I wanted to beat up a 3-year-old this weekend. And boy, would he have had it coming.

Frankly, I would’ve been okay with my girlfriend’s 4-year-old taking the kid out. But that’s where she and I differed, and where it makes for an interesting discussion on bullying. It’s been on my mind lately anyway, since my 10-year-old son is now in middle school. In our district, the middle school is grades 6-8, and since he’s the youngest in his grade because of his late-November birthday, he’s also one of the smallest kids in the new school. So, it’s been on my mind.

Back to the weekend: Our blended family was out and about in the sunshine yesterday, and took time out to hit the playground at Croton Point Park. All is going well, until a 3-year-old boy (I’m guessing on the age) punches my son in the stomach. Now, he’s bigger, so he just laughed it off and let it go. But then the kid punches my girlfriend’s 4-year-old in the gut — three times over the span of maybe 5 minutes or so. Hmm.

So, our boy runs back and complains that the kid kept hitting him. One point: Our little guy is amazingly strong for his age. He has remarkable arm strength for a kid his age, and is big for his age. However, he’s also very, very mild mannered. In other words, he has the strength to be a bully, but nowhere near the demeanor. Therefore, he keeps trying to go back to the play ground but runs back in fear each time the little bully kid starts running towards him.

At one point the bully kid actually pulls down his pants and urinates on the playground equipment as if it was second nature. No, there was no sign of a parent. Anyway, my girlfriend takes matters into her own hands. She walks over, does official introductions for her son and the bully kid. They shake hands, and off they go to play like old buddies — until the smaller boy kicks our boy in the face.

My 10-year-old offered to take the little bully out, but, of course, we’re not going there. Now here’s where my girlfriend and I differed: Her solution was to just leave and to congratulate her son for not hitting back. I also commended him, but felt that, at that stage, we should have instructed our 4-year-old to, A) Tell the bully kid to stop and, B) If he didn’t stop, to clock him in the head. That’s me.

Years ago, when my son was in pre-K, he had a bigger kid push him around regularly. The kid was bigger and the staff at the place did little about it. I complained several times, and finally told them after a few weeks that if it happened again I would instruct my son to defend himself. They said they would do something. Needless to say, it happened again. My son got pushed down, got up and clocked the kid in the nose. The bigger kid went down, started crying and ran away. They ended up being friends after that.

Is that the best option? Maybe not. I saw it as a last resort. And I’m not sure how I’d handle it if he has a similar problem in middle school this year. My fingers are crossed that it doesn’t happen.

With my girlfriend’s 4-year-old, there’s another component: He is, as I said, a very strong kid, and we don’t want him to hurt anyone and we don’t want him to learn to solve his conflicts with his fists. But isn’t there a breaking point, where he should learn to stand his ground? When is that point?

What is up with these backpacks that are so heavy that kids are being weighed down like mountaineers? At the risk of sounding like someone who should be leaning on a walker and eating dinner at 4 p.m., I’d like to point out that when I was a kid, we didn’t even carry backpacks! Somehow I managed to bring home all the materials I needed to do my homework without looking like I was ready to hike the Himalayas.

This is on my mind because it’s the time of year when, once again, the obligatory warnings about the dangers of the weight of these things are coming out. Consumer Reports, which is published in Yonkers, is way ahead on this issue. In their research, they found some sixth graders carried 18.4 pounds in the backpacks — about 17.2 percent of their body weight. Consumer Reports recommends staying closer to 10 percent of body weight.

What is in these backpacks, anyway? Pumpkin is several years away from homework assignments and all they entail, so I’m operating without first-hand knowledge. But I ask you other parents: Do kids really need to carry every book home, every night? Is that what makes up the load? Or, are your kids carrying mini survival kits on their backs? I know my daughter, given her druthers, would bring half the contents of her room with her in the car every time we leave the house for a half hour. So far, we’ve managed to keep it down to her Elmo doll (sometimes two Elmo dolls), a book, her sippy cup, a baggie of Annie’s Homegrown Chocolate Bunny Grahams and her purple blanket. Are your third-graders carrying their own equivalent of this in their packs? Is that why they are so heavy?

If you are buying a new backpack this fall, Consumer Reports recommends looking for these features:

• Shoulder straps that are contoured and padded to soften the load of the pack on a child’s back.

• A waist belt to stabilize the pack and transfer weight to the hips.

• A padded or quilted back or one with mesh fabric to make the bag less sweaty on steamy days.

• Compression straps on the sides of the pack to tighten a partially-filled backpack.

• Reflective trim on the back and sides of the pack to add visibility in the fall and winter months, when kids may travel to and from school in near darkness.

Here is the special section on back-to-school at Consumer Reports.

I’m thinking about writing a story about the growth in backpack sales and how these have become a must-have back-to-school item. If anyone would like to lend their insight to the story, send me an e-mail at jalterio@lohud.com or call me at 914-666-6189.

Otherwise, comment here about what the heck is in your kids’ backpacks — unless you’ve been afraid to look!

So, the eighth-grader who was punished with pretty harsh measures for buying a bag of Skittles from a classmate against school rules has been cleared of wrongdoing. Unfortunately, the reprieve didn’t come soon enough to allow him to attend an honor society dinner he missed as part of the punishment. If you didn’t see the earlier post, young Michael Sheridan of Connecticut drew the wrath of school officials because of his love for fruit-flavored candy. He initially was suspended from school and was stripped of his class vice president title. His mom raised a stir, which turned into a media frenzy, and the authorities backed down. Here is the New Haven Register story on the aftermath. And here is a feel-good follow-up on Michael’s new celebrity — and the Mars candy company’s promise to give the boy a lifetime supply of Skittles.

My son’s got it easy at school. At least that’s the way I see it, given that his classes don’t start until 9 a.m., and he’s out at 3 p.m. When I was a kid, I can’t recall starting school any later than 8:20 a.m., and that was seen as lenient. So what’s up?

I should note that my 10-year-old scores at the top of the class in all of the state tests he’s been required to take. And he devotes tons of his spare time to reading and games that incorporate mathematical and social studies skills. Fine. He’s studious.

But I find myself wanting more school time for him, something I think that there’s no real substitute for. It helps develop good study habits, improved listening skills, increased group-participation skills, and better social skills. True, he’s just in fifth grade now and his school day will get a tad longer as he gets into the later grades. That’s all well and good.

Still, something seems off. Take into account this Boston Globe article, in which a handful of Boston public schools extended the school day and assigned more reading and studying to their students. The result was a significant increase in MCAS scores.

Doesn’t that all seem to make sense? Or is there a case to be made for less time in class? I’d love to hear it.

Last year, when my family took a trip to Costa Rica, my sons applied for passports for the first time. While the wait to receive it was slightly long—about six weeks—the process was pretty painless, although the cost created a pinch to our pockets.

But as rules around applying for and requiring a passport become more stringent, people who travel with children may want to take note of some of the basic protocols according to a pamphlet issued by Westchester County Clerk Tim Idoni:

• Don’t wait until the last minute to apply. Beginning in early 2008, passports will be needed to travel by land or sea from Canada, Mexico, Central and South America, the Caribbean and Bermuda. So if you need one, apply now.


• Be aware of special requirements for children under 14: All children, even newborns, must have their own passport. And children’s passports need to be renewed every five years. When applying for a chid’s passport, children must be there in person. If possible, both parents should appear together and sign the application for a child who is under 14. If only one parent appears, the parent must provide a notarized form proving consent from the other parent.


• When you apply for a passport, please be sure to bring the right documents: Proof of US Citizenship (previous passport, naturalization certificate, original or certified copy of your birth certificate, or a Consular Report of Birth Abroad), Proof of Identity (a valid driver’s license or government/military ID card) and the fees (typically $97 for an adult passport and $82 for children under 16). If you need a passport in a hurry, the application can be expedited for an additional $60. Cash, checks and credit cards can be used to pay the fees.

Most times, I’m fussing with my 9-year-old son about being mesmerized by his Nintendo DS. While he doesn’t play with it during the school week, he’s pretty much attached to it on Saturdays and Sundays.

Good thing. Because now that I’ve discovered the Brain Age game, the Nintendo has become mine during the week and on weekends after he goes to bed.

I love this game! I bought it for myself, but encouraged my husband and kids to use it, but I’m the one who’s a regular.  It’s a good, quick and fun way to keep my 40-plus brain from atrophying, after so many years of watching inane cartoons and kid’s shows, playing with clay, making dioramas and watching football games that I don’t understand. Sure, my brain is taxed at work and at home, but not like this. Brain Age includes word puzzles, math equations, visual tests and Sodoku puzzles that help to keep you sharp. I don’t know whether or not it’s for real, but according to the little man in the game, after about three weeks of training, my brain age has gone from about 56 years old to about 23 years old. Anything that makes me feel younger works for me!

By the way, my boys—who have no patience for Brain Age but can play Kirby and Super Mario for hours—have brains of 80-year-olds. Or so the little man in the game says. 

Are there any of your kids’ toys that you’ve completely hijacked?

Looking for some tips on how to become a better parent? Then you might want to check out a forum on Thursday night in Harlem featuring motivational speaker Les Brown. The event is called “Success Principles for Power Parenting and Mentoring.”

Brown came from very humble beginnings in Miami was adopted by a single mother along with his twin brother when they were six weeks old. His career has been diverse, including jobs as a radio DJ, community activist, county supervisor in California, and television show host. For many years, he has been a motivational speaker, addressing a variety of topics, including the power of positive parenting.

Thursday’s talk will be held at the Harlem Children’s Zone, 35 E. 125th St., in Manhattan. Doors open at 5 p.m and the program begins at 6 p.m. Seating is limited, so a response is suggested, but not mandatory. Call 917-532-5011 to RSVP or drop an email to info@proudpoppa.net. Admission is free and you’re asked to bring a young adult to hear the message.

Add this story to the “Horrific/idiotic things that can occur in school” file: In Grahamsville, slightly upstate from here, a high school student was pulled out of class by a security guard who wanted to make sure no kids had backpacks or bags that students are banned from carrying during the school day. The girl apparently had a small purse with her that day.

The security guard was just doing his job, right? Perhaps. But what’s problematic was the question the guard asked the young lady: Whether or not she was menstruating. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, that’s the only reason why students at Tri-Valley High School are given a pass to have a bag with them during the day. Read it all for yourself here.

I can’t even begin to imagine how upset this girl was. I think if someone – and a man, no less – asked me that when I was 14, I would have fainted. And apparently, “The Question” is asked quite freqently. And it has upset so many students that girls – as well as boys, in support of their female friends – have taken to wearing tampons and sanitary napkins on their clothing in protest of this despicable question.

According to the news story, the school banned bags in the halls to prevent kids from being hurt by heavy bags and to avoid falls, as well as a concern about concealed weapons. Valid concerns, for sure.

But “The Question?” Hardly valid, I’d say. What do you think?

Yesterday, I dropped my 13-year-old son off at an educational program just outside of Washington, D.C. It’s a program that he was nominated for by his sixth-grade teacher and he’s been looking forward to it for the past year.

It sounds like a wonderful way to spend a week: He’ll visit Gettysburg, Jamestown, Williamsburg and all the sights in D.C. During the parent orientation yesterday, the facilitator said we all probably wished we were 13 again, so we could go too. And she was right -I think we were all ready to take a week off, be driven around and learn all about our country’s history.

Parents were all happy. All smiles. Some – especially parents of kids from the West Coast – were a little concerned about the 6 a.m. wake-up time for the kids, but basically we all nodded to each other, commenting on how fortunate our kids were to have such an experience.

But when started driving back to New York on I-95, it all hit me: I’m leaving my son, my biggest baby, with strangers. In Washington. And tomorrow is Sept. 11. I must be out of my mind. Suppose these people are insane? What if they’re part of a cult? What if they’re not as nice and wholesome as they seem? And that led me to think of many of my colleagues and friends, who have had to drop their kids off at college, and how traumatic it was for many of the parents. It made me REALLY glad to know that college is still 5 years away for me.

I’m not sure why this parting troubled me so. My son has gone to weeklong sleepaway camp, and has spent many evenings at friends’ sleepovers. But there was something so serious about this, that it made me think about how I’ll deal with him leaving for college. I supposed I still have five years to get ready for that.

Is parting with your child difficult? Do you find that it gets even more difficult as they get older? Am I just a wimp? Share your thoughts – And I can take the heat.

My sons—ages 13 and soon-to-be-9—like eating out. Most times, my younger son is happy with a well-cooked burger smothered in ketchup, spaghetti or chicken fingers. (Although he’s in love with a Peruvian chicken and rice dish that’s made at Cholo’s Kitchen in New Rochelle.)

My older son has more champagne taste: Present him with a menu that offers baby lamb chops, lobster, tenderloin, scallops or squid, and he’ll order one of those meals. And he’ll actually eat it. And enjoy it. While he can also chow down on burgers and fries, when he’s in a “real” restaurant, it’s fancy food that he wants.

Apparently, according to a recent news story, he’s not alone: There are a lot of kids who actually enjoy eating upscale. And I’m lucky enough to have one of them. It’s basically OK with us, except on those occasions when we’re hoping to grab a quick, cheap meal, and our son wants Lobster Thermidor.

My son may have acquired his love of fine food from me: When I was a teenager, my friends and I formed a club called C’est Chic, and mostly, we visited fine restaurants in Manhattan. We did rollerskate every now and then (at former The Rink in New Rochelle, which is now the site of my church, New York Covenant, if you can believe that!), but mainly, we ate. Rather, we dined. Exquisitely.

Are your kids into fine dining? What do they enjoy most? And what restaurants are their favorites?

Pulled this off the wire. Talk about fueling the fears about my boy growing up. Or is this just alarmist?

WASHINGTON, DC — Eleven million high school students (80 percent) and five million middle school students (44 percent) attend drug-infested schools, meaning that they have personally witnessed illegal drug use, illegal drug dealing, illegal drug possession, students drunk and/or students high on the grounds of their school according to the “National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse XII: Teens and Parents,� the twelfth annual back-to-school survey conducted by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University.
For the first time, this year CASA sought to survey in depth the drug situation in America’s schools. The survey revealed that at least once a week on their school grounds, 31 percent of high school students (more than four million) and nine percent of middle school students (more than one million) see illegal drugs used, sold, students high and/or students drunk. At least weekly, 17 percent of all high and middle school students (4.4 million) personally see classmates high on drugs at school.
“This fall more than 16 million teens will return to middle and high schools where drug dealing, possession, use and students high on alcohol or drugs are part of the fabric of their school,� said Joseph A. Califano, Jr., CASA’s chairman and president and former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare. “Too many of our nation’s high and middle schools have become marijuana marts and pill palaces. Parents should wake up to this reality and realize more likely than not, your teen is going to school each day in a building where drug use, sale and possession is as much a part of the curriculum as math or English and do something about it. For many of our middle and high school students, school days have become school daze.�
The CASA survey also found that since 2002 the proportion of students who attend schools where drugs are used, kept or sold has jumped 39 percent forhigh school students and 63 percent for middle school students. From 2006 to 2007, the proportion jumped 20 percent for high school students and 35 percent for middle school students. Other numbers:

• Compared to teens at drug-free schools, teens at drug-infested schools are:

— 16 times likelier to use an illegal drug other than marijuana or prescription drugs;

— 15 times likelier to abuse prescription drugs;

— six times likelier to get drunk at least monthly;

— five times likelier to use marijuana;

— four times likelier to smoke cigarettes;

— four times likelier to be able to buy marijuana within a day; and

— nearly six times likelier to be able to buy marijuana within an hour.

It’s summertime and the living is allegedly easy, right? Then why am I so stressed?

Because while my sons are taking it easy, I’m becoming unglued about keeping any semblance of a schedule together. My boys, ages 8 and 13, are in day camp this summer. My older son takes a school bus there and back and my husband or I drive our younger son to camp. I alternate afternoon pickups with another mom/friend. That part works pretty well.

Where it all seems to fall apart is at home. In the mornings, the boys get up—with much prodding from us—only after listening to the alarm clock blare incessantly. And then they plod slowly about the house, taking forever to wash up, dress and eat breakfast. The morning usually involves them getting their lunch or snack together too, since they’re not so diligent about preparing everything the night before.

So what happens? I end up fussing about them being late, which results in my rushing to get ready in less time and feeling stressed about it all. And today, my older son, in his haste to make the bus, left his keys at home. And guess who had to make a dash home this afternoon to let him in (and then return to work)? Moi.

My husband and I admit some fault in this. Because it’s summer, we’ve relaxed the rules somewhat: They can stay up later and we’ve been letting them play video games and watch TV during the week. They’ve been doing some reading for school and my younger son has been working in the summer workbook we got for him. My younger son is an avid reader, so he’s already finished about four books and his written two of the three book reports that will be due the first day of school. My older son isn’t as voracious a reader, so he’s moving a little more slowly, usually picking up a book in the few minutes before he falls off to sleep. But that’s about it for brain exercise.

I hate to swing the parental hammer on them, but I feel like I’ve got to restore some sense of order at home. How do you let your kids relax—but not too much—during the summer?

This week, my sons are in a daily basketball camp, which is good in many ways: They’re both in the same place; they have to wear a uniform shirt every day (no last-minute wardrobe changes in the morning!); and the camp serves lunch. There’s also no swimming, so I don’t have a load of towels and swimsuits to wash.

But come next week, they’ll return to their regular day camps, where the biggest problem for me is that there is no lunch. This wouldn’t be much of an issue if my boys liked homemade lunch, but they are pretty boring when it comes to sandwiches. They limit themselves to turkey bologna, salami or turkey. They don’t like standbys like PB&J or cheese or tuna.  (No, they’re not allergic, just picky!) They don’t like condiments. And forget those ideas of giving them pita and hummus or anything “fancy.”

Last week, my 13-year-old didn’t make his sandwich (this is his job) the night before and a few minutes before the bus came, he was throwing Rice Krispie treats and applesauce into his lunchbag for a snack. When I asked him about his sandwich, he said he didn’t have time to make it. As a veteran sandwich-maker, I started to hustle into the kitchen to make him something, because after all, he was going to be out in the sun all day and he would be hungry and what if he passes out and the nurse calls me and it will be all because he didn’t have a sandwich?

My husband, bless his heart, stopped me and said, “Don’t make him anything. I used to do the same thing, when I was his age. And I’m still here, right?” His reasoning was that if my son was hungry that day, he would remember to make his own lunch the night before, as we’ve asked him to do.

I’m not sure yet whether playing hardball has worked; my son hasn’t had to make his lunch again yet. But he did mention that he was a little hungry that day. And he apologized for not doing what we asked him to do. So maybe it worked?

Tell me some of the ways you play tough with your kids. And if anyone has any lunch ideas for my finicky sons, I’m open to them.

As we wind down to the end of the school year, I’m a little troubled about all the free time that middle-schoolers—the very kids who don’t need to be idle—seem to have.

My friend has an eighth-grader who, for the last several days, has had a series of half-days, testing days, class trips. graduation rehearsals—just about anything that prevents her from having a full school day. Another friend’s son, a seventh-grader, hasn’t had to be in school until 1:30 p.m. the past few days, because of final exams. So he has the whole morning to hang out—or to study for his tests (yeah, sure).

This means that there are a lot of young teens with curious minds and empty time on their hands. As summer approaches. Not a good mix, as seen in this story from the South Carolina newspaper, The State.

Call me a dinosaur, but when I was in school, we had exams AND classes. All on the same day! Imagine that! We would go to class and then later, take tests. And when the tests were finished, we would resume classes. There was none of this nonsensical going home at noon or coming in to school at 1:30 p.m. A school day was just that—a full day. Half-days and abbreviated schedules were rare, if they even existed.

What are kids supposed to do with themselves during days like these? While many of these kids are old enough to be at home briefly, most parents likely don’t want their middle-schoolers home, unsupervised, for several hours. But honestly, what choices do parents have? Any suggestions? Share them here.

When you have children, it seems like you’re always buying birthday presents.

In our family, I’m the buyer of birthday gifts. It fell to me and not my husband, because, well, I like shopping a little more than he does.

Lately, it seems that the cost of these presents has risen quite a bit. I recall when my 13-year-old was a preschooler, I could easily buy a nice kid’s present for $15 or less. As my kids got older, the stakes were raised a little bit, and the norm for a present was about $20 to $25. I could live with that.

But then one year, when my son was about 10, someone bought him a PlayStation game. A PlayStation game?! They run about $40 to 50! That seemed awfully extravagant to me, especially coming from one kid to another. So now, I’m trying to hold down the spending to no more than $30, but then my sons remind me that “Johnny” bought them Madden 2007, so we HAVE to get him a new video game, too.

I’m not in agreement with that. I don’t want to get into any tit-for-tat present-giving; I want them to give gifts because they think that’s what the person would like, not because the value matches the gift they received. But with the way some parents are spending, it’s becoming difficult to keep that lesson in check.

Are you finding the same thing? And how do you deal with it?