This is a little irregular, but I ask the indulgence of Parents’ Place readers. What follows is of urgent importance for a group of deserving children and for the newest member of Westchester’s unemployed.

Dear Mr. Torre,

Now, for the purpose of this posting: I read of your interest in exploring future employment. As a board member for the youth council of an area church, I am prepared to offer you the job of manager/president of our baseball program.

 I am not at liberty to identify the organization because this is not a formal offer – that must wait until the youth council’s next meeting in November. I am confident, however, that we can offer you a salary somewhere in the high two figures. This would be a multi-year contract and it would be negotiable, thereby addressing two of the concerns you raised at your press conference on Friday. Furthermore, our contract would not include insulting incentive features. 

We also are offering Don Zimmer the chance to resume his duties as your bench coach. And since several of your coaches also could soon find themselves unemployed, we are offering the position of pitching coach to Ron Guidry and appropriate coaching jobs to the others. (We don’t have a budget line for their salaries, but if you chose to share some of yours with any or all of them, that’s fine with us.)

To provide a Major League Baseball amenity, the youth council purchaser already has picked up a 10-gallon vat of sunflower seeds at Costco. One caveat: We do have a strictly enforced no-spitting rule on the field and on the bench.

As a sign of my sincerity, I point to a profile of you that I wrote several years back. I held up to public ridicule a Daily News headline that had scoffed at your hiring, calling you “Clueless Joe.â€?  In that same report, I referred disdainfully to similarly misguided comments by the then-sports columnist for this publication. He remained nameless then only because it didn’t seem wise to pick a fight with my employer, a position with which I’m sure you can sympathize.

Finally – and I hope this is not out of line - once you join our organization, would it be possible to bring along some Bigelow teabags, especially for those chilly early spring practices? We will supply the hot water.

Len Maniace,

Director,
St. xxxx of xxx Youth Council

Attention Harrison residents: I need your help. Since recent events are likely to have disrupted Mr. Torre’s reading routine, he might miss this job offer. If you see Mr.Torre out raking leaves or at the supermarket, tell him about this opportunity. Thanks for your help.