I received this list today in a press release, and I thought it was pretty neat. It came from a company called Priceless Legacy that sells “life story” books. I’m not advocating the company by any means, but I thought this list of questions to ask your dad at Father’s Day was worth sharing.

The fathers reading this just might want to answer these questions for their own youngsters. They are written in the past tense because I think the idea is for adult children to pose them to their dads, but I think they can just as well be answered by fathers of young children. (I’m talking to you, Michael.)

1. What did you enjoy most about being a dad? Least?

2. Are there things you wish you had done differently as a father?

3. In what ways are we alike and in what ways are we different?

4. Why did you marry my mother?

5. Is there anything you every wanted to tell us (me) but have not?

6. What is the secret to raising good kids?

7. Is there anything you regret not having asked your parents (my grandparents)?

8. Do you think today’s fathers have it harder, easier or just different?

9. What do you want to make sure that my children and grandchildren will remember about you?

Kids are better behaved and have better social skills if a grandparent is involved in their upbringing, according to a recent study in the Journal of Family Psychology, That’s kind of a no-brainer for most of us, but take note of the fact that the study found it’s particularly true in single-parent and divorced families.

(Joe Larese/The Journal News)

Obviously, plenty of children grow up to be marvelous human beings without significant influence from their grandparents. It was largely lacking in my childhood. But, and especially in single-parent homes, what an element of stability that can add to a child who doesn’t have the benefit of both parents in the home, or is struggling emotionally with the adjustment to a step-parent.

That’s a noteworthy footnote to the whole thing. At least it is for me.

I got my 11-year-old son a cell phone.

I know, why does an 11-year-old need a cell phone? I actually dwelled on this for a while, understanding that some of his schoolmates have had them for a couple of years. And I wondered why he would need one. The upside was that he would be able to reach out to us in an emergency or if there was a change in plans during afterschool activities or while at a friend’s house for the day. The downside was, well, why does he need it?

So, in the end I got him one, and I figured it was a good exercise in responsibility for him: Manage your  minutes, use it wisely and you’ll be able to keep it. As an aside, I also wanted him to have a way to keep in touch with his cousin, who he is very close with and who he is likely to see less off now that my ex’s mom—their grandmother—passed away at the end of last year. She was the glue that kep those kids in touch. Now they’re able to text and stay in touch regularly.

But I wondered about what it would cost. I have friends whose kids chalked up hundreds of dollars in cell phone bills after first getting one. So I waited for the “report card” — the first cell phone bill since we added him to our calling plan. Well, it came this week, and he’s well within his minutes. Phew.

Still, was it still a good idea? What age should we be hooking up our kids with telecommunication gadgets?

I felt fortunate this year that my son’s holiday season was a happy one. In fact, he made out like a bandit. In my book, that’s as it should be. As we do every year, we also bought gifts for needy children, something he has come to appreciate and we enjoy doing as a family.

His happiness was particularly important to me this year. That’s because he suffered his first significant loss with the death of his grandmother just before Thanksgiving, and two days before his birthday. This was his mother’s mom, with whom he was particularly close. Although she had been ill for some time, it was a very difficult process for him to go through, and one that he — and I — were a little unprepared for. It was, after all, his biggest loss since his mom and I split up, something I’m still learning to navigate in one form or another, albeit on a less frequent basis.

It was helpful for him to mourn with his mother, and the two of them shared their grief in significant and helpful ways. My initial concern was that he tried very hard to be a “big kid” about it, and did not want to be overly sad about it. He appeared more concerned about his mother’s wellbeing than his own. I credit him for that, but tried to assure him that he needed to mourn also. During the memorial service he started to break down, and was visibly overwhelmed by all the mourners who kept assuring him that his grandmother loved him dearly. I took him out of the room and we took a long walk together before coming back to the room.

I eventually realized that I needed him to mourn in his own way, and that perhaps I was projecting my expectation that he should be more broken up. He was, but in his own way, and it would happen slowly over time. The break-down moment for me came a couple of weeks before Christmas, when he was assigned a tribute poem for school. Of course, he wrote it about his grandma. It was therapy for him, and it was the outpouring of emotion that I feared he was bottling up inside. I felt it healed him to a large degree.

But the entire experience left me doubting myself, and how I dealt with it. Horrible as it sounds to say, he will suffer the loss of those close to him in the years to come, and I wonder how I would handle it differently if that comes to pass. I consulted several online resources for advice, and “found this at kidshealth.org”:http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html and also “this at hospicenet.org”:http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html for suggestions. Still, one learns from experience, and I think the best lesson for me was to let him be while reassuring him that it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to express yourself when you’re ready.

It’s not something you want to plan for, but you do need to be ready. That was my biggest lesson.

There are only so many memorable moments in a child’s life, and only so many “firsts:” The first time mastering a two-wheeler, the first fireworks display, the first time on a plane, and so on. The hardest part of being a dual-custody parent is losing some of these moments. The child’s time — and thereby, his firsts — are routinely divided between the two parents.

My ex and I generally break even in that regard, since our custody situation is a 50-50 split. But how many moments have I lost out on? I got the first trip to Disney World and his first pro baseball game; She got his first trip overseas and, last month, his first visit to Niagara Falls, which, while it’s no Disney World, was a huge success with our son. And there are other, smaller moments that I’ve been able to share with him: I took him to his first rock concert and made it to his school talent show, where he played Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” on guitar. My ex has her share of those moments she was able to share with him.

This whole concept came up on our recent vacation, when my girlfriend stood back and observed as her little boy, clutched to her own mother, watched the July 4th fireworks display overhead down in the Carolinas. At 4, it wasn’t his first view of fireworks, but it was certainly a memorable moment. He covered his ears and looked up with a mixture of wonderment and fear. She later told me that she was hit with the notion in that instance that she was missing that moment, so she walked over to her mom and asked to hold her boy. She both soothed him and shared the display with him for the remainder of the show. It was a shared moment she’ll certainly remember, as will he. And it made us think of the firsts and the moments we’ll inevitably miss with both our boys.

Ultimately, the boys benefit from having the experience at all, whether it’s with their mom or their dad. That’s comforting. But it carries a tinge of sadness, that there are times when we won’t be the ones to share the memory. It makes me hope that those parents out there who share all those moment appreciate the value of it.

For me, there’s no doubt how much it’s worth.

Sunday night, my husband and I spent about four hours at the emergency room of Northern Westchester Hospital in Mount Kisco to rule out appendicitis as the cause of the severe abdominal pains he had been experiencing. (He’s OK. Just sick.) We were there from about 9:45 p.m. until about 2 a.m., thankfully without the Pumpkin. That’s because when we spoke to the doctor on the phone, and she told us to go to the emergency room, I called my mom and said, “Can you come?” And, of course, she agreed. My mom moved to this area the year my daughter was born, first living with us while she looked for a place of her own and now renting an apartment. It has been unremittingly wonderful for us. My mom takes care of Pumpkin while I work — which is why I was able to keep my job after my daughter was born. If I hadn’t had my mom, I would have quit because I couldn’t have imagined putting my tiny little preemie in day care. The best part is I have every confidence that Pumpkin is in hands that are almost as loving as mine. The second best part is that my daughter is forming a relationship with her grandmother, not a stranger. But for my mom, there have been significant sacrifices. She left behind friends in Niagara Falls, her bowling league and the city she lived in for 70-plus years. She also left behind an affordable lifestyle. Her rent is double what she would pay in Niagara Falls — and takes almost half of her pension and Social Security every month.

My thankfulness for her presence in my life really came alive last night during the crisis. While I am always grateful when she throws a load of my laundry in the wash, it’s the willingness of a parent to drop everything and come running that makes them so special. I feel for the families who don’t have extended family nearby. Imagine a 3-year-old spending four hours plus in an ER? Yikes. But if my mom were still living in Niagara Falls, we would have had no choice but to bring Pumpkin. It must be even more challenging for single parents without family nearby. What if you are the patient? How can you expect the ER nurse to be a babysitter?

I’d like to invite Parents’ Place readers to share their own stories of events where your parents helped you out of a crisis — and to share how you coped if your mom and dad don’t live nearby or aren’t with you any longer.

Readers of this blog won’t be seeing my posts for a few weeks because I’m taking some family leave to care for my mom, who is recovering from surgery. We hope all will go very well — but this experience puts me for the first time in what’s being called the “sandwich generation.” There’s even a LoHud blog called In the Middle that deals with the topic. The term applies to people in their 30s, 40s and 50s who are responsible for their own kids while also helping their aging parents. My daughter is still a toddler and I’ll be taking care of my mom, who is in her 70s.

I am grateful that I am able to take the time off work (Thanks for the Family and Medical Leave Act, former President Clinton!), and also grateful that my mom moved to this area more than two years ago to help me with Pumpkin. This would have been much harder if I had to travel to my hometown of Niagara Falls. I can’t imagine how disruptive it would be for Pumpkin if she had to leave home for several weeks or, alternately, for me to be away from her for all that time. Just tonight, I had to sing her lullaby over a cell phone from my mom’s hospital room. (After apologizing in advance to her roommate!)

How are the rest of you Parents’ Place readers coping with your own sandwich generation experiences?

This is a belated post about Easter. We’ve had a busy week in our family. My mom went into the hospital in New York on Wednesday for surgery and I’ve been down there every day. But I wanted to put my thoughts out here on Easter and our traditions because this year they were tested — and stood up to the test.

We learned last month that my mom would be having surgery in March, but we didn’t know which date. This immediately put our usual plans for Easter in flux. For the past three years, my mom and my husband’s two sisters and parents have gathered at our house. The first time was the year I was pregnant with the Pumpkin. It was a wonderful day. We were so joyful with anticipation of the baby. And I was so excited to share my family’s traditional Polish Easter recipes with my husband’s Italian family. (Even if I had to keep going outside to get fresh air to clear up my morning sickness.) The next year was even more special. Pumpkin, who was born three months early, had been forbidden from contact with other kids until she was 15 pounds — a milestone she had just reached around Easter. Easter 2006 was the first time she met her cousins. Last year was special, too, as Pumpkin participated in an egg hunt for the first time, and enjoyed chocolate Easter bunny for the first time.

So, when the complication of the surgery came up this year, I was initially reluctant to cancel Easter. We hoped my mom would be a few weeks past her surgery and ready to celebrate. Then, a series of events put those hopes on hold. Her surgery ended up moving to the end of March. My mother-in-law got sick with a condition she’s still recovering from. And my sister-in-law’s family had some troubles of their own. No one was up for a big Easter celebration outside their own homes. My first reaction to the breakup of our usually big party of nine adults and six kids was to wonder whether it would be worth the trouble of cooking for the smaller gathering of my husband, my mom, myself and Pumpkin. We contemplated going out to a brunch, but in the end, I decided to make the feast.

Last Saturday, the Pumpkin and I went down to the Yonkers Miasarnia on Lockwood Avenue and bought a WHOLE Polish ham and a kielbasa as well as a poppy-seed coffee cake and a babka. That night, we dyed Easter eggs and I baked the cake part of our annual bunny cake. (My mom made the boiled frosting the next morning and applied the coconut and licorice whiskers and jellybean eyes.)  I got up early on Easter and got the ham in the oven and peeled and chopped potatoes. I prepped the asparagus for roasting in the oven while the ham rested. Shortly before the ham was ready, I started boiling the sauage for the traditional Barscz, or white Polish Easter soup. It’s a cream soup made with the broth of Polish sausage that I’ve eaten nearly every Easter of my life since childhood. Making it for Pumpkin got me thinking about how tradition-bound we become when we become parents. It’s not Easter for me without Barscz — and it makes me happy to imagine that one day Pumpkin will feel the same way.

Julie’s Barscz

1 loop of traditional kielbasa
3 tablespoons flour
2 eggs, room temperature
1 pint heavy cream
1/4 cup cider vinegar
horseradish to taste
hard-boiled eggs
roasted Polish ham slices

Slice kielbasa into 2-inch pieces and boil until skin starts to pop. Remove from water. Add flour to cold water in a separate cup until it’s smooth. Add to the boiling sausage broth and cook for a few minutes. In a Pyrex cup or similar vessel, place eggs and beat. Start adding broth a few teaspoons at a time, beating all the while in order to “temper” the eggs. The idea is to get them to a warm temperature without cooking or curdling them. Add eggs to broth. Add heavy cream. Bring near a boil, but don’t boil. Add vinegar to taste. Add salt and white pepper to taste. At this point, we were done. We would then slice up the eggs and sausage and ham in a bowl, pour on the Barscz and throw in a dollop of horseradish. Yum! You might, however, opt to add the horseradish to the pot of soup for a less strong flavor. Either way, this is what the final result looks like:

And, to put the passage of time in perspective for us parents, here is Pumpkin’s first Easter and her most recent:

The holidays were a success at my place, with tons of food, lots of smiles and two spoiled kids. In fact, the boys each got more presents than I probably got my entire childhood. As I’m sure is the case with most single parent homes, my son had a stack of presents at our place, and another stack waiting at his mom’s house, where he went at the end of the day on Christmas Day so he could open some presents with is stepbrother.

The value to all this, of course, is that both our boys were able to have a happy and fulfilling Christmas despite having non-traditional homes. Our Christmas morning brunch included both my ex and my girlfriend’s ex, with the added treat for her boy that his grandparents were in from out of town and shared the day with us.

And despite all our efforts and all the feelers we put out there, my son continues to tease us and keep us guessing about his understanding — or lack of — the Santa myth. He proclaimed, tongue in cheek, that Christmas is “60 percent excellent presents from Santa, 39 percent lousy gifts from your parents, and 1 percent egg nog.”

So I think he might be playing us, the little wise guy. Who cares in the end.

Anyway, I hope all had a great time over the holidays, regardless of what it is you celebrate. And I hope most of all that the children enjoyed their inclusion in it. I would love to hear some recaps.

More than half of consumers will be giving at least one gift card this holiday. They are particularly popular options among aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc., who might not know the personal preferences of the recipient. I’m planning a story on the pitfalls and pluses of gift cards. Consumer Reports, the Yonkers-based consumer watchdog, has a lot to say on the topic to educate shoppers about the cards’ pros and cons, and I’m talking with them for the story. I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with the cards. If you’ve received gift cards, have you used them or did you leave them in your wallet? Has a store ever given you a hard time about redeeming one? What are your nieces, nephews and grandchildren telling you about their feelings on gift cards? Give me a call at 914-666-6189 or e-mail me at jalterio@lohud.com if you’d like to be part of the story.

It’s not like we don’t already have enough book choices as parents. But this one caught my eye when I read about it on the newswire this morning. It’s a new series of books for kids 3-8 years old put out by Christian Hainsworth, president of “Winning Kids Inc.”:http://www.winningkidsinc.com/index.htm in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. Hainsworth is a single dad, and sought to put together a series of books that help build positive skills in children — a heck of a helping hand for a single parent.

The 14-book series is titled “The Winning Kids with Traveling Bear”:http://www.winningkidsinc.com/TRAVELING%20BEAR.htm series. Now, keep in mind that I haven’t read these, so I’m just putting it out there for your review. I’m not one to peddle merchandise, and think parents have to trust their instincts on reading material and other things parental.

But it struck me as a positive sign that the series seems to acknowledge that many children are not in traditional, two-parent homes, while promoting skills that are positive for children in any familial setting.

Here’s the wire story on the series:

Traveling Bear and Friends to Journey Onto Your Book Shelves and Into Your Children’s Heart

New Children’s Book Series Building Strong Reading Skills and Positive Values

PALM BEACH GARDENS, Fla., Oct. 9 PRNewswire — As a single parent, Christian Hainsworth came up empty as he searched for children’s books to read to his son that talked about leadership and self-confidence. That quest turned him into the creative force behind Winning Kids with Traveling Bear™, a 14-book series for children 3-8 years old that instills positive values and winning attitudes.

“I realized there was a lack of material for children in this area,” Hainsworth said. “I also wanted to enhance his reading abilities while providing enjoyment, which is very important.”

Winning Kids with Traveling Bear™ is a new and innovative children’s book series on the horizon. The series will be launched as a monthly book club consisting of 14 individual books with corresponding read-along audio CDs. It also comes with read-along audio/visual DVDs that can be played at home, in the car and anywhere in between. Each monthly book and CD will come with a letter from Traveling Bear in an exciting full color Traveling Bear Express envelope, and each book ends with a fun sing-along! “The audio CD is designed to build strong reading skills in a fun and easy way,” stated Christian J. Hainsworth, who conceived the series. (Each book is $19.90 including shipping and handling.)

The characters have been brought to life in huggable plush toys that can be ordered, as well as other exciting merchandise such as T-Bear back packs, baseball caps, coloring books and t-shirts.

For more information on this book series, please visit www.winningkidsinc.com. Coming soon, please visit the company’s storefront at www.travelingbear.com.

My son put me in my place this weekend.

Here’s the scenario: We’re home Friday night and looking up something on the computer. The phone rings and I let the answering machine pick up. It’s my mom, and she starts to leave a message. I tell my son, it’s your grandma. We’ll call her back later. Then comes the comment from my son: “Can I do that to you when you’re old, dad?”

I guess sometimes I get caught up in being a dad and forget that I’m a son also. Needless to say, I picked up the phone and talked to my mom, as did my son. I owe him a debt of gratitude for setting me straight.

He’s a good kid. I hope he’ll always take my call.

Leave it to the U.S. Census Bureau to stay on top of National Singles Week. Actually, the bureau does this every year, releasing a “fact sheet” on singles and single parents to coincide with singles week. This year, it’s this week.

Among the findings in this year’s version: There were 12.9 million single parents living with their children as of last year — 10.4 million of them women. In all, 9 percent of the nation’s households were headed by a single parent in 2006, up from 5 percent in 1970. You can “read the rest here”:http://www.census.gov/Press-Release/www/releases/archives/facts_for_features_special_editions/010329.html.

On a related issue, the Census Bureau also announced new data on marriage trends today. Here is the news release on it with some of the highlights:

Most People Make Only One Trip Down the Aisle,
But First Marriages Shorter, Census Bureau Reports

In 2004, most people in the United States had married only once, according to new data from the U.S. Census Bureau. Marriage and Divorce: 2004 said 58 percent of women and 54 percent of men 15 and older had made 0nly one trip down the aisle.

The Census Bureau also reported first marriages for women during the peak of the baby boom lasted longer than recent marriages. Of the first marriages for women from 1955 to 1959, about 79 percent marked their 15th anniversary, compared with only 57 percent for women who married for the first time from 1985 to 1989.

People born in the leading edge of the baby boom experienced high divorce rates in the 1970s and 1980s. About 38 percent of men born from 1945 to 1954 and 41 percent of women in the same age group had been divorced by 2004.

Other highlights:

• On average, first marriages that end in divorce last about eight years.

• The median time between divorce and a second marriage was about three and a half years.

• In 2004, 12 percent of men and 13 percent of women had married twice, and 3 percent each had married three or more times.

• Among adults 25 and older who had ever divorced, 52 percent of men and 44 percent of women were currently married.

• Just over half of currently married women in 2004 had been married for at least 15 years, and 6 percent had been married at least 50 years.

After all the recalls from China this year for unsafe levels of lead, some parents are questioning whether they should trust any toys from China. Some are taking steps to avoid them altogether. Mom Dana Deasy of Eastchester told she was motivated to find a solution for her family after she found a recalled Go, Diego, Go toy in her children’s toy collection. “You feel that your playroom is a ticking time bomb,” she told me. Her son, Jason, recently celebrated his first birthday without any toys — friends and relations were asked to bring clothes instead. I wrote about Dana and other parents and grandparents from the Lower Hudson Valley in this story, which appeared in Sunday’s paper. (This picture of Dana with Jason and her other son, Ryan, was taken by my colleague Mark Vergari.) You can see a video with Dana talking about her choice by clicking here. If you’re interested in more on this topic, a good page to bookmark is Consumer Reports safety blog.

I talked to local parents yesterday for our story on the massive toy recall by Mattel. Not everyone with whom I spoke got to be in the story, so I thought I’d share a little more of what I learned with readers of this blog. I was particularly struck by my conversation with Catherine Mahoney of Verplanck, who was shopping at Target in Mount Kisco with her mother, Cathy Elliott of Croton-on-Hudson, and 11-month-old daughter, Lola. (I just love that name!)

Catherine told me she was upset by the frequency of the recalls from Mattel. She pointed out that the company’s Fisher-Price brand just recalled almost 1 million toys earlier this month. “I think I will probably stay away from their toys for quite some time. Christmas is coming, so I’ll probably just stick with something else,� she said.

The grandmother said she thinks it might be time for parents to return to the basics. “I think you just have to have lots of wooden blocks and sticks and make your own toys,� Cathy said.

Catherine said she’s ready for wood toys considering new worries in the news about the safety of ingredients in plastic, like Bisphenol A, an organic compound thought to cause cancer and hormonal changes.

Keeping up with all the recalls becomes a challenge in large families, too,
who trade toys among cousins, Catherine pointed out. Lola has four cousins between the ages of 4 and 6 who share toys. “My sister-in-law is all freaked out because they have so much stuff around, you don’t know what’s what, where you get it from and when you got it. Her son’s birthday just passed and so she has all these toys and she doesn’t know where they came from. You go into their playroom and it’s like a toy store, so to go through all of those toys and to check them is a lot of work,� she told me.

What are your worries when you hear about these ongoing toy recalls?