I knew it would start sooner or later. It still stinks.

On Wednesday, I drove my son to school and, as is our norm, I parked in the lot and we walked into the building together. This has been something of a routine when he’s with me that we’ve done since pre-K, through various school buildings. In past, we’ve chatted a bit, joked with each other and I’ve waited with him until the bell rang and he had to get to class.

This time, he walked in ahead of me, and started talking to some friends, seemingly oblivious to my presence. I called out to him, he looked, I said, “bye?” He replied by sheepishly giving an unenthusiastic wave, clearly embarrassed. So I left, heart wounded.

I’ve always known there would come a time when he’d not want to have his dad there when he was with friends. I figured it out early on, in kindergarten, when he first asked me not to hug him goodbye in front of his classmates. I understood.

But somehow this got to me a bit. Probably that’s because it’s an indication of things to come, the years ahead when he will spend more and more time out with friends than at home playing X-Box or watching a movie with is dad, or out at the park playing ball or sled riding in the winter with his old man.

Obviously, it has to be that way, and it should be that way.

But for now, it just stinks.

The video was striking: Four teenagers beating up a fifth teen during a violent encounter at a church parking lot in Ossining. At some point local cops said the kid taking the beating got a seven-inch gash across his neck. A 16-year-old girl is also punched in the face, and is threatened with more, at which point she walks away.

This was from a story we ran in recent days. Police said neither of the teens were seriously injured: The gash was apparently not very deep. The video itself, which was posted on YouTube by one of the kids later charged in the incident, has since been pulled off the Internet.

So, why is this on a parenting blog? Well, my very first thought when I saw it was, ‘Oh my God. What if that was my kid?’ It’s a horrifying thought. And what if it was one of our children doing the beating, since peer pressure can be a powerful draw?

To be fair, here’s what doesn’t worry me about this incident: It seems to be a “gang assault” in circumstance only. That is to say, it was a group, or “gang” of kids who are charged. They weren’t Bloods, or Latin Kings, or Hell’s Angels. They weren’t a real gang in the most frightening sense. It was just a group of kids seemingly beating another.

But that’s enough for me. It should be enough for all parents. Because regardless of how the criminal justice system deals with it, it is unacceptable, frightening and brutally dangerous. And it scares the heck out of me.

It doesn’t help when the act is downplayed, as seemed to be the case with a New York Times column on this in yesterday’s papers. Was too much made of the incident by my own newspaper? Some might think so, but I don’t. Should the Times have spoken to the Ossining police and not just one of the arrested teens, his parents and his lawyer? Some might think not, but I do.

Because while I know that schoolyard fights are going to happen, it shouldn’t happen this way. We, as parents, should care about it.

I was listening to one of the presidential primary debates recently and someone threw out a reference to child care costs, and how some Americans had trouble managing the $1,000 monthly cost. $1,000? Talk about low end. Move to Westchester, then we’ll talk child care costs.

I’m sure someone out there can point to one or two pre-K placements in the region that comes in at $1,000, whether it’s through subsidized care programs or otherwise. Personally, I don’t know of any under $1,200, and that’s being generous.

Either way, the point is well taken: Child care costs a small fortune, and it’s a serious issue in the nation right now. For a divorced or single parent, it could be a huge fortune.

Greater minds than mine have delved into this, and here we still are. What I was able to find was an article on this at the Child Care Aware website. Perhaps it’s not the definitive help list on this, but it does offer some suggestions on managing child care costs.

So, while we wait for the presidential hopefuls to find a way to deliver the goods, let’s get a little proactive.

I can’t say I’m a numbers geek, but I do like to look at the figures now and again to see how things play out demographically. With that in mind, this is new data from the U.S. Census that found that 94 percent of kids in the nation live with at least one biological parent.

Of course, that covers a wide range of scenarios, from traditional mom-dad-kids homes to blended families to single-parent homes. Perhaps more telling is another statistic: That 61 percent of kids lived with both biological parents, whether they’re married or not. This might be one of those glass half-full or half-empty questions. Is that a positive statistic? Or is the number not high enough?

Here’s the scenario: A group of kids in a pre-K class were given a homework assignment that required them to make a snowman. It was part of an arts & crafts project. Sounds good, right? Fun for the kids; some creative input from the parents.

This was at the pre-K where my girlfriend’s son goes, and she had fun helping him put together a snowman made from paper plates, glue, glitter, markers and some fluffy stuff. He was way proud, and should’ve been.

Now, we all know what happens in these situations. Some parents do the project for their kids so the kid will have the best one in the class. As if that’s the point. Anyway, it certainly was the case here. But that’s not the issue.

When they presented these things in the class, they actually gave awards for the best ones. That is to say, only two or three of the kids got rewarded, and most of the kids didn’t win an award, and got a certificate for doing it. Our little guy was heartbroken.

That strikes me as wrong. I’m all for teaching kids to be competitive and all. But at 3 and 4, I’d opt to give all the kids some kind of award, just to reward their efforts on the arts & crafts project.

What do you think?

Yesterday I wrote about my elder son getting his first college-acceptance letter. He’s growing up and this post documents one of the more surprising examples.

One workday a few months ago, I woke up to find my son ironing a dress shirt. Then he asked for help in knotting in his tie. This event  has repeated itself  on a weekly basis since then. Pretty shocking for a boy whose wardrobe from age seven consisted mainly of baggy jeans and t-shirts.

So what’s going on? The dress-up order came from my son’s high school basketball coach. Whenever the team visits another school for a basketball game, the players need to wear dress pants, shirt and tie.  An interesting idea, similar to what happened in the NBA some years back.

I’m certainly not complaining, even when it meant shopping with him shortly after Chrsitmas and buying him a some ties, dress shirts and dress pants. There are some surprises about parenthood that no one tells you about.

Have you noticed a similar transformation in your high school student? 

It’s not as if I need another book on my reading list, which is already backed up. But this one seems worth a look.

To hear him tell it, single dad blogger Trey Ellis had been plotting this out for a heck of a long time, even before he began writing in earnest three years ago. Initially, he simply sought to put together a memoir of his experiences as a single father. It kind of ended up being a little bit more than that.

“I was determined to capture the unvarnished truth,” he told me, “so I included events that evoke pity: my parents’ early deaths, my wife leaving me to raise our then three-year-old girl and eight-month-old boy, as well as revulsion: Internet porn and Brazilian hookers, as well as envy: beautiful French actresses, models, and an Italian countess.”

“As you will see in the book, the reason it took so long to finish was that I was living a life in search of an ending.”

Well, at least he seems to have found an ending for his book. Bedtime Stories: Adventures in the Land of Single-Fatherhood makes me envious because I wish I had thought of it first.

But most of all, Bedtime Stories has me curious and interested to pick it up when it hits the bookshelves. Trey, who’s one of the single parent bloggers I’ve tracked down and put on the blogroll here, seems poised for some success with this. He’s even gotten an endorsement from writer Naomi Wolf, who called it “moving, funny, down-to-earth, sexy and delightful.”

So, best of luck to Trey. It’s on the top of my list.

Interesting blog item on the Fathers and Families website. It deals with “moveaways,” or the process whereby children of divorced or separated parents are moved to a new home. It’s clearly a legitimate issue, but I think there are other elements at work in many of those situations, and certainly in the example cited in the blog.

When my ex and I split, she argued for us to keep the house so my son would have one home he was already comfortable with. My view was that if he had two loving homes, it would not matter as much, particularly given his young age. But I gave in and the home remains one of the two he shares time in. Has it been a factor in his adjustment? Hard to say. But I have to concede it didn’t hurt.

In general, I think relocating children is probably not the best scenario if it can be avoided. Sometimes, particularly in divided families, it is routinely unavoidable. According to the ‘moveaways’ blog that I referred to above, moving children in those situations is harmful, and several studies are cited. It is undoubtedly a debatable point, as the blogger himself expresses. And then he cites a case study involving a Massachusetts couple.

In truth, I’m not sure it’s the best example, since there seems to be some intense emotional tension between the parents in the relationship, something which directly impacts the kids. To me, that level of animosity between parents is a more damaging factor in most divorce situations than the simple act of moving a child to a new home after a separation or divorce.

But that’s just the way I see it.

I always have a mixed reaction when I come across advice for single dads.

On the one hand, it’s gratifying, helpful and reassuring when there’s actually something written for single/separated/divorced fathers. There’s just not as much for us out there.

On the other hand, it seems like dads are characterized as the secondary parent. Whether or not that’s the case statistically in terms of single-parent homes nationwide, it always frustrates me that single dads are assumed to have lesser custody status and little time for the kids. Maybe I’m just reading that into it, maybe not.

And perhaps we do have to step up more. But most of the single dads that I know love their kids, make time and, in many cases, split custody 50-50, the way my ex and I do. So when do we get equal billing? Have we earned it?

With that in mind, I did my regular surfing on The Single Parents Network this morning and came across one such article for single fathers. It’s on the site’s father’s link, which is one of the features I like about the network.

It’s a very good tips list, which regular readers know is something I’m fond of posting. But what’s with tip 1? Other than a glitch that makes the print tiny (not great for my aging eyes), it seems to assume an absentee dad. Or am I reading too much into it again?

I heard another horror story today about a divorced couple and the nightmare they’re putting their young daughter through. I hate these stories, but there’s no denying they’re way too common.

In this scenario, the parents are feuding over custody time and several other details. The father listens in on phone conversations the little girl has with the mom, and took away a cell phone the mom bought the girl — at the child’s request so mother and daughter could talk privately at her dad’s house. The mom, on the other hand, has made unreasonable demands in the custody schedule.

There’s really no winner in a situation like that. And divorced parents need to take account of the lingering emotional distress this causes children even in adulthood, long after they have built their own lives. I can count several close friends who have dealt with the dysfunction of a broken home for years, some more intensely than others.

I think that’s why it’s vital that parents who go through the separation or divorce process check their own emotions when kids are involved. With that in mind, the Single Parents Network put together a good check-list for parents to keep in mind when going through a divorce. It’s not necessarily the definitive list, but the tips for divorcing parents falls into the category of food for thought.

It seems like such a small thing to consider for the sake of a child — and the adult they’ll become.

Interesting business story today about changes to MySpace to increase monitoring of the site. I’m sure we’re all familiar with MySpace, and the concerns many parents have with the unfiltered access some kids and teens have to it. So, this move would put in some changes to target sexual predators who may frequent the site.

According to the story, 49 states and the District of Columbia have endorsed the changes for the site, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. Apparently, only one state, Texas, has failed to back the measure. What’s up with that?

I think it’s time to blog on this: Too many snow days.

As I hear it, everyone seems to agree that school districts order snow days — or delayed openings, as was the case today in my son’s district — much more frequently than when we were kids. It’s certainly my experience. Or is it simply my perception?

My neighbor, who is from the Czech Republic, laughed off today’s delay, noting that when he was a kid back home there would be a foot of snow on the ground and all the kids would pray that school would close. He says it happened once that he can remember.

In my own youth, I certainly remember walking to school amid snow banks with snow falling. In recent years, including the harsh winter of 2004, it became an issue, with district worrying about making up school time because of all the snow days. I stumbled upon this story from cnn.com about one superintendent’s dilemma with it, and the fallout he endured.

But I couldn’t find a viable database that tracks the number of snow days per year. I thought this would end the debate once and for all, and determine whether schools are wimpier these days or whether it’s just our perception. One newspaper in Michigan took to the web last month and conducted a reader poll on the subject. Not exactly scientific, but it does make for some interesting results.

Of course, I’m not bringing this up with my son. Nothing a kid loves more than a snow day. It’s a hassle for us grown-ups, dealing with work and what to do with the kids and, particularly as a single parent, negotiating with the ex to reach a compromise on who takes time off, who doesn’t, whose turn it is to do so, etc. The big winner is always my son, who gets a day off. I just hope he remembers how good he had it as a kid.

Okay, this is way premature: My son is just 10.

But I’ve always accepted that my time with him is limited. We buddy around now and go on treks together, share movies and even joust in X-Box contests now and again. But what happens when he hits the teen years? That’s when dad has to drop him off around the corner so his friends won’t see him with me. It’s inevitable, isn’t it?

This came to mind this week when a colleague of mine told me the latest news about his 15-year-old. Both our sons take guitar lessons and fool around with the six-strings, so we’re always checking in on their progress. This week he tells me his boy has turned in his guitar for text-messaging. In other words, he has a girlfriend.

Now, my girlfriend’s 3-year-old has a girlfriend too. Of course, in pre-K it’s a slightly different dynamic. My son is in fifth grade, and had his first kiss in kindergarten. He has had a girl or two chasing him over the years. He’s still at that age where he blushes at the mere mention of that first kiss, but two girls in particular always come up year after year.

Anyway, the girlfriend isn’t even the ultimate point. It’s more a matter of losing some part of that father-son bond when my boy hits the teens. I know of cases where it hasn’t worked that way, but a lot more where it has. For instance, I have one cousin who remained close with her boys during those years, largely by staying current on the latest video games and playing with them frequently. Another cousin left home early in his teen years due to his inability to relate in any way to his parents.

Will my son be one or the other extreme? Or somewhere in the middle? I bring this up to him now and again, and he tells me that’ll never happen. He’ll always be my buddy. God bless his little heart for saying so.

But, as much as it as a rite of passage of sorts, I do dread it. I mean, isn’t it just a matter of time?

I’m sure we all have our own list of New Year’s resolutions, some of which we may actually follow through on. I have friends who are vowing to diet, quit smoking and travel more in the coming year. We’ll see.

But how about the kids? As parents, we spend a great deal of time establishing and maintaining a set of rules for our children. New Year’s presents a golden opportunity to incorporate this into the annual ritual of resolutions, giving the kids a level of responsibility while allowing them to participate in what is widely perceived as an adult exercise.

With that in mind, I came across a good list of suggested resolutions put together by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which provides a good overall website to keep bookmarked. The AAP list of resolutions is simple and concise, so there’s no heavy lifting. Personally, I plan to use them as a guide of sorts when I sit down with my son to work out a list for him.

That aside, Happy New Year to all.

The first time is really, really cute. I rush to offer Pumpkin a choice of whatever she wants. The 100th time is still pretty cute. The 1,000th time is cute but mama’s patience is starting to falter. I’m talking, of course, about her burst of independence that makes the phrase “me pick it” very popular around our house. I hear it at the breakfast table when Pumpkin demands the option to pick out a bib for herself — and for her Elmo doll. I hear it at the changing table. I hear it when it’s time to get dressed. I hear it when it’s time to watch a Baby Einstein video. I hear it when I open a box of frozen waffles. You’re starting to get the idea.

Now, I’m not really complaining. Of course, I want my 2-year-old to want to do things for herself. And I am encouraging her first steps toward eventually making all of her own decisions (on everything from piercings to which college to attend). But wow. It really does make little jobs exhausting. The diaper routine is the most exasperating. Do we really, really need to select our own diaper every time? And does Elmo really need his own diaper, too? Apparently so. As some of you might remember, I wrote before on the blog about Pumpkin’s obsession with Elmo diapers. Well, the good folks at Pampers are still driving me crazy. We are using Cruisers these days, and most boxes come with three varieties: Elmo alone; Elmo with a friend such as Zoe or Ernie; Cookie Monster. The preferred diaper — by far — is Elmo alone. Elmo with a buddy is acceptable most of the time. But Cookie Monster is almost always rejected. (Truth be told: Pumpkin is a little scared of Cookie Monster. When the Number of the Day comes up on Sesame Street, she always jumps from my lap into my arms.) As you can imagine, by the end of the box, there are only Cookie Monster diapers left. It’s a challenge.

So, this is our phase right now. And I’m enjoying it. It’s accompanied by a burst in verbal ability. Just now, for instance, I asked Pumpkin if she wanted her ice cream on a dish and she said, “A bowl, mama.” It also comes with a exponential increase in tantrums. And “time outs” don’t seem to have much effect. To be honest, I think she enjoys being naughty. Our days seem to pass so quickly and she’s growing up so incredibly fast. I know it’s a cliché that all parents echo, but I living it is entirely different. I see in this recalcitrant toddler the feisty little tiny bundle she was as a baby.

What we’re hoping for is that the “terrible twos” are truly confined to this time frame. I am reveling in the challenges of this year expecting that next Christmas season, I’ll have a cooperative 3-year-old. Please don’t tell me I’m wrong!