lip looks a little swollen. Maybe it’s just the effect of the half-hour walk we took in the chilly late-afternoon air? Or, maybe, it’s the Play-Doh and some kind of allergic reaction? I Google “Poison Control Hotline” and get the number: 1-800-222-1222. (I think I’ll memorize it, now.) My husband talks to the nice lady and she assures us that Play-Doh is not a hazard, especially if our daughter has been eating and drinking, which she has. She’s asleep upstairs now, and her Play-Doh adventure is hopefully over. (Interestingly enough, the frequently asked questions, or FAQ, section on the Play-Doh Web site does NOT include the question: “What do I do if my child eats Play-Doh?” Although, it does include the information that Play-Doh is “primarily a mixture of water, salt and flour.”)

Even though eating Play-Doh isn’t harmful, this experience was a surprise for me because I thought Pumpkin knew better. She’s 2 and a half, and well past the oral stage. I thought she could distinguish between food and, well, everything else. It makes me aware that I have to be even more vigilant. And, of course, no more Play-Doh with lax supervision.

What have your kids eaten that gave you the shudders?

I have a child who loves to eat sushi – that’s right: Raw fish. I can’t even look at the stuff without getting queasy, but I tend to indulge her because seafood is such a healthful food, right?

Maybe not.

With all the talk about mercury and other nasty stuff lurking in our fish, I’m starting to wonder if I should continue to allow my daughter to eat sushi.

I guess other parents are wondering the same thing.

A group called KidSafe Seafood, which describes itself as “not-for-profit organization focused on ensuring a healthy ocean, and a healthy seafood supply, for the future” has come up with a list of “safe” sushi ideas for kids.

One is a standard California roll made with imitation crab meat — not a favorite in my family. The others are sushi -wanna bees: fruit, peanut butter, etc., dressed up to look like the real thing.

Take a look at the KidsSafe sushi party ideas here.

My colleague Cathey O’Donnell, a member of our crack data desk at The Journal News, passed this on to me this morning, and it certain was comforting news. I think it’s great that parents are paying more attention to what their kids are watching on TV and for how long. But what I found most reassuring in this report is the indication that parents are spending significantly more time sharing meals with their children and providing more positive reinforcement in general.

Anyway, you can surf through all the Census “data tables here”:http://www.census.gov/population/www/socdemo/2004_detailedtables.html and get some more details on your own. Here’s the press release the bureau put out today, with some highlights:

Parents More Active in Raising Their Children

Children Get Less Television Time

Parents are taking a more active role in the lives of their children than they did 10 years ago, according to data released today by the U.S. Census Bureau. For example, in 2004, 47 percent of teenagers had restrictions on what they watched on television, when they watched, and for how long, up from 40 percent in 1994.

A Child’s Day: 2004, examines the well-being of children younger than 18 and provides an updated look into how they spend their days. This series of 30 tables published by the U.S. Census Bureau is based on the Survey of Income and Program Participation (SIPP) and addresses children’s living arrangements, family characteristics, time spent in child care, academic experience, extracurricular activities and more.

According to this latest look into the lives of children, about 68 percent of 3- to 5-year-olds had limits on their television viewing, an increase from 54 percent in 1994. More children 6 to 11 found they, too, were living with restrictions on television: 71 percent in 2004 compared with 60 percent 10 years earlier.

In 2004, 53 percent of children younger than 6 ate breakfast with their parents every day (Table 7). That compared with only 22 percent of teenagers who ate breakfast with their parents each morning. Those percentages increased at the dinner table, where 78 percent of children younger than 6 ate dinner nightly with their parents, compared with 57 percent of teenagers.

According to the current data, parents continued to exert a positive influence on their children in other ways. Seventy-four percent of kids younger than 6 were praised by their mother or father three or more times a day (Table 6). The same was true for 54 percent of children 6 to 11 and 40 percent of 12- to 17-year-olds.

Children 1 to 2 were read to an average of 7.8 times in the previous week of the survey (Table 9), while children 3 to 5 were read to an average of 6.8 times in the previous week.

Other highlights:

• About half of all children 1 to 5 are read to seven or more times a week; 53 percent for 1- to 2-year-olds, and 51 percent for 3- to 5-year olds.

• The percentage of children participating in lessons, such as music, dance, language, computers, or religion, went up for 6- to 11-year olds, from 24 percent in 1994 to 33 percent in 2004 (Table 13).

• From 1994 to 2004, the percentage of children who changed schools went down for 6- to 11-year-olds, from 30 percent to 26 percent. For 12- to 17-year-olds, the percentage of children who changed schools dropped from 52 percent to 42 percent (Table 17).

• From 1994 to 2004, the number of children 12 to 17 who repeated a grade declined from 16 percent to 11 percent. For children 6 to 11, the rate remained the same at 7 percent.

SIPP produces national-level estimates for the U.S. resident population and subgroups, and allows for the observation of trends over time, particularly of selected characteristics, such as income, eligibility for and participation in transfer programs, household and family composition, labor force behavior, and other associated events.

Remember how easy it was to choose food for the baby during the first year? It was breast milk or formula and then rice cereal, strained peaches and Cheerios. As the options expand with each year, so do the challenges of creating menus that satisfy taste buds and nourish bodies. To get some expert advice on feeding everyone from picky toddlers to recalcitrant teens, I turned to a mom who is a professional food coach.

Today’s Questions & Parents feature, or Q&P for short, is with Pleasantville resident Hillary Marra, who has a consulting business called My Family Food Coach. She also is the co-founder of The Edible Garden at Bedford Road School in Pleasantville, where schoolchildren are growing, harvesting and eating their crops. She’s also a mom of three children, ages 16, 13 and 9.

Q: When you meet with your clients for the first time, what are you hearing about their eating habits?

P: The first thing I hear is how busy families are with parents working, volunteering and driving their kids to different activities. Behind that is a cry for help. There’s no extended family to pick up the task of making dinner. There’s also an underlying fear of failing with family food, since there are so many emotions intertwined. As uncomfortable as it is for 5 o’clock to roll around and you don’t know what you’re making for dinner, it’s familiar. It’s scarier for many people to set the menu on Sunday night and say, “Tomorrow we’re going to have chicken and rice.” When people come to me, they are worried about getting their kids to eat a healthy dinner, but I help them understand that dinner is just one of the meals of the day. Getting kids to eat healthy for life is a bigger investment.

Q: Why is this seemingly simple and timeless task — feeding ourselves and our kids — so complicated?

P: Parents lead busy lives, and the essential task of providing family meals is never-ending. This is not easy for everyone. Some parents need help planning, some with cooking, some with sidestepping the power struggles. Also, there is a fine line between giving too many choices and being too controlling with our family food. There are so many emotions involved with food. It can be stressful, and kids know when they can push the food button. It is our reaction to our children’s behavior we sometimes need to change. When our kids see their food behavior doesn’t get a rise out of us, they change their own food behavior. So the ultimate power within our reach is changing our response to their behavior instead of trying to change our children.

Q: What benefits have you seen when a family changes its eating habits — beyond perhaps losing a few pounds? Any interesting stories?

P: People come to me to get their kids to eat healthier, but what happens along the way is they stop fighting about food. They begin to have a closer relationship with their child because they are no longer waging daily battles with them over what they will eat. I remember being at the home of one mom and when she heard the sound of her daughter getting a snack, she called out, “Why are you opening the fridge?” I asked her if she would do the same thing if her daughter was slender, and she said, “Probably not.” The daughter was beautiful, she was curvy. Imagine if the only limited interaction between a teenage daughter and her mom is telling her to close the fridge? It distances her from her mother. It starts with these negative feelings and this lack of closeness. As parents, when we give up trying to be right and recognize we want our kids to eat healthy because we love them, we are then able to see the little things we can do on our end. Instead of trying to change our kids’ behavior, whether by bribery or by force, we can bring pleasure into the picture with simple daily efforts that work. When you stop the family food fight, relationships between parent and child deepen. If you are a mom whose daughter throws away the healthy lunch you pack, start a dialogue with your child. The conversation can begin by asking your daughters what they want to eat, how much, how often and how to balance this with other foods. Forbidden foods become less desirable when we are taught how to enjoy them in moderation. Trust me, I know. I am in this field of food coaching because I struggled as a teen, not knowing what to eat. I have kept 20 pounds off for 20 years when I stopped dieting and learned to eat healthy and enjoy all foods. Food conversations with our children can diffuse power struggles.

Q: How can we as parents get our kids interested in healthy food?

P: It’s important to welcome children into the kitchen by taking them to buy a cookbook or cooking utensils. It speaks volumes to buy fun trays and kitchen tools for kids — there’s an unspoken, “You belong, welcomeâ€? message. Most children, if welcomed into the kitchen, want to create and play with food. Many times people put gates at the kitchen door to keep their young children out. I ask clients, “How and when will you let them in?” If you increase their food experiences as toddlers, you’ll tap into their natural curiosity. When kids cook, they proudly own their food and want to eat it and it’s no longer about “good” food versus “bad” food. When kids grow their own food, they are also so invested in it. I co-founded The Edible Garden at Bedford Road School in Pleasantville with Andrea Garbarini so all 700 kindergarten through fourth graders would connect to and enjoy their fresh, healthy, curriculum-related crops in a hands-on way. When kids grow it, they want to eat radishes on baguettes with cream cheese, broccoli with dip and salad tacos and wraps. Sometimes it’s as easy as getting kids in the kitchen cooking, shopping together at the farmer’s market and having aesthetically pleasing fresh fruits and vegetables available when they’re hungry. Having their friends over for dinner is fun and effective. Creating basic, enjoyable rituals with fresh food goes a long way. Getting our kids to eat healthy can start by simply saying less. When they taste new foods, resist the temptation to make a big deal about their liking the foods, and instead praise them for being good at trying new foods.

Q: What are some basic strategies all parents can try to get their households eating healthier?

P: Simple things parents can do and feel good about is having cut up fruits and vegetables with dip at eye level in the fridge ready when kids are hungry at 5 p.m. Change the word “dinner� to “food time� and our shoulders will go down a notch. Five o’clock comes every day and with a simple plan, we can enjoy rather than dread this part of the evening. The 5 o’clock plan helps keep kids from reaching for packaged snacks or melting down because they’re hungry while we’re trying to hang on to pulling off the perfect home-cooked meal called dinner. Put the fruit, veggies, and dip on the table and say food time will be soon. These simple new strategies we take on are more effective than trying to change our child. Another thing parents can do is to know what nights they absolutely can’t cook because they get home too late. Opt for some healthy takeout like Greek salad with soup, hummus and pita or anything grilled or sautéed rather than deep fried. I teach simple recipes and what to have on hand in the house. Any of these ideas implemented slowly and consistently, equals success. Sometimes we try to change too much all at once. One change a month equals 12 a year, and that’s something to feel great about!

Q: How much of this is mental? That is, if you make excuses about being busy, you give yourself and your family permission to order pizza yet again?

P: You’re right, so much is mental. It’s hard for some parents to figure out food on their own. I, too, would order pizza again if I didn’t have other strategies in place or food in the house. When eating right becomes easy, enthusiasm enters the picture. When we enjoy good-tasting food without fighting and everyone eats something, not only is the dread of family meals removed, we also have more time and energy to focus on other things we enjoy. Much of this happens with a plan in place, for example, knowing in advance what day of the week will be planned pizza, rather than thinking all day about what’s for dinner. Rather than play short-order cook, it’s helpful to serve parts of the meal where everyone likes something. An example of this is to make turkey tacos for the two children who like it, while making a turkey burger for the third child who doesn’t.

Q: What’s a typical weekday dinner for you?

P: On a planned pizza day we’ll order pizza plain or with vegetable toppings, sautéed broccoli on the side and lentil soup from a local pizzeria. People love hearing that my kids eat frozen food or take-out on busy days. On days I can cook, we’ll have turkey burgers or tacos, chicken fajitas, grilled salmon, or baked chicken parmesan with pasta and broccoli. I look to rev foods up a notch to make them more healthful by baking instead of frying and, when ordering take-out, add healthful foods, like the soup and broccoli, with the pizza order.

Q: Any favorite recipe you’d like to share that kids are guaranteed to love?

P: Most kids like quesadillas, my revving it up version takes three ingredients and five minutes, and it’s a delicious, healthy dish high in protein and fiber!

Hillary’s quesadillas

Ingredients: whole wheat or white flour tortillas, organic low-fat shredded mozzarella or other type of cheese, 1 can of black beans, drained.

Place one tortilla in skillet without adding any butter or oil.
Sprinkle shredded cheese to cover surface of tortilla.
Place a thin layer of drained beans on top of cheese.
Top with second tortilla.
Cook on low flame several minutes, flipping until each side of quesadilla is lightly browned and cheese is melted.
Cut into pieces and serve.

Q: What are your children’s favorite foods?

P: Some of my three kids’ favorite foods are chocolate, sugar and hot dogs. Don’t think I’m kidding! We have balance because the one who loves chocolate also loves salads and whole grains; the one who loves sugar loves beans, cooked broccoli and raw carrots; and the one who loves hot dogs loves soup and cooked vegetables. They all love fruit. I emphasize cooked versus raw vegetables because one way of sidestepping a power struggle is feeding vegetables to your child the way they like them. Having the child who doesn’t like raw vegetables make the salad dressing and proudly tossing the salad goes farther than force in getting them to taste it. When they do taste it, we succeed if we praise their trying something new, not whether or not they like it. We just have to remember not to comment too much. I encourage parents to stay away from force and bribery, which can backfire. I have worked with adult clients who don’t eat certain foods because they were forced to as kids.

Q: What do you always have on hand for snacks?

P: I always have salsa and tortilla chips and pretzels in the house as well as fruit, baby carrots, broccoli, yogurt, antibiotic-free turkey and organic cheese. I do excel at having a plan and having a beautiful fruit platter or veggies and dip at eye-level in the fridge at 5 p.m. for the kids to grab when they’re starving. Talking less about food and acting with a plan works.

Q: What’s your strategy for balancing healthy eating with the allure of snack foods that your kids undoubtedly encounter in friends’ houses and at the grocery store?

P: I like to have ingredients on hand in case we feel like making things on a whim like apple crisp, banana or pumpkin bread or oatmeal raisin cookies. This one hour of baking teaches kids the skills they need to feel comfortable in the kitchen for life and feeds them homemade goodies that crowd out the store bought ones. Kids’ taste buds do develop. If they are raised on processed foods, that’s what they will prefer. When the kids go to friends’ houses, it’s more important to bond with the friends than judge the food. There are five meals a day, and healthy eating is something that happens over time rather than making every meal perfect. They need to learn how to eat the other stuff in moderation. My approach is realistic and not rigid. For example, one day my son and I went to Friendly’s and he saw a picture of a humungous burger with the works. I took a step back and said I could be a food warden or I could understand this is only one meal. I choose to ease up and bond with my kid. I said, “Listen to your body and have as much as you want, but stop eating when you’re full.” Then the waitress came over and said, “You get two free scoops of ice cream with your meal,” I could have keeled over. I said we would get it to go, hoping it would melt in the car or I could put it in the freezer at home to save it for another time.

Q: How do you help a child focus on eating right and yet at the same time not over-emphasize food to the point where he or she starts to question themselves and get obsessed with weight or dieting?

P: I’ve kept 20 pounds off for 20 years when I stopped dieting and learned to eat healthy. The depriving approach makes forbidden foods more desirable. Being a role model, especially for mothers, is a huge opportunity. Instead of controlling our children with food, we can show that we can eat sitting and when hungry rather than when stressed or for other reasons. We can let our daughters hear us proudly ask for jeans for curvy shapes if that is our body type. We can show them we feel good about ourselves with food and then go forth to live our best lives. When our food is in order we are free to enjoy everything else life has to offer.

Thank you very much to Hillary for sharing her knowledge by doing a Q&P! If you would like to be featured, or you know any parents who have expertise to share, please comment here on the blog or send me an e-mail at jalterio@lohud.com.

And, in case you missed them, here are links to earlier Q&P features. There are interviews with more than a dozen moms and dads, including a dog trainer dad, financial planner mom, writer mom, mathematician mom, baker mom, drug counselor mom and pediatric dentist mom.