How many shared-custody situations are out there where the child prefers one parent’s home to the other because “it’s more fun?” Particularly for younger children, this usually means that one parent’s home is all about play and the other involves actual parenting — rules and restrictions and doctor visits and doing homework.

I can think of several single- and divorced-parent situations where this is the case. In one friend’s case, the dad’s house has tons of toys and the child is routinely treated to milk shakes, donuts and sweets, and is allowed to fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Because the dad routinely has the child on weekends, there are few situations where the child has to be woken up early, dressed and prepared for school. The child gets up when the child gets up, and then it’s usually a day of fun in the sun.

Then there’s the mom. She has to get the child to school, has to be more conscious of dietary needs and is constantly trying to include vegetables and protein in meals. There are plenty of toys and play time, but with school, doctor visits and other utilitarian tasks built in, it pales in comparison to the nearly limitless play time at dad’s house. The end result is the parent trying to do the right thing for the child is the “less fun” parent, and has to regularly hear her child ask to go to daddy’s house.

She’s not alone. Another friend’s teenagers see their dad’s house as a refuge and a “safe place” when the mom tries to set curfews and limits on this or that. She’s forced to instill discipline. The end result is that one of her teens finally moved in with dad, who has provided little financial support for his children’s needs and close to no emotional support. The teen now lives with few rules.

And this is gender neutral. I’m highlighting two of the situations I know of personally, but I — of all people — don’t want to sound like I’m beating up the dads. I had friends in a single-parents group I once belonged to who were dads in similar situations. One dad who lives in the Carolinas was raising his children almost entirely on his own, carting them to school, tutors and the doctor while constantly hearing from them how mom never made them do these things. The mom primarily showed up to blame the dad when there was a problem at school. He, like my two other friends, have been forced to do the hardest thing of all: Keep quiet. They refuse, to their credit, to set the record straight for the children. They refuse to put the kids in the middle. They shouldn’t.

But what does one tell a parent in that situation? My advice has been to keep doing the right thing and ultimately the child will appreciate it — or at least one can hope so. The pessimist in me realizes that poetic justice only happens in plays and novels, not in real life. My more optimistic side clings to the notion that good intentions and actions are ultimately rewarded, if not with appreciation then certainly with the satisfaction of knowing you made your child a better and healthier person in the end.

Because it would just be nice to know that it’s a game where there are no real losers.

Remember the prom date? In this earlier blog, I spoke about a mom who put her foot down when her 15-year-old son was asked to go to the prom by a senior girl in his high school. Her thinking was that he was too young, etc., etc. That sparked some lively debate.

Well, the prom came and went, and the 15-year-old did, indeed, attend with the older girl. It turns out that the boy’s mom ultimately had discussions with the girl’s mom, discussed it with her son, and they agreed to the ground rules. So she relented.

How’d he do? Things went smoothly. He was a gentleman, there were no after-parties, and he was home at the agreed-to time. By all accounts, the two had a wonderful—and safe—time together.

So, does this make the concern some of you had moot? Or did the mom dodge a bullet?

I’m a little confused.

One of the things we have been adamant about teaching our boys is good manners. This is something my mom drilled into my brother and myself since we were young, and something I’ve always taught my own child. My girlfriend is the same with her boy, and we both insist on good table manners and polite behavior.

So why do I feel like we’re in the minority? It can’t be for lack of resources on this stuff. Five minutes online and I was able to track down several tip sheets and suggestions for teaching your children manners. Some of the better ones include this web page as well as this other site on the same topic. So what’s going on?

Let me back up. We had two experiences this weekend that make me wonder if young people aren’t being taught manners:

On Saturday, we had a four-year-old birthday party for my girlfriend’s son. When it was time for pizza one of the little boys decided he wanted another boy’s chair, and pretty much muscled him out of it. I get it: He’s only four. But the boy’s father just watched, made one half-hearted suggestion that he not be so pushy, then let it go. The other boy burst into tears.  Poor parenting.

Then the following day, we went shopping at Target in Mount Kisco. We had to return some stuff, so went to the “customer service” counter. The young woman there puts out her hand for the receipt, turns her head to talk to someone else, then, when the receipt was in her hand, she immediately says she’s calling a manager because she doesn’t put up with customers being disrespectful. Huh? The manager comes, never apologizes and says he doesn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Meanwhile, the young woman glares, the manager sees nothing wrong with it and suggests we go on our way.

Two varying encounters, one basic problem. In the first, a four-year-old needs to be directed toward good behavior, and it’s up to the parent to ensure that happens. Children learn from role models. Neither my son nor my girlfriend’s son would ever be allowed to behave that way. In the second instance, it’s an example of someone being raised without manners — let alone professional courtesy a young person needs to succeed in any industry, primarily the retail service industry.

To me, this is something kids should learn before they apply for their first job, whatever that may be. I know plenty of single and divorced parents who instill this in their children — it’s not heavy lifting. And, in our own blended family, it’s the rule.

But am I making too much of this? Or am I right to wish that our boys encountered good manners outside the home as well?

No, not the kind we need as parents. We’ve all had a crash course in that if we have kids. I mean getting your children to be patient in impatient situations. Like, the long lines at Disneyworld.

In this case it was the long lines at the Holiday Train Show at the New York Botanical Garden. We took the boys there last weekend for the show, which ends this weekend if you want to check it out. It was an awesome display which the kids loved — after a 90-minute wait on line because of obviously poor planning and management by the folks in charge.

Needless to say, we had a 3-year-old and a 10-year-old in tow, so it required some creative time management. Since there were two adults, we were able to split time between standing on line and taking the kids to run around somewhere or other. But this would’ve been a remarkably more trying situation for a single parent with no partner. I went through this a few years ago when I took by son to Disneyworld and the waits became difficult for him, and understandably so.

These days, I’m fortunate to have my girlfriend in the picture (add “line marker” to her lists of attributes). But it still leaves the question of managing patience in children in an impatient situation. The University of Pittsburgh Medical Center has one of many sites out there that discusses how to teach children patience.

Obviously, the article focuses on more significant benefits to teaching patience than just managing a child while you’re on a dreadfully long line. Those are, of course, valuable to successful parenting, and having patience during a long wait is much more mundane. But I was most struck by the suggestion that kept coming up as I was doing some research for this posting: Start by being patient yourself. To be honest, patience isn’t exactly my strength. And maybe I should teach myself first.

Besides, watching the kids roll down the hill during my time as “line marker” looked kinda fun.

Be honest, just between us. How many of you have watched Super Nanny or Nanny 911 and recognized your family? Or perhaps were left thinking that some of those families weren’t really all that bad?

Don’t feign ignorance. For several years now, the British nannies of Super Nanny and Nanny911 have been parachuting into chaotic American homes presided over by unruly kids, whose parents cower in a corner. When the nannies leave at the end of 60 minutes, the children are calm, respectful, do their homwork and chores on time. For icing on the cake, the kids even learn to speak French.

How do they do it? The nannies talk with soothing voices and come up with perfectly measured consequences for the misbehaving offspring. They have charts and schedules and the kids stick to them. The adults learn to be parents. At least that’s the story line.
I don’t recall the nannies ever telling the parents to cut out the cocaine or so stop the extramarital affairs. At no time are the words electrodes or water-boarding uttered in front of the children. Perhaps it’s just excellent film editing.

Most of us set out to be great parents, but often fall somewhere short of that. It’s tough to be great parents when kids now are lucky to get two part-time parents who are worn down by work when they get home. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. As a kid I remember reading that one of the future challenges facing our nation would be managing all our spare time. We soon would be working four days a week and even less in the future. And then there was that Star Trek episode in which the crew lands on this futuristic planet where no one worked; they just hung around playing the lute and reading poetry. OK, that isn ‘t my idea of Utopia, but I bet some of the folks on that planet picked the baseball/iPod/pizza choice.

A few years back my youngest son liked watching the Super Nanny and Nanny 911. I’m not sure if he was looking for ideas of what he and his brother might try next, or perhaps was trying to send his parents a message. I’m sure I picked up a couple of parenting tips while watching. But I’m still waiting the big payoff: The morning my kids come downstairs for breakfast, wearing white shirts, ties and greet their adored parents in French: “Bonjour mama; bonjour papa.”

My son knows every four-letter word under the sun. He hears them on TV, around town, and around school from time to time. There are older kids at his after-school program who let one fly now and again. I’m not naive enough to think you can protect a child from foul language. My rule has been simple: I don’t want to hear them. I try not to curse around him, and he dare not do so around me.

To me, it’s a respect thing for kids. I use “colorful” language in my adult life, whether it be with friends or colleagues. But I draw the line around children, and certainly around my son. It makes me wonder how other parents handle the issue.

I bring this up because of an experience I had this weekend at a shopping center. I saw a woman fly into a rage over a parking space. She got out of her SUV and hurled a profanity-laced verbal assault on another woman. It was one of those “road-rage” type of situations, where the woman felt personally offended. She quickly won the argument, but continued her foul-mouthed rant as she got back in her vehicle, closed the door, and parked. Then she got out and began getting her two young children out of the car, even while she was still going on about the “slight” she was just subjected to.

Now, I’ve let the occasional curse slip in traffic or some other frustrating situation. I’m human. But I quickly apologize to my son if he’s within earshot and reinforce that it is wrong. He knows dad’s not perfect. I simply believe good manners, including proper language, feed directly to how you present yourself and how you are perceived as an older child and as an adult.

So this situation in the parking lot astounded me, in large part because it wasn’t the first time I’ve witnessed something like it. It makes me wonder if I make too much of a big deal out of it, and if I’m just out of step with parents in general. It makes me wonder how some other parents handle this issue.

My son put me in my place this weekend.

Here’s the scenario: We’re home Friday night and looking up something on the computer. The phone rings and I let the answering machine pick up. It’s my mom, and she starts to leave a message. I tell my son, it’s your grandma. We’ll call her back later. Then comes the comment from my son: “Can I do that to you when you’re old, dad?”

I guess sometimes I get caught up in being a dad and forget that I’m a son also. Needless to say, I picked up the phone and talked to my mom, as did my son. I owe him a debt of gratitude for setting me straight.

He’s a good kid. I hope he’ll always take my call.

Single parents are as happy, if not more so, than married folks. At least that’s what Yahoo! Personals says in a new survey timed to coincide with the start of National Singles Week today.

Now, keep in mind that the survey was conducted by an online dating site, so the results may mirror that. (Note the Yahoo! plug at the end of the article). But I’m a big believer in making the most of what you’re dealt, and taking an optimistic view of life. So this may provide a boost for single parents who occasionally feel overburdened and down on life.

Here’s a newswire article with some of the details:

SUNNYVALE, Calif—(BUSINESS WIRE)—Sep. 17, 2007—Contrary to popular opinion, married (1) people don’t have the edge over singles when it comes to happiness. Just in time for National Singles Week (September 17 -21), a new survey commissioned by Yahoo! Personals and conducted by Harris Interactive® reveals that singles, including single parents, view themselves as more so or just as happy, financially secure, and adventurous as their married counterparts. Almost nine out of 10 singles (88 percent) say they are just as, if not more, happy than their married counterparts.
The survey also found that while single parents list finding someone as the most challenging aspect of dating, they face a unique test when deciding how to introduce a date to their children. Twenty eight percent of single parents wait until they envision a future with their significant other before introducing him/her to their children. At the other end of the spectrum, 19 percent bite the bullet and make the introductions when they first start dating.
“It has never been a better time to be a single parent and looking for that special someone,” said Anna Zornosa, vice president and general manager of Yahoo! Personals, the most visited online dating service. “Single parents are typically in a social circle filled with married parents. Online dating expands the dating pool, helping single parents find potential dates who are open to dating someone with children more easily.”
Single and Enjoying Life
The survey results about singles’ lives add context to a U.S. Census Bureau announcement earlier this year that more American women were living without husbands than with them, and a 2005 finding that for the first time, married couples had become a minority of all U.S. households.
When asked about how they perceive themselves in relation to their married friends:
• 88 percent of all singles surveyed say they are just as, if not more, happy;
• 81 percent feel they are just as, or more, successful in their career;
• 72 percent feel they are just as, or more, financially secure;
• 84 percent say they are just as, or more, open to new experiences; and
• 78 percent feel that they are just as, or more, physically fit.
The survey also showed that only 30 percent of singles feel that they are more self-indulgent than their married counterparts. In contrast, 39 percent of married respondents feel that they are just as, or more, self-indulgent than their single friends.
“Compared with their married friends, singles see themselves as getting more out of life,” says Caroline Presno, a psychotherapist, and author of “Profiling Your Date, A Smart Woman’s Guide to Evaluating a Man. “This study suggests that singles are seeing their lives as an adventure, and that they perceive no ’happiness gap’ compared to married friends.”
Bruce Willis: Most Admired Single Parent
Yahoo! Personals also asked single parents which single celebrity parent they most admire. Topping the list was Bruce Willis with 28 percent of the vote. The father of three received more than double the amount of votes as Reese Witherspoon, who came in with 12 percent. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline came in with an extremely low percentage of votes, with Britney receiving 2 percent and Kevin receiving 1 percent. Also on the list was Diane Keaton (6 percent), P. Diddy (5 percent), and Sheryl Crow (4 percent).
Sexy Sells! Singles Reveal Their Celebrity Favorites
Yahoo! Personals also asked singles which celebrity they would most want to date, and topping the lists were some of the sexiest celebrities in America. Out of the single celebrity males, People’s 2006 “Sexiest Man Alive,” George Clooney, received 20 percent of the single female vote for who they would most want to date. People’s 2005 “Sexiest Man Alive,” Matthew McConaughey, was not far behind on the list with 13 percent of the vote. Also included on the list: Andy Roddick (5 percent), Derek Jeter (4 percent), and Ricky Martin (3 percent).
When single males were asked which single celebrity female they would most like to date, FHM’s 2007 “Sexiest Woman,” Jessica Alba, topped the list with 28 percent of the vote. Jennifer Aniston was not far behind with 11 percent of the vote, Queen Latifah got 7 percent of the vote, and Jessica Simpson finished with only 6 percent of the vote. Also included on the list: Maria Sharapova (3 percent), Sandra Oh (1 percent), and Padma Lakshmi (1 percent), host of Top Chef.
About Yahoo! Personals
Yahoo! Personals was first introduced in the U.S. in 1997 and has grown to become one of the leading and most popular online dating services available. The service offers a large, dynamic dating scene where users can search for, meet and communicate with a variety of people. For more information, visit http://personals.yahoo.com.
About the survey:
The Yahoo! Personals Singles survey was conducted by telephone within the United States between August 16 and August 19 among 1,005 U.S. adults ages 18+. Results were weighted for age, sex, geographic region, and race where necessary to align them with their actual proportions in the population.
All sample surveys and polls, whether or not they use probability sampling, are subject to multiple sources of error which are most often not possible to quantify or estimate, including sampling error, coverage error, error associated with nonresponse, error associated with question wording and response options, and post-survey weighting and adjustments.
Therefore, Harris Interactive avoids the words “margin of error” as they are misleading. All that can be calculated are different possible sampling errors with different probabilities for pure, unweighted, random samples with 100 percent response rates. These are only theoretical because no published polls come close to this ideal.
(1) For the purposes of this study “married adults” are defined as U.S. adults ages 18+ who are married or living as a married.

Art, for kids, is not an abstract. It’s what they do — with finger paints, crayons, Play-Doh and even their mashed potatoes. And what are picture books, but page after page of wonderful illustrations that invite children to revel in the imaginative possibilities of art? As a mom, I want to inspire Pumpkin to delight in the art that she creates as well as the art of others. The first Baby Einstein DVD I bought was “Baby Van Gogh.” When “Starry Night” comes on the TV screen, it makes me happy to think the painting will be part of her visual lexicon — and I’m looking forward to taking her to see the original at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. Our first museum trip was to the Smithsonian American Art Museum. While she certainly had a great time running around the vast galleries of 20th-century paintings and sculpture, I don’t know how much she absorbed. Our next step will be the cozier Katonah Museum of Art, which is just a few short miles from my home. The current exhibit, “Children Should Be Seen: The Image of the Child in American Picture-Book Art” is a natural for any child who has cracked open a book.

Today’s Questions & Parents feature, or Q&P for short, is with Neil Watson, executive director of the Katonah Museum of Art. Neil, a resident of Katonah, kindly offers his insight for introducing children to art museums — and gives useful tips on the best ways to make the experience pleasurable for everyone. (A full stomach is a must.) Neil also tells us what it’s been like to be a museum executive and the father of a 6-year-old art lover named Cleo. This picture below shows the pair in 2003 at the Museum of Glass, where Neil was chief curator. They are wearing goggles because they were on the floor with artists while they were blowing glass.

Q: People often think of art galleries and museums as places that are quiet and contemplative — not adjectives you’d use to describe the atmosphere around most kids. Do children belong there?

P: The Katonah Museum welcomes children and families. For each exhibition, our education department creates unique activities and projects for children as a way to engage in the art. These activities provide a way for children to channel their energy appropriately, to learn about looking at and seeing art and to have fun, which we hope translates into wanting to come back!

Q: What should a parent do if a fellow art patron seems unhappy with youthful exuberance?

P: Bringing children to a museum is similar to taking them out to eat at a restaurant or to a movie. If parents prepare their children for what is acceptable behavior in these settings, then half the battle is won. At the Katonah Museum, we have a dedicated learning center where parents and children can enthusiastically engage in coloring, drawing and creating their own art. And we have an outdoor sculpture garden where children can frolic should they get the urge.

Q: Is there an ideal age to start taking children to art galleries and museums? Does it depend on the museum? For example, the Museum of Modern Art versus the Metropolitan Museum versus a smaller venue like the Katonah Museum of Art?

P: Like people, each museum has a personality all its own. I think a museum that is the scale of the Katonah Museum is actually a terrific way to introduce youngsters to art viewing because it is not overwhelming and the exhibitions are designed to engage visitors of all ages.

Q: Is there a time of day that’s best to bring kids? How long should a visit be?

P: I think we all appreciate looking at art when we’re not tired or hungry, when we can focus our attention and engage. For some of us that’s earlier in the day — during the week we open at 10 — or after lunch. In the Learning Center on Saturdays, the museum has a free story time at 10:30. On Saturdays and Sundays at 1, there is a free “See and Do� art activity, so those are also good times for families to visit the museum.

Q: How can parents help their kids connect with the art in a museum?

P: One great thing parents can do is to prepare themselves before a visit is to take a look at a museum’s Web site and familiarize themselves with the exhibition they are going to see. Is it appropriate for children? Does their child have a special interest that the exhibition speaks to? For larger institutions, knowing things like where the bathrooms are or if there is a restaurant can be very helpful. Parents can even print out materials for their children to read or look at on the journey to the museum and allow their child to set the agenda for the visit.

Q: When did you introduce Cleo to art galleries and museums? Which have been her favorites and what has made the experiences special?

P: My wife, Jude, who is a writer, and I moved, with Cleo, in 2001 from West Palm Beach, Fla., to the Pacific Northwest, when Cleo was 6 weeks old. I was hired as the chief curator at the brand new, not-yet-opened Museum of Glass, in Tacoma, Wash. Cleo was going to gallery openings in Seattle by the time she was 4 months old. She attended the opening of the Museum of Glass in 2002 and has been going to galleries and museums ever since. Cleo does have a certain allegiance to the Katonah Museum, as she will point out, “Daddy, after all, I am a member.� And she is.

Cleo has always enjoyed the KMA’s Learning Center and the Sculpture Garden. While she has been to many museums, Cleo is partial to the Metropolitan Museum of Art and loves the Egyptian galleries specifically — it’s the mummies that get her, and, of course, the knights and armor galleries. Cleo and I went to the Met this past spring and we took the audio tour, which is self-guided, fun and educational — all in one. Not only did she like the hand-held audio hardware — and Cleo was very adept at plugging in the appropriate audio tour number — she also loved wearing the “ear muffs” (headphones). She was not content to listen to only the family tours that many objects have — she wanted to listen to the regular adult commentaries as well. And she listened to the entire explanation. She also likes the Museum of Modern Art, which, because of the large scale of many contemporary works of art, is fun for kids. The Museum of Natural History is just that, a natural for kids. I would have to say that Cleo truly loves all of the museum stores equally, and she shops!

Q: Have you explored other museums in the Lower Hudson Valley? If so, which are your favorites for kids, and why?

P: I think the Hudson River Museum does an excellent job with kids. The Neuberger Museum of Art is also a great institution, which is part of SUNY Purchase. Across the street from them is the PepsiCo outdoor sculpture park, and that is a great place for kids to run around and see magnificent outdoor sculpture. Although not in lower Westchester, Cleo had a great time at Dia Beacon, which is a 275,000-square-foot museum that was once a printing plant for Nabisco. Dia is a great outing for the entire family, even if you do not know about the art that Dia specializes in, specifically Minimalism from the later 20th century. The space is terrific, and the art is wonderful. It is less than an hour from Katonah. Not far from Dia is the Storm King Art Center, a unique sculpture park, that is primary site-specific, outdoor sculpture, and is just a great deal of fun and awe inspiring for all ages. They have an Andy Goldsworthy stone wall that disappears into a pond that enthralls everyone who sees it.

Q: Can you explain why your new exhibit — “Children Should Be Seen: The Image of the Child in American Picture-Book Art” — is a good one for children? Is there a particular age group that’s best?

P: There are so many ways for children to engage in the “Children Should Be Seen” exhibition. For many, this may be an opportunity to see original art work from some of their favorite story books. For others it may be a chance for them to understand all of the different ways art is made — paintings, collages, drawings, photographs. They may be inspired to write and illustrate their own stories after seeing this exhibition. And for this exhibition, we turned the museum’s Pryor Gallery into a comfy reading room where children can read many of the books that are featured in the exhibition. I think this exhibition appeals to children who are old enough to be read to, and up from there.

Q: How can children benefits from programs at the Katonah Museum of Art’s Learning Center?

P: The Katonah Museum Learning Center is always open for drop-in activities that enhance and expand a visit to the museum. Throughout the year, the museum offers regularly scheduled art classes for children ages 3 to 5, and for children in grades 1 through 5. For more than 20 years, we have hosted a Young Artists exhibition drawn from the work of high school students from Fairfield, Westchester, and Putnam counties.

Thank you very much to Neil for sharing his knowledge by doing a Q&P! If you would like to be featured, or you know any parents who have expertise to share, please comment here on the blog or send me an e-mail at jalterio@lohud.com.

And, in case you missed them, here are links to earlier Q&P features. There are interviews with more than a dozen moms and dads, including a dog trainer dad, financial planner mom, writer mom, mathematician mom, baker mom, environmentalist mom, pediatric dentist mom and a couple of parents who are bicycle experts.

Are you a good shopping cart citizen, returning it to its corral? Or does being a parent mean stashing the cart between your car and the next and hoping no one notices? (The logic being that you can’t leave the kids alone while you march across the parking lot.) This is the question our colleague Katie Ryan O’Connor poses on her kids-and-food blog. I’ll ’fess up: Unless the corral is close by, I’m a stasher.

Not very long ago, I was sitting in the bleachers at my son’s community center-league basketball game for sixth-graders. It was an important game and the seats were packed.

Sitting next to me, my husband, my 77-year-old father and my 7-year-old son were a group of young teenage girls. They chatted loudly among themselves, trading gossip about friends, naming the cutest boys, that kind of thing. And then, one girl, out of nowhere, began talking about someone, using language that most parents never want to hear from their children. My husband and I both froze and looked at each other. Our younger son was so engrossed in his Game Boy that he didn’t even notice the words. My father, thank goodness, was caught up in the game; he’s a strong disciplinarian who doesn’t take kindly to potty mouths.

I considered confronted the girl by saying something along the lines of “Nice young ladies who want to be respected don’t use language like that,” but I had a feeling that would be met with more vulgarity. Instead, my husband took charge, saying to the girl, “Can you watch your mouth? We don’t like our son to hear talk like that.” To my surprise, she apologized and her friends chided her for having been spoken to.

I really detest foul language. I think it makes people who use it sound less than intelligent and in most cases, it’s so unnecessary. But adults can say what they want. When it comes to the children in our midst though, I think we need to watch how we’re talking, so that Junior doesn’t think it’s perfectly fine to suddenly curse a blue streak. This is not to say that I haven’t made mistakes: I once cursed at a driver with my baby son in the car, and all the way to the babysitter’s home, he repeated the foul word, singing it like a song. I actually drove around the block several times, telling jokes, singing other songs and basically saying anything to get his mind off the word before dropping him off.

Do you have issues with your child using foul language? And do you watch your mouth around your kids? Or do you feel, like some parents, that it doesn’t really matter?